Quantico: Who's Driving? (S1 E

quantico-logo2This week on Quantico, Alex and Simon must complete one final task for the Voice of Doom, which brings them face to face with an old classmate or two. In the past, Caleb helps Shelby reconnect with her parents, and the twins are forced to prove themselves to Liam.

We open in the present. Simon meets Ryan in a bar.

A couple of very good white guys sitting around talking.

A couple of very good looking white guys sitting around talking.

Is Simon finally making good on the gay thing? About time! Has Ryan had it with women? No such luck for the ‘shippers. Simon is there to double-cross  Alex and get Ryan to stop her for her own good – what with all that conspiracy stuff she always turns out to be right about which he no longer believes in despite her always being right.

But don’t worry folks, of course Simon is still the most loyal soldier in Alex’s army even though he wanted to kill Alex a couple of episodes ago. He was crazy then, and he’s totally better now! It’s all a trap to put a bug on Ryan so when he goes to tell Liam all about the meeting, Alex and Simon can listen in and learn all his secrets, especially about the CIA asset who is under lock and key somewhere whom they have to deliver to the Voice of Doom. We’ll get back to that. Now let’s go forward into the past:

It’s time for the NATs to pick a field office, but there’s a challenge first. (Who could’ve known?) They’re told they’ll be going to the border to work with TSA on preventing traffickers from doing their nefarious trafficking.

As usual, there is lots of personal drama going on. Alex has to deal with Ryan’s return as her new teacher. Football has a thing for Alex but is determined not to sleep with her and apparently has done no sexing whatsoever the entire time he’s been at Quantico because it’s like “before a big game” and his coach told him not to have sex before a big game. It was one of the things the coach used to shout out at the players from the lazy-boy he sat on so he could watch them in the showers and make sure there was no fighting.

This week's locker room scene featuring the star.

This week’s locker room scene featuring the star.

Liam, tells the twin that the whole “twins match” thing was Miranda’s idea, and Miranda is in big trouble so probably that’s out. Are they getting dropped? Maybe not. Liam says they should both go out to the challenge, even though under Miranda’s orders they can’t both ever appear in public at the same time. Nimah says, “Nuh- uh.” Until they hear it from someone higher up than the broken down alcoholic who sleeps with students, they’re not going to listen and one of them will be staying put.

Can you blame them for not taking Liam seriously?

Can you blame them for not taking Liam seriously?

Shelby is still dealing with the emotional fallout of finding out her dead parents aren’t dead. She still doesn’t know why or how they faked their own 911 deaths and can’t come back to the US, but Caleb is willing to talk to Samar who can talk to them so she can maybe meet them across the border where it will be totally safe for them to go because it’s across the border, right? It’s not like the US could possibly find them or extradite them!

Shelby at first is reluctant, but then Alex and Caleb talk her into it because it’s not like meeting with these possible fugitives could in any way jeopardize her future with the FBI.

When the NATs arrive in the airport in the foreign land, Liam takes away their passports because there’s a twist! Oh boy, didn’t see that coming, did you? If they want the assignment of their choice they have to show their resourcefulness by acing the real test which is not working with TSA, but totally screwing with them by deceptively crossing the border into the US. Aside from being illegal, won’t that be dangerous given how all the Mexicans are criminals and rapists per the Donald, and how trigger happy the border patrol is according to the lame-stream liberal media?

No problemo! Or rather “ Pas de problème” because the border they’ll be crossing isn’t the really scary one down south, but the nice one up north, only on Quantico they make it sound like all the human trafficking and other nonsense comes from Canada.

Never having traveled out of the country, the NATs were shocked by the strange language and customs they encountered.

Never having traveled out of the country, the NATs were shocked by the strange language and customs they encountered.

Have any of the writers actually been to Canada? And while sure after 2001 they tightened the border between the Great White North and the Northeast Kingdom (which is for real what they call a county in Vermont even through not even Jon Snow would want to be king ), it’s not exactly the Berlin Wall, and the reference to “drones” along the frontier has to be getting laughs up in in Bernie Sanders country, especially in say places like the town of Derby Line which is LITERALLY in two countries.

Alex paired up with Football, handcuffs him, which leads to all sorts of double entendre dialogue that will hurt your ears unless you are precisely twelve years old, but really she’s not doing it to sex him up. Her brilliant plan is to make believe she’s an FBI agent bringing in this nefarious criminal and she lost all the paperwork chasing him. Strangely, despite Alex’s being magic, this does not work, and they wind up trudging through the snow.

Ironically, after this show, the actor won't even be able to get arrested.

Ironically, after this show, the actor won’t even be able to get arrested.

Shelby and Caleb totally give up on the exercise so they can meet her parents who despite being on the run, made it to Canada in about the same time it took the NATs to fly there from DC. Won’t blowing off the challenge mean they’ll be assigned to Nowheresville? Apparently not because Caleb has use of his dad’s private jet to fly home on (because all assistant director’s of the FBI have private jets) and that means they won’t have to deal with customs or airport security because nobody checks if you’re rich enough to have a private jet. (Psst! Don’t tell the terrorists about this giant loophole, okay?)

They knock on the door to the hotel room that the parents are already checked into, and it’s time for huggsies. Why did they go missing? Seems they “accidentally” sold weapons software to the Taliban. Oopsies! So after 911, they realized they’d be in big trouble so they changed the flight manifest for one of the planes that crashed because they did the software for flight manifests too.

So wait a sec, they are totally uhm war criminals who committed extra crimes to cover up their treasonous felonies?

How is it the assets of the company weren’t seized? Did the gobmint just not look into any of this because “killed on 911”? If stuff like that bothers you, you should probably be watching The Good Wife — which is a PBS documentary compared to this show. The point is Shelby, who for years thought her parents died during 911 and didn’t cause it by war profiteering has no problem with the new normal because Mommy and Daddy! Also she’s not even mad about the whole fake sister money scam either.

Caleb on the other hand is a bit more skeptical. He eventually figures out they are just trying to shake her down for more moolah because they are the worst. He tells them he’ll give them more money – the 5 million he was going to use to get into Systematics, if they promise to never darken Shelby’s doorstep again, which they agree to because the alternative is he’ll hand them over to the feds – which he should totally do anyway.

Meanwhile, at the airport Start Up and Aspy Genius strip down to buck naked at security in order to get deported. Not sure how that worked for them, but the winners are Raina and Nimah. The twin who stayed in DC (which one isn’t important) traded places with the other one, and taught Liam a lesson about girl power!

Back in Quantico, Caleb tells Aspy Genius that now he’s lost the five million which he was going to use to infiltrate Systematics, so who knows how he’s going to pay them off now, but Aspy Genius says he’ll use his own money because who doesn’t have a few million lying around? Also Caleb tells him that Systematics has something called the Path, which does not mean that this is a crossover with the new Hulu show which is about a completely different cult that has nothing to do with Scientology for legal reasons.

Alex breaks up with Ryan again, which seems redundant, but Ryan looks really cute when his heart has been shattered to bits, and then Alex and Football do it, and by it I mean the sexytimes.

And now let’s return to the present:

After listening in on Ryan’s conversation with Liam, Simon and Alex get all the information they need to go to the top secret CIA facility. Alex pretends to be Nimah and Simon pretends to be Ryan and they say Liam sent them to talk to the top secret asset, and the CIA is like, “That’s cool.” It’s good thing those CIA guys don’t watch television or have the internet because if they did they would have known that Alex wasn’t Nimah because only last month (in show time) Alex was the most wanted woman in the world, and her face was plastered over everything.

For those of you playing along at home, you won’t be collecting much if you knew that said asset would turn out to be someone we know. Not exactly a long shot. Who is it? It’s the Aspy Genius, who memorized the NSA nuclear codes, which aren’t an actual thing I don’t think and if they were, wouldn’t the NSA just change them if they knew some super genius memorized them? Why did he do this? Was he planning on selling out the US of A and starting Armageddon? Nope, of course not! It has something to do with saving the world but neither Alex nor Simon asks him to elaborate. He’s been stored away for seven months so he has no idea that Grand Central or that other building got blowed up or that Alex is famous.

They quickly explain the plan to him and he’s like, sure, give me over to the Voice of Doom, I’m not doing anything better. Alex is rethinking this a little bit on account of maybe it wouldn’t be the smartest idea in the world for the Voice of Doom to have those NSA codes, but Aspy Genius talks her into it, claiming he is the only one who can go in and find out what the terrorists really want and save the world – because there’s nothing crazy about thinking you are the special one with the special mission to save the world.

So Alex and Simon create a diversion and scurry away with Aspy in a white van. Aspy thinks they are so dumb for using a white van, but Alex explains that Simon created a power outage so the roads are lousy with white vans. Then they arrive somewhere where they are supposed to hand over Aspy, only the Voice of Doom now tells Alex that Simon has to go too. Alex says no, but now Simon is perfectly calm and totally cool with going off with the terrorists because his life kind of sucks either way. For no logical reason Alex is not immediately killed having served her purpose. Nor is she  just instructed to leave Simon and Aspy there. Instead, she’s told to go to the car and check in with the driver because of course the Voice of Doom wants her to see whose driving.

Who’s driving? Shelby is driving!

What do we do with this AMAZING revelation? Will it all be explained away the way it usually is when someone says something like: ”I designed the bomb!” Is Shelby being forced to do the bidding of the Voice of Doom the way Vasquez and Elias were? Will it all make sense when we get some further tidbit of information next week? Or do the words “sense” and Quantico not even belong in the same paragraph?

Guess you’ll have to tune in to Quantico next week, or if you’d rather catch up with the final season of The Good Wife (I know I would) just check out the recap here on these virtual pages.

Marion Stein

Marion writes television recaps and reviews for the Agony Booth, and books you can find over at Amazon.

TV Show: Quantico

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