Pink Lady... and Jeff “The Lost Episode” (part 2 of 2)
In the final installment of the wedding sketch, Mie and Kei have settled in with their new husbands, but decided to invite “Papa-san” to dinner. Jim and Jeff, deciding they have a death wish, figure this would be the perfect opportunity to play a prank. Sid comes in, pulls his sword when the boys get too close, but Mie and Kei distract him and get him to bring out his new girlfriend. So, wait, over the course of one day, Sid went from being happily married to a fat man, to running off with Jeff’s mother, and now he has a new girlfriend. Named Lollipop. Played by that one cast member I pointed out that one time. You know the one.
Jim and Jeff marvel at how subservient Sid’s made her, to Mie and Kei’s embarrassment. Jeff and Jim, pulling their hilarious prank, put on aprons and act submissive towards the girls, getting mostly polite bemusement from Sid. Kei informs him that they’ve made “southern-fried sushi”, which Sid guesses is “chopstick-lickin’ good”. What? I didn’t write it.
Still, I’m glad they didn’t say mesquite-grilled sushi, or my childhood would’ve exploded.
Sid completely loses his shit when they try to seat his girlfriend next to him (his character is becoming less likable by the second, and this wasn’t Sid’s highest point to begin with), and even gets violent with Mie when she tries to feed the poor girl.
What part of this was supposed to be funny, again?
(Although, if Sid were going off book just to fuck with them, this would be kinda funny. Only kinda, mind you.)
Sid finally relents and lets the poor girl sit at the table so she can feed him, but she’s such a nervous wreck she keeps spilling food on him, until she’s finally forced to feed him by hand. I wonder if Bill Cosby ever had this problem?
Kei looks on in horror while Jim and Jeff decide Sid might not be so crazy after all, but Kei quickly puts the kibosh on that. Sid proposes to Lollipop, suddenly turning her into a harpy who orders the others around while Sid sharpens his sword in regret. He tricks her into stepping outside, only to strangle her with his bare hands [!]. He gets Jeff to call a doctor, because Lollipop broke some of his ribs before dying.
A light comedy, ladies and gentlemen!
We’re lucky the show didn’t get a second season, or else we might have had to see Charlotte Rae pistol-whip an infant, or Red Skelton sodomize a leprechaun with a chainsaw.
Back from commercial, the girls bring Byron back out, where we learn he just graduated high school. That’s not a joke, he was 18 when this was filmed. How the hell does a teenager get to host a national television show? I mean, I know Eddie Murphy’s about the same age, and joined SNL at around the same time, but still. Byron’s… not exceptionally funny. He does some school gags, makes funny faces, works the race angle a little bit, sort of like he was the Nick Cannon of his time. I haven’t laughed at him yet, but at least he’s unfunny with his own material, instead of trying to score cheap laughs with crusty old antiques like Jeff.
Cut to grainy stock footage of Rodeo Drive as Jeff plays another detective, this time with the Beverly Hills P.D., who arrests Mie and Kei for being poor. Red Buttons cameos as the flamboyantly gay police chief while Jim, as a fashion photographer, handles the mug shots.
More shallow rich people jokes and a dig at Sammy Davis, Jr. follow, until the cops just forget about the girls and head to brunch. Red mangles “sayonara” again and we end just in time for Pink Lady to introduce Roy Orbison.
Of course, just because this show hates me, he does “Oh, Pretty Woman”, which of all the songs in the world that I absolutely can’t stand, comes in a very close second. He performs as well as he can, given his frail health (he died a few years later), while the Blondes model various outfits behind him.
I can just imagine how that writing session went:
Show Runner and Comic Book Writer Mark Evanier: Brilliant! Sabu! More opium!
He wraps things up and we’re heading back to the old west, with Jeff as a cowboy and the girls in gis. He gives them crap about their outfits until they karate chop the hell out of a hitching post. You know, when they stopped doing the Radio and Magazine Dances, I thought there was an unwritten agreement that there wouldn’t be any more blackout gags. You’re not Laugh In, show.
Bobby comes back out to banter with the girls, revealing that they speak Polish, but Jeff, feeling left out, declares that he can sing, too. Jeff does an a cappella version of “Mr. Lonely”, only to literally drive the audience out of the theatre. Uh-huh. Sid makes a joke and leaves to cash his check.
The girls come back out and make short work of Queen’s “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”. The girls actually do pretty well. You could almost forget that they don’t speak English. They dance over to their backup singers and holy shit! More black people! And here I thought television in the ‘80s was lily white. Except for the Japanese singers, but they don’t do all that much on this show, all things considered.
Bobby joins them for “Him”, a song I find interesting only because the entire first verse is about cigarettes. No, really.
For whatever reason, they lead into “Johnny B. Goode”, which the girls clearly don’t understand but compensate for by dancing like Snoopy.
Back from commercial, and it’s Hot Tub Time. The girls have gone behind Jeff’s back and put the hot tub up for sale. The realtor and customers hop in, mocking Jeff behind his back (to his face, even).
Jim tries to take over the final monologue, but Jeff’s had enough, kicks everyone out, and hops right on in. Bobby decides to join him, and the sumo wrestler brings them two Pink Lady cocktails.
And that’s that. There’s no more Pink Lady and Jeff. Mie went on to sing for Animetal, Kei… went on to own a butt-ugly cat named Milk, and so forth.
First of all, what’s the deal with having Red Buttons appear in one sketch and not have anybody acknowledge it? My guess is that they filmed it for last week and had it left over. But either way, it’s weird.
So, we got one sketch from Red, one sketch and a joke from Sid, one sketch and a monologue from Byron, one song from Roy… This was basically a Bobby Vinton special! Even the song Jeff sings was one of his.
No wonder they never aired this stupid thing. I mean, sure, it would have been nice if it could’ve stayed on until Sid Caesar got a decent film role out of it, you know, do some good for the world. But then we would have actually gotten that second season, and I really don’t need to think about Todd Bridges singing the Florida state anthem while dressed as the Easter Bunny.
Oh well. I’m done. Finished.
Still, I wonder whatever became of that movie they made? Hmm…