May 29, 2018
PETA Would Like To Sell You Delicious Vegan Treats At Jeffrey Dahmer’s Childhood Home
Were you wondering if there was anyone left working at PETA who wasn’t the vegan equivalent of a Westboro Church member? Worry your pretty head no more, because PETA is disabusing you of the notion that anyone rational remains by suggesting it buy Jeffrey Dahmer’s childhood home and turn it into a vegan restaurant. We just can’t even.
First things first. Notorious serial killer/people eater Dahmer’s childhood home is actually for sale, but people do not seem to want to live in the house of a creepy cannibal mass murderer! Weird, right? Oh, and let’s not forget: he didn’t just reside there as a child — he committed his first murder there. Despite that, there was actually someone who bought it post-Dahmer.
Situated on a private wooded lot in a wealthy neighborhood near Akron, the three-bedroom home is priced at $295,000.
The home was first listed two years ago [but] it failed to sell then because of the depressed housing market and its notorious past.
“If you can get past that little problem, you’ll have a wonderful place to live,” said Chris Butler, the home’s current owner.
We probably cannot get past that, thank you very much, and we certainly weren’t thinking it was a place we’d like to go to have some delicious kale or chard or whatever the hell vegans eat. That is probably because we are not part of the completely off-the-rails troll machine that is PETA. Let’s check out their fresh thinking for this restaurant. First, let’s explicitly remind people that it was ground zero for a horrible murder spree!
Like Dahmer’s human victims, cows, pigs, and chickens are made of flesh and blood and fear for their lives when confronted by a man with a knife. They are also drugged and dragged, and their limbs are bound. Their struggles and screams are ignored as they are killed and cut up to be consumed. Their bones are thrown away like garbage.
We don’t know about you, but now we are FAMISHED. Let’s kick around some restaurant ideas!
What better way to transform this building’s sordid past than by creating a cruelty-free vegan dining spot in that will inspire visitors to choose nonviolent meals and practice compassion with every bite they take? The name we have in mind is “Eat for Life—Home Cooking.”
“The name we have in mind will forever remind you that a person WHO ATE PEOPLE lived here. Enjoy your carrot smoothie!”
Look, we know we’re just giving oxygen to PETA’s insatiable trolltastic vision, but we just couldn’t help ourselves. Thankfully, it looks like their dumb plan could never come to fruition because the home isn’t in an area zoned for restaurants or dumbassery.
[The house] is zoned for single-family residential use. It’s unlikely Bath Township would change the zoning to allow a business such as a restaurant in a residential neighborhood, said Bill Funk, the township’s zoning inspector and administrator.
Funk said the building and lot are poorly suited for that purpose. He pointed out that the house has well water and a septic system, and the sloped, wooded lot would make parking difficult.
PETA has offered to pursue a change in zoning classifications, because that’s just the kind of helpful people they are, but the change appears unlikely. We’ve never been so thankful for Byzantine property classifications in our lives. Stand strong, Akron. You’re the last line of defense against PETA lunacy.