Phil Robertson Is Back, Baby, And He’s Still A Bigot

We haven’t been thinking about Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson lately, probably because we’ve been so into these bigot twins that are whining about their HGTV show getting cancelled. Also, they’re much more photogenic homophobes than this ZZ Top-looking guy. But don’t count Phil out yet. He can still damn gays to hell with the best of them.

Let’s check out his Easter sermon, shall we? It was, of course, a beautiful testament to the flawed nature of humanity and Christ’s love and haha no it was not.

During a sermon at a West Monroe, Louisiana church this past Easter, Robertson discussed the GQ controversy, saying “You want the verse? The news media didn’t even know it was a verse! They thought I was just mouthing off. Is homosexual behavior a sin? The guy asked me. I said, do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Don’t be deceived.” […]

Robertson then doubled down, saying, “Neither the sexually immoral, nor the idolators nor adulterers nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

Robertson seems to think the main problem here is that people misunderstood his remarks. You came through loud and clear, buddy. We comprehended what you were saying. We were picking up what you were putting down. But you will be surprised to learn, oh bearded asshole, that people are perfectly able to understand something and think you’re a dick. We’re even able to read the same Bible as you and come to different conclusions — ones that usually aren’t homophobic or straight up racist.

Remember how he issued that bullshit notpology  about how we are all flawed and he loves everybody so that A&E would let him return to his stupid show? And A&E was dumb enough to let him? And then the show basically tanked its fifth season? Good times. Let’s hope he keeps preaching, and the audience for this show just keeps dropping, and then he’ll disappear entirely and we can go back to talking about those bigot twins, because they’re much more pleasing to look at.

Special bonus hazard pay to any of you people that make it through the full 43 minutes of Phil Robertson sounding like your grandpa without his teeth in, yelling at you about Jesus.


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  • Unholy Moses

    “nor greedy”So … given that his greed made him and his family change from the yuppies they really to beard-having fake rednecks, all so they can horde more money, guessing he’ll be sitting next to Harvey Milk down in hell. Too bad you can’t take self awareness and make it into cheap-as-fuck items to sell in truck stops. Maybe then he could get some.

    • msanthropesmr

      Marketing self-awareness is next to impossible. Nobody wants that shit.

      • DrShitferbrains

        Damn right I don’t. I can’t afford it at any price. MUST NOT HAVE

    • Jay B.

      What the hell did Harvey Milk do to deserve that? If for some twisted reason Milk is in hell, he’s probably organizing it for sinners’ rights.

      • This. If Harvey Milk were in hell Satan is regretting it because he’d be organizing the shit out of the sinners.

      • elvigy

        I think he’s implying that, from the POV of Mr. Robertson, Harvey Milk is in hell. At least, that’s the way I took it. Unholy Moses is definitely right about the rest. Have you seen the pics of Robertson in golf attire? Lulz.

    • Lisa

      Thought the same about the “greedy”. I enjoy watching the show, but get a little tired of “Duck Dynasty” logos plastered on everything that isn’t moving (although, full disclosure, bought Duck Dynasty wine this week as a joke to take to a wine tasting party). Their logo is on absolutely everything, and I consider that a bit greedy (and great marketing by their pr folks).

  • Epidemicart

    Ugh, well… Looks like I don’t get hazard pay. Fuck that. lol.

  • TJ Barke

    Isn’t there something in that there book along the lines of “judge not”?

    • Jay B.

      Maybe. Somewhere in the back.

    • Kidneys4Sale


    • Jaime Oria

      Reverend Lovejoy: “Wellll, the Bible says a lot of things…”

  • BruceMcGlory

    I know that, as a gay man married to another gay man, he hopes he’s offending and hurting me. But really, whenever I see him, the first thing I think is, “homeless dude needs to take a fucking BATH”. I mean, you’re a goddamn millionaire, dude. I think you could afford soap now and then. You can fucking feel the maggots crawling around in that beard. Gross.

  • Camacho/Trump 2016!!

    Fucking guy can’t even take off his camo pants for an hour and put on a godamned pair of slacks for church?

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    • Joseph Stavitsky

      Redneck Sunday Best

  • Riggsveda

    “Neither the sexually immoral, nor the idolators nor adulterers…nor thieves, nor greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God”.So…politicians in general, and Refuglicans in particular, is what you’re telling me, eh? I’m thinking all the slanderin’ in particular is going to put the nail in THAT Koch-lined coffin.

  • chascates

    The Kingdom of Heaven seems like it’s just full of assholes.

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  • Dolmance

    He rather reminds me of a pair of dentures jammed into a very hirsute ass.

  • JohnBull

    Think how disappointed he’ll be when he doesn’t have his millions to bribe St. Peter.

  • timtam

    Pray tell, how does one read the bible as not homophobic and racist? Do you just ignore bits?