You People And Your Problems: ‘My Man’s Ex Is A Maniac!’

You People And Your Problems: 'My Man's Ex Is A Maniac!'

Here at HappyNiceTimePeople, we’re not afraid to be servicey. Email sara@happynicetimepeople.com with your advice questions on any topic. Now, on to a query from a gal who is dealing with serious baby mama drama from her gentleman caller’s ex.

Dear Sara:
I love my boyfriend and I love his kids but the drama their mom/his ex causes makes it hard to live our lives. It’s more complicated than that but my basic question is how do I decide if it’s worth it?
Sincerely,
Dandelion

Dear Dandelion:
Initially, I thought I ought to ask you what is in the best interest of the children. But then I remembered something important — you’re not the mommy here, or the stepmommy. You’re the girlfriend. That’s hard, because it means you’re not as involved in decision-making with regard to the children, but it’s also great…because you’re not as involved in decision-making with regard to the children. So let’s absolve you of responsibility to the babies, at least for the moment, and consider your responsibility to yourself.

The ex isn’t going to go away. And she’s most likely not going to change her behavior. So my question for you is, do the positives outweigh the negatives in this situation? Overall, does being in this relationship with this man create more happiness or unhappiness in your life? He clearly hasn’t created an adequate buffer between you and his ex, so I wonder if you’ll consider placing a lot of the responsibility for this situation on him.

It’s often tempting to blame another woman for everything (and I don’t doubt that she’s an ass!), but the truth is that it’s up to this man to manage the different relationships in his life. Do you want to be with someone who exposes you to whatever kind of “drama” has you upset enough to write to a stranger for advice? And do you want to sign up for a lifetime with this hose beast?

Really have a good think about this stuff. This is your life, after all. If he were sufficiently spectacular to make up for the monstrosity of his ex, I doubt you’d be writing to me in the first place.

Best wishes,

Sara

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  • goonemeritus

    The only move one has when dealing with a partner’s ex is togo all Switzerland. By declaring yourself a formal non-combatant you increase your opportunity for war profiteering.

    • Mahousu

      Here I thought “go all Switzerland” was going to mean “eat all the chocolate.” Which is a good idea, come to think of it.

  • calliecallie

    My advice: run away screaming and never look back.

  • $113808841

    Did he ever adequately explained to you why he spawned with this woman to begin with? His explanation (or complete lack thereof) may add some helpful insight into where your own relationship is really headed.

  • Mark Schmidt

    Either pack up and move on or have someone shoot her.

  • Force Crater

    Your boyfriend will leave you for crazy!!! He loves him some crazy! Once you love the cray-cray nothing else will ever be as sweet! (You may try to lie to yourself and say that you have learned your lesson but that is BS with a large swinging accompaniment.) Can you keep him locked in a cave OR are you really a pschyo-harpy with large protruding teeth? If the answer to both questions is ‘No’ then run to the nearest exit.

  • Deleted

    This post was deleted.

  • PattyCake

    It’s up to the man … why exactly?

    • Charismatic_dairy_goats

      Not because he’s “the man,” but because when you start a new relationship, whether you’re a man or a woman, you need to protect it. And because he’s The Parent, and it’s up to him to take care of The Kids. This includes taking on responsibilities the other Parent can’t or won’t. He’s supposed to do his Parent job, and ALSO protect some time to be with new GF, so they can have their relationship, instead of spending all their time together dealing with fallout from his ex. The same rule applies to women who have kids and start a new relationship. Boundaries are important for everybody! And they’re complicated. Sara also pointed out that the new GF also has a responsibility to decide what she can live with. So it’s NOT just “up to the man,” it’s how Dandelion responds to what he says or does. She can choose to set some boundaries of her own, so at least her life is more shielded from the crazy ex. Or she can make her BF’s crazy ex her problem too. Lots of people do, but at least they should realize what they’re doing.

      • PattyCake

        The second paragraph you wrote is what I was getting at.