Quitting Coffee: The 5 Stages Of Grief

Quitting Coffee: The 5 Stages Of Grief
Giving up coffee is a terrible choice that no one should make unless one has a very good reason, like panic attacks or because Gwyneth Paltrow did it in a cookbook. I quit the bean beast and swiftly went through the five stages of grief, albeit with a caffeinated twist. Here’s what you can expect if you, too, get off the java horse.

“I can do this,” you say to yourself when you make The Decision. “I can definitely do this. I’m going to sleep better, skip that crazy afternoon caffeine jones, and improve my teeth and breath. I’ll get off the national drug, which is only legal because EVERYONE IS ADDICTED, and also I’ll be calmer and more peaceful in general.” Hahahahahahahhahaha you are a fool.

Your head hurts. It’s a dull ache at first, and then it hits you: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. You try to resist the urge to take Advil, because what’s the point in replacing one drug with another? But then you must take the Advil because holy shit do you need the Advil. There’s some nausea in there, but it’s not as strong as the headache. Oh God, you can’t focus on anything.

You will kill everyone and everything around you, maybe, if you can only get the motivation and energy to do so (energy? HA! Nooooooo way.) You snap at your loved ones and your unloved ones. Driving becomes a game in which you envision different and creative ways to murder other drivers, passengers, pedestrians, wildlife, celebrities, artists, doctors, lawyers, firefighters, really anyone you’ve ever met.

What is the point of life, really, anyway? Everything is wrong and dumb. Maybe you cry. Maybe you write a poem about the endless stupidity of the human condition. It is all worthless.

Well, actually, tea is alright. The headaches and rage and depression go away after a few days or a few weeks if you’re a serious bean head. And tea makes you pee all the time, which can maybe lead to weight loss and certainly leads to your insides being cleaner or whatever, so long as you aren’t guzzling sugar.

Hey, that gives you an idea. Maybe it’s time to cut out sugar, too!


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  • goonemeritus

    Have you ever stopped to consider that Gwyneth Paltrow isfull of shit?

  • Señor Skwerl

    Nobody quits coffee. You’ll be back.

  • Dolmance

    Quitting coffee doesn’t have to be a horror show. Just take Xanax and Vicodin together five times a day. It works for cigarettes too.

  • mfp

    yeah, uhhhh….dont bother with the continuation story….

  • edith prickly

    Why do people do this to themselves? I will be caffeinated till I die and love every moment.

  • ImpureScience

    Those 5 stages are your body telling you that you are making a terrible mistake.

  • Monty

    Quitting shows you are weak.

  • Rick Hill

    You don’t quit drinking coffee. You start drinking better coffee. Roast your own bean and get a nice arabica, that’s the way to go.

  • DeSwiss

    From one extreme to another? Moderation in all things…. :-|

  • mtn_philosoph

    I started out on Burgundy but soon hit the harder stuff.Who needs coffee when you’ve got Pepsi Max? Or Adderall? Tea makes me gag. Seriously.