Please Call The Wahmbulance For Sad White Dude Comedian Who Thinks All The Ladies Are Stealing His Gigs
Unhappy white comedian dude Joe Welkie, a person you have never heard of and will never hear from again, has penned a manifesto over at some Generation Y targeted site about how unfair it is that standup comedy wants to be diverse because that means he will never get jobs because of affirmative action comedy or something.
A few months ago I submitted a packet to the NBC Late Night Writer’s Workshop. This is a program designed to educate comedy writers on how to hone their skills so that maybe one day, they could write for “Saturday Night Live,” “The Tonight Show” or “Late Night.” […]
Upon looking over the submission requirements, I noticed something peculiar. Under the requirements, it stated that everyone is urged to submit, “Especially those with diverse ethnic backgrounds.”
As soon as I saw that, I knew I wouldn’t be picked. I’m as non-“diverse” as they come. If diverse is what they were looking for and what they were aiming to get, I didn’t stand a chance.
Oh my god you guys he figured out our anti-white code! Telling people with diverse backgrounds to apply is our way of saying “suck it white dude you will never get hired hahaha” because everyone knows that white men are an endangered and shrinking species, comedy-wise.
He’s also figured out that we don’t really care about funny because we are just trying to get any old vagina or black person onstage. Dammit all our secrets are out!
I do numerous shows across the city and at every show, the booker says that they have to have a girl in the show because, “We can’t have a sausage fest up there.”
So they’ll just throw any girl comic up there regardless of how funny she is or how experienced she is at comedy. It doesn’t matter what her credits are as long as she has a vagina.
That same booker will go on a hunt throughout his or her mental Rolodexes to find a “diverse” or sometimes “urban” comic to put on the show because, “We can’t just have a bunch of white guys.”
Um, dude? Did it ever occur to you that bookers want lady types and nonwhite people because on occasion lady types and nonwhite people ATTEND THE COMEDY SHOWS and maybe would dig on seeing someone other than a bunch of you up there? Trust us when we say that the average comedy booker is not beholden to some affirmative action reverse racism code where he or she has to check off how many budding Chris Rocks he throws up each week. If lady comics and comics who are not Joe Welkie are getting gigs, it is BECAUSE PEOPLE WANT TO SEE THEM.
We’ve been lucky enough to find a video of Mr. Welkie doing his hot hot standup act which is one thousand million times funnier than any lady out there because he got where he is on talent, man.
How far did you make it into that video? It took us 4 tries to get through the whole thing. On our first pass, we made it 11 seconds, so don’t feel bad if you abandon ship early. In case you can’t stomach the whole thing, here’s a quick recap of the hilarity:
- Only ladies get to be told they are beautiful and therefore it is hard out there for dudes who are not hot.
- If you are a dude who is not hot, your only option is to be a smart nerd and then you will pull chicks.
- Nerds talk in high prancing voices.
- One day his girlfriend made him sad by telling him he was not hot.
- If he told a lady she was not hot, there would be an uprising.
When you combine that level of meh with the fact that the dude steps on each and every one of his weak-ass punchlines by snort-laughing over them, you can see why SNL hasn’t come a-calling. Time to consider a new career, Joe Welkie.