Mar 30, 2017
Morning Sideboob! Taylor Lautner Gets Gayed, Anne Hathaway Gets Divine Up In It, And Something About Kim Kardashian
Welcome to your inaugural morning sideboob roundup! All the sideboob you can handle, none of the sideboob you hate.
Photoshop Used For Evil, Also For Making ‘Twilight’ Star Laylor Lautner Gay
[Editrix: It has come to our attention — i.e. we accidentally clicked through — that this first item is from 2011. It happens to the best of us, and Ed has been summarily executed.]
Oh the doubled-edged sword that is Photoshop! It is a dream maker, and a dream taker.
This week a purported People magazine cover from January 2013 featuring Twilight star Taylor Lautner appeared on the internets showing the handsome actor on the cover with the caption “Out and Proud,” in semi-bold san serif type with just a hint of shadow hmmm. The cover is dated 2012 with kind of crappy typography. That couldn’t be a fake, could it?
Lautner, who plays Native American Jacob Black in the inexplicably ubiquitous teen vampire films, had been dogged by rumors that he might be gay. The actor, who incidentally has had several high profile relationships with women, has consistently denied the rumors of gayness. So then theoretically he must be gay right?
The breathless, yet completely fakeity-fake, cover description:
“Tired of rumors, the Twilight star opens up about his decision to finally come out,” promises the “People” “cover,” which quotes Lautner as saying, “I’m more liberated, and happier than I’ve ever been.”
Oh God! Dreams come true! The Internet collectively expressed support for Lautner. Record executive Russell Simmons tweeted that he was “proud of Taylor Lautner for his bravery and his courage.”
But then like all dreams, its was discovered to be just another hoax, like cold fusion, and no calorie beer, as People magazine said naw mang that is not our cover no way.
Once he’d been informed of the mistake, Russell Simmons still needed attention and tweeted that he was “disappointed that people would joke about someone coming out about their sexuality. Let Taylor Lautner be whoever he wants to be…”
But Russell Simmons! With Photoshop you can make anybody be who you want him or her to be. Just ask pretty much every magazine cover ever.
Anne Hathaway, In Hero Move To Photo-Stalked Stars Everywhere, Literally Takes A (Dog)Shit On A Paparazzi’s Car
Academy Award winning actress, singer, and former securities fraud star witness Anne Hathaway was spreading some post-Christmas cheer the other day in her neighborhood, and by cheer we mean bags of dog poop on paparazzi’s windshields. While walking her dog in LA last week Hathaway allegedly scooped up canine pal Esmerelda’s poop du jour, and like a good neighbor, left the bag on the paparazzi’s windshield.
A snarky gossip site — which we are not on account of how we are happy and nice — speculated snottily that the formerly pap-friendly star of Les Miserables might not have wanted extra attention that particular day.
“Evidently, when she’s not campaigning (for the Academy Award), she doesn’t want to be photographed.”
In our fantasy world, the paparazzi whose windshield received the bag of doggy droppings responded through his publicist that he recycled the star tossed feces and “looks forward to a kick ass crop of bean sprouts” in the near future.
Kanye West Makes Khristmas Bright And Weird With Ugly
Sweater Bag Gift To Kim
Impresario polymath Mr. Kanye West: This guy knows art. Mr. Kanye West is willing also to buy purses for his ladylove. So why not do a bit of both? He is after all a self-proclaimed genius. Nothing we have seen Kanye West attempt yet tells us otherwise.
“It was a very merry Khristmas for Kim Kardashian. The fashionista received a custom painted Hermes Birkin bag from her boo Kanye West for the holidays.”
How very “kreative” to spell “Christmas” with a “K”, like Kardashian. Now this Hermes bag has some pretty pictures hand painted on it.
“Hand-painted by artist George Condo, who also did the artwork for ‘Ye’s ‘My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy’ album, Kim’s Birkin bag features several nude images, some with monster-like features.”
Condo is also famous for a Cubist interpretation of Christ on the cross, and a portrait of Queen Elizabeth II with a carrot stuck through her head. Daring avant-guarde accessory you got there Kim K.
Kardashian fans on Instagram did not seem wowed by the much artness on display here.
“It’s horrible,” and ‘I thought they [the images] were all her. Lmao!!!’”
Yes this Hermes bag is ugly, and expensive, and a hundred years from now it will be a goddamned masterpiece. IT HAS BOOBS AND MONSTERS! Get off the grid and go to a museum sometime. That’s where some of the most ugly shit in the world resides, and it is all just FABULOUS.