People Much Less Deserving Than You Have Piles Of Cash For Their Stupid Selfie Sandwich Ideas
Perhaps this morning you woke up and you felt productive and awesome and you were thinking “damn, I am happy. I do good things in the world, I work hard. I am proud of me and my achievements.” Yay you! But then you read that some brogrammer has raised $2 million to make an app that allows you to take selfies, even though you already have one million ways to take selfies, but it is cool because this dude is down with your special selfie needs, brah. It is just for taking selfies and sharing them with your selfie friends. Selfies on selfies on selfies. Break it down for us, Sam Biddle:
In fact, you can only use the front-facing camera on your phone in Shots Of Me. It’s like Instagram, but with half of it missing, no filters, a worse name, and the possibility of profiting Justin Bieber. Constine goes on to write roughly one thousand words justifying the existence of this software, which has raised well over two million dollars in venture backing.
So it does less than anything you already have, and someone has $2 million and you don’t. Join us in weeping in the corner, won’t you? But first, let the bro explain how this is a top-of-the-line app for your top-of-the-line phone, because that’s just how you selfie roll:
In a cool chameleon design trick, the name/location and caption/likes bars above and below each photo take on the colors of the pic and change as you scroll. It’s like you’re looking through a steamy window. Shahidi proclaims “We want to be a top of the line product. You spend $500 on a phone. Does this app fit the quality of the iPhone, does this feel like a like Mercedes or a Ferrari?” That might be pushing it, but the app has number of flourishes like letting you pick the color of the navigation chrome.
Yeah, those semi-matching bands of color at the top and bottom of your selfie are definitely just like rocking a Mercedes. A Mercedes with no options and no sunroof and no seats because you have no fucking choices with this app except to take the same shot of yourself over and over. We’d like to think we’d reached peak cultural narcissism now that this exists but haha of course we have not.
If you’re not ready to cry yet, remember that Justin Bieber is an investor in this thing because, wacky bro guy explains, “he can consistently sell millions of record and huge numbers of concert tickets, he must have a knack for understanding what kids want.” Urm. There’s a one of these things is not like the other logic fail in there, but we’re too sad to think about it.
And if we weren’t sad enough about America right now, we’ve also just learned that the 300 Sandwiches lady – remember her? She’s the one whose boyfriend said he would only marry her after she made him 300 sandwiches and she thought that was awesome? Yeah, she has a book deal. With Random House. To come out on Valentine’s Day, because nothing says true love like make me 300 sammiches, bitch.
Please return to your regular day now that we have sucked all meaning and joy out of it.