You People and Your Problems: “I'm a straight guy in love with my lesbian BFF!”
Here at HappyNiceTimePeople, we’re not afraid to be servicey. Email firstname.lastname@example.org with your advice questions on any topic. Now, on to a query from a gent who has the delightful misfortune of being in lurve with a lesbian. Whatever shall he do about this strange situation?
I have a good female friend who’s gay (I’m a straight man.) We’ve known each other since forever, and I was one of the first people she told that she was gay. But recently I’ve found I’ve developed a crush on her. So when we hug or hang out (we’re both quite tactile people), it feels a little bit awkward. So do I tell her that I’m crushing on her, just to explain why I’m maybe acting oddly, or do I just wait til it passes and try to act normally until then?
You sound like a sweet dude, and an LGBTQ ally to boot! Congrats on being a great straight! Now riddle me this, BARTMAN (God I loved Bartman): what would you do if a gay friend told you he was in love with you? Or had a crush on you? Or whatever? In fact, would you even want him to let you know, or would you prefer he deal with it on his own and just continue being a buddy? Since the whole “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” thing is generally a good way to proceed in this life (unless you are a masochist), I suggest you look at the situation as if you were in her position. You can also imagine the gay dude was a straight lady friend of yours. Or a lesbian you did NOT want to boink! The possibilities are endless, really.
Here is another question to ask: do you think your friendship is strong enough to withstand you confessing some feelings and asking for some space? And here is yet another question: do you really have a crush on her, or is this just a crush on someone who is “safe” (i.e., will never actually be attainable and therefore does not carry the threat of relationship-ing?) I have not even asked if she has a girlfriend. If she does, I would DEFINITELY advise against confessing your feelings, because then that girlfriend will no longer trust you (or like you, probably, at all).
My main point is this: before you go saying something or doing something that involves your lady friend, look inside yourself and ask why this issue has arisen in the first place. Once you get clarity on that, you should be able to envision an ideal outcome (understanding that she is not going to bone you). Proceed with kindness, patience and a good sense of humor (especially a self-deprecating one) and I think you’ll sort it out just fine. This may just be a phase.