Hey Ladies, Phyllis Schlafly’s Niece Says Get Yourself A Hubby Because ‘You Can’t Take Your Paycheck To Bed With You’
So, Superwoymns, you know how are are trying to Lean In and Have It All and Support Yourselves And Your Families because those unshaved bra-burning feminazis have poisoned your beautiful minds with their alluring lies of equality and grrrrrl power and being able to pay the bills? Well, Suzanne Venker, who is A Expert on how women are awful (she is Phyllis Schlafly’s niece, so she comes by it naturally), has some sage advice for you: Cut that crap out right now and get yourself a big strong lots-of-zeros paycheck-earning husband:
That women prefer part-time work is simply irrefutable. […] They want balance.
So why not let husbands bring home the bulk of the bacon so women can have the balanced lives they seek? There’s no way to be a wife, a mother and a full-time employee and still create balance. But you can have balance by depending on a husband who works full-time and year-round.
Yes! If you would like to have a career and a family, why not just stop having a career and then you can have everything you want except for the career, which you should not want because that is a stupid thing to want in the first place! Just find yourself a man and let him do all the careering and make yourself dependent on his “more linear career goals.” After all, uncited anonymous research proves that men, unlike women, enjoy making money and having a career.
Unlike women, a man’s identity is inextricably linked to his paycheck. That’s how most men feel a sense of purpose.
Now, we admit, our ladybrains are a tad confused by this advice, since a certain expert ‘splained to us not so long ago that there is not even any good husband material out there anymore, because women (see above re: awful) have turned men into unmarriageable “slackers.” Who was that expert again? Oh yes, it was Suzanne Venker.
So now that we have ruined men with our being women, how are we supposed to even find a good one to bring home the bacon for us? It is an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in bacon-wrapped deep-fried bullshit on a stick. But Venker, bless her shriveled heart, also told us how we can undo the damage we have wrought with our awfulness: put down our swords and stop being bitches because “men don’t love bitches.”
That Suzanne, she is just full of can’t-fail wisdom, isn’t she? And as for those women who follow her advice, give up their paychecks, depend on men … and then find themselves abandoned by said men for reasons like, oh, say, divorce or death or unemployment? Well, Suzanne didn’t exactly address that, but we reckon if such a thing happens to you, it is probably your fault for being a bitch. Or a woman. Or something something feminism.
So stop trying to be financially independent, ladies. You are ruining yourselves and, more importantly, men. And, as Suzanne says, “Financial independence is a great thing, but you can’t take your paycheck to bed with you.” Of course, that’s why God invented the vibrator.