Please Buy Us This Artificial Hymen So We Can Be Pure Again

Please Buy Us This Artificial Hymen So We Can Be Pure Again

Back in October, we were buying our full-length gown and our corsages and our tiaras and our matching dyed satin pumps so that we could be all ready for this year’s 14th Annual Daddy-Daughter Purity Ball. Excitement! And way more fun than real prom with its groping and drinking and general carousing. But then we realized that we lacked a key ingredient for our special day: an intact hymen. How could we show god, our dad, and the world that we were truly pure if we were lacking a completely arbitrary flap of skin? What would our future husband think if he learned that we’d lost our hymen by doing the junior varsity football team riding horseback?

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Thank God that we can disguise our critical levels of sluttiness with this artificial hymen that you are going to buy us for Christmas. We’ve already read up on how it will do the trick for us:

Insert the Artificial Hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrates, it will ooze out a liquid that appears like blood, not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans and you will pass through undetectable! It’s easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.

Please, please, we beg you, do not buy us one of those inferior hymen kits that uses lesser ingredients, because we all know what can happen then.

They often use an inferior red powder dye on the artificial hymen which stains the fingers and does not look real. These inferior products might cause a very negative situation when the male discovers he has been fooled to believe that his wife was faking her virginity.

The hymenshop.com uses medical grade Red Dye Liquid on the translucent membrane which gives a very similar effect as real human blood.

Thank the lord Jesus for medical grade red dye, whatever the hell that might be. We’re going to need every last ounce of that fake membrane and food coloring stuff to convince our father husband that we’ve kept our hymen safe for him. This Christmas, please think of our hymen — as if you could think of anything else.

[You’re probably wishing you’d bought us something else from our Christmas list already, aren’t you?]

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