An Incomplete List Of People We Would Not Tip Even Though They Are (Probably) Not Even Gay

We are not all that conversant with the various conservative Christian traditions, what with generally being godless commie heathens and all, but apparently one of the things that is totes cool is to be a total dick towards people if their belief systems differ from yours? Cool story! After dining at one of Kansas's fine chain Italian restaurants, some good Christian folks thought it would be a bit of Jesus-y kindness to do this:

Thank you for your service, it was excellent. That being said, we cannot in good conscience tip you, for your homosexual lifestyle is an affront to GOD. Queers do not share in the wealth of GOD, and you will not share in ours. We hope you will see the tip your fag choices made you lose out on, and plan accordingly. It is never too late for GOD’S love, but none shall be spared for fags. May GOD have mercy on you.

Where do we even begin. First, you do know that the homosessican indirectly got your monies because of how he works there, right? Also, too, apparently your conscience allows the filthy ghey to serve you food but not for you to give them some coin for it? Jesus is WEIRD, y'all. And kind of a cheapskate maybe?

But hey, we can kinda get behind this not tipping people you dislike/disagree with/fear because it is our money, goddammit. Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you a not-even-remotely complete list of people we would prefer not to tip, even though we'd let them give us food.

1) George Lucas


George, we cannot in good conscience tip you, because of Star Wars Episodes I-III, but especially for Jar Jar Binks. Jar Jar Binks should actually be a hanging offense rather than just a no tipping issue.

2) “Funny” Robert De Niro

An Incomplete List Of People We Would Not Tip Even Though They Are (Probably) Not Even Gay

Bobby has enough Taxi Driver goodwill built up to last a lifetime in terms of being allowed to bring us food to fill our gullets, but we remain unappreciative of the entire Fockers-related career turn. It is never too late for GOD'S love, but none shall be spared for half-baked hams.

3) Sentimental Robin Williams


Much like the rapidly-getting-less-illustrious Mr. De Niro above, Williams has a storehouse of good acts – “Mork and Mindy,” standup from when he still did coke – that mean we would deign to let him transport food to our table. The Patch Adams path Williams embarked on many years ago has driven him from the grace of GOD'S loving kindness, but he might be able to get back in – and score a sweet ass 18% tip – if he'd do this bit at the table.

4) Gateway Pundit Jim Hoft


We'd let the Stupidest Man on the Internet bring us food, because we are hungry and lazy, but there is no way we would tip him because fucker still owes us $3150. Jim, GOD wants you to PAYTHEFUCKUP.

5) Twitter Feminists


Actually, we would not even let Twitter feminists even bring us food, let alone tip them afterwards. It would not only be an ethical gluten free vegan hellhole pile of mush, but they would pick fights with us, with each other, with their moms and your moms, and with everyone who's ever said a word, including “and” and “the,” at the very same time. That's right. Twitter feminists bum us out more than “funny” Robert De Niro and skinflint Jim Hoft.



You may also like...

  • msanthropesmr

    What the fuck is a twitter feminist? How is this different than a meat space feminist? Please don’t make me look at the twitter to find out.

  • Farb

    Jim Hoft must have a wonderful sou. Calling him a pundit is a might harsh.

  • TheLifeSilica

    Are Twitter feminists worse or better than YouTube personalities and Twitter comedians?

  • edith prickly

    I would not tip Elizabeth Wurtzel. Because she would get my order wrong, then tell me it doesn’t matter because she used to be a bestselling author and people come to the restaurant just to bask in her presence, not bring them food. Then she’d probably wander away for a while and I’d leave without paying.

  • edith prickly

    It would not only be an ethical gluten free vegan hellhole pile of mushSo I shouldn’t post my recipe for quinoa pilaf with kale and sprouted hemp seeds?

    • msanthropesmr

      No, in fact, you should probably salt the recipe and burn it to keep it from coming back.