An Open Letter To People Who Water Their Lawns During A Drought

An Open Letter To People Who Water Their Lawns During A Drought
Dear Neighbors:
Hello. Hi. How are you? I’m fine. Well, actually, that’s a lie. I am not fine. I am enraged. I am livid. I am ready to freak the fuck out. Why? Because we’re in the midst of the worst drought in California history, and you won’t stop watering your fucking lawns.

I’m aware that I live in a small, unfancy place without a yard. It is nothing like your mansions, which local real estate info leads me to believe are each worth upwards of $2 million. I do not have an in-ground pool, as it appears you all do. I do not have a nanny or a gardener, as it appears you all do. I do not have a gated driveway, a big chimney (or any chimney), a pedigreed purebred dog, or a fancy car, as you all do. I do not have a large fountain in my front yard, as many of you do (remember, I do not actually have a yard at all).

What I have is anger. Anger that you fucking douchebags, with all your fancy stuff, can’t see clear to TURNING OFF THE FUCKING SPRINKLER SYSTEM.

Your sprinkler systems go on every day when I walk my dog at approximately 6 a.m. Your lush, green lawns (all planted with non-native grasses obviously) suck in all the water. Meanwhile, governor declared a state of emergency in January. IN JANUARY! And you’re still watering your lawns?

Why don’t you take all the money you use to send your kids to private school and shove it up your well-hydrated asses? Or, better yet, set the money on fire in the front lawn and then demand the fire department show up to put out the fire with gallons of water and then hire a landscaping company to reseed and regrow the same unnatural alien grass you’ve been growing for years?

I know I have no power in this situation, but I am going to throw the shadiest shade of all time at you from now until you get cited by Officer Lawman for being a greedy shitbag. If you want a lush green lawn, move the fuck to Connecticut, already.

Fuck you very much,
Sara Benincasa

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  • Hammiepants

    I don’t know where you live, but if you live in the city of Los Angeles, there is already in effect a restriction on the watering of lawns. Odd numbered homes can water on MWF, even on TTHS. Also, only before 9AM or after 4PM, only for eight minutes. It is mandatory, and DWP is beginning to cite people. So if these people are watering every day, they are assclowns and you should report them to DWP.

    • emberglance

      Yep, and they said on NPR this very morn that they were thinking of introducing on-the-spot $500 fines for these Hancock Park (I’m guessing?) asshats. Maybe then they could reduce the fees for parking tickets…

    • Haribo Lector

      Anyone who knows anything about plants knows that you water them in the evening, so the water doesn’t evaporate off, anyway.

      • Brenda Szuszczewicz

        Depends. In some areas watering in the evening is a terrible idea.

        • Haribo Lector

          Can you elaborate on this please?

      • glasspusher

        Some plants, like pineapples, open their stomata in the night to suck up CO2, then perform photosynthesis on it during the day with their stomata closed, just to save water. Pineapples are sweeter if harvested at the end of the day for this reason.

  • Mahousu

    That was the thing that always got me when I lived in California – you can grow a thousand different things there that are wonderful and require little or no maintenance – and instead people would waste money, effort and water trying to propagate little patches of Kentucky.

    • goonemeritus

      And farmers grow rice, let me let that sink in they aregrowing FUCKING RICE in Fucking California.

      • DemmeFatale

        And they bitched about the crappy levies.”You think the ones in New Orleans are bad…” yada, yada.

        • glasspusher

          The crappiest Levi I know of is Bristol’s ex.

      • glasspusher

        I always throw fucking rice at weddings. It’s a fertility aid.

      • Darkrose

        That actually makes some sense. The area where most rice is grown is near the Sacramento River delta, and we do flood plains here.

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    People report rogue lawn waterers here in Atlanta when we’re in a drought;You should try doing so.

    • DemmeFatale

      Amazingly, it’s not rogue in Norcal. Yet.

      • glasspusher

        I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that the toidy in my son’s bathroom was a silent leaker until I was hit with a $300 water bill. Ouch! Fixed that but quick.Also: Norcal represent.

  • Wow when I lived in CA in the early 90’s you god scolded for even leaving the water running when brushing your teeth …

    • laineypc

      If it’s yellow let it mellow…

      • Volt Owner

        If it’s brown, flush it down.

  • SullivanSt

    Fuckers know that no matter how high crop failures drive food prices, they’ll always be able to afford it. Everyone else can starve and die, their vibrant lawn is more important than your dinner.

  • PubOption

    Many years ago, when I lived in the Dallas area, there was a severe drought in North Texas. In Fort Worth (I think it was), people caught watering their lawns could have their water turned off without notice.

  • Paul J

    And they’re going to be surprised when someone burns their house down.

  • Wendy Belgard Hanawalt

    This whole lawn thing is totally psychotic. I have to keep reminding my fellow condo dwellers that it’s only grass, and not even the good kind. No one dies if the lawn isn’t green. I love that people used to move to Arizona because of their allergies, then proceeded to plant all the greens they had at home and got allergies all over again. People are stupid.

  • EmmettGrogan

    True story: In the late 80’s I lived in Sacramento, CA next door to a guy who set his timer to water his lawn for hours every day. This, during a bad drought. One day his electricity went out. Dept of Water came to check it out and told him that he had overwatered his lawn so much that he rotted out the underground electrical wires. He didn’t believe the man and still blamed the water dept. Idiot.

    • DemmeFatale

      Ha! Ha!Karma’s a bitch!

    • glasspusher

      private lawns are typically both overwatered and over fertilized. Sounds like your old neighbor was full of fertilizer himself…

  • Gustave188

    Oh you’re just maaaaad ’cause you don’t have a huuuubbie.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    I thought Kaili was the angry one…

    • RevZafod

      At Wonkette and HNTP, we are all the angry one.

      • glasspusher

        Dr. Banner- now might be a really good time for you to get angry.

  • Al Swearengen

    And the pathetic thing is that we don’t ever actually use our front yards. It might as well be green-painted asphalt. It is a waste of water up there with golf courses.

    • Deleted

      This post was deleted.

      • glasspusher

        I also heard that lawns are something the Europeans brought here, being the grazing animals out there kept a lot of fields naturally cut to the quick. You go with what you know.Lawns are boring, but frisbee is not.

  • goonemeritus

    I’m really sorry, I know I shouldn’t but frankly my Japanesegardener is kind of scary.

  • Someone did a study on the correlation between income and cooperation with drought restrictions on watering lawns and such. Sure enough, the middle class did pretty well, and the worst were the very rich. The survey allowed comments, and a frequent comment from the rich was that they wanted to get theirs while it lasted.Such princes.

    • DemmeFatale

      That’s because they have to have “a man ’round” to do it, and they forget.(I’m trying to be charitable.)

  • Since Americans (& most Californians) are idiots who won’t do anything until it’s too damn late, I’m running all my taps 24/7 & flushing the toilet every five mins. to bring the crisis to a head.

    • DemmeFatale

      And don’t forget to turn your lights on 24/7.(Especially the ones in your closets.)

  • Rick Hill

    Wait. I know this one. From back when people pointed out how useless and wasteful SUVs were…..”You’re all just jealous ’cause you don’t have one!”

  • RevZafod

    Well, no need to take a bag when you walk the dog, and you know where to encourage the mutt to take a dump.

    • glasspusher

      Piss on his rug, while you’re at it.

  • glasspusher

    I live in California. I don’t have a lawn. I also wouldn’t water it if I had one. I save the dew that comes off of my redwoods when the fog rolls in and use that to water my apple tree (no joke, it runs off my roof at about a gallon per hour), so there.California, where water flows to the money…

    • natoslug

      I let the dew that comes off my redwoods water my ferns and huckleberry bushes. I do, however, give my artichokes some water once every week or two. And I wish my damned lawn would quit growing so much — I’m tired of nagging the boy-child to mow the lawn.

  • marindenver

    Watering restrictions have pretty much become the norm for most of the West. Here in central Colorado we had 170% of normal snowpack in the mountains, so reservoirs are full and we’re still restricted to 3 days a week before 10 a.m. or after 6 p.m. If you live in the West just get used to it. And if you see people cheating JUST SNITCH! Just because we had a lot of water one year we could see major drought the next. And fires and all the other shit that goes with it. Lots of xeric plants available that create a beautiful garden and need minimal water.

  • willi0000000

    it’s time for an even simpler rule than watering bans or alternate days . . . no watering of plants (or washing cars) with municipal (i.e. potable) water at all . . . yank out all outside taps and irrigation system connections . . . either plant native drought-resistant species or pave it! . . . use a car wash because they recycle their water.for every household put in a meter and set the rates to provide a reasonable amount of water per family member based on census data . . . anything over that gets hit hard on the rate with rates rising for each increment over allowed use.potable water is for humans, livestock and pets . . . wasting it on grass is stupid.unless someone can give me a good reason not to use untreated water on plants i’ll remain for that too . . . full water treatment is expensive.

  • Marilyn Browning Vogel

    I am mad about thing. Is that how you say it? Fact: Big Ag in California uses 80% of the state’s and represents 2% of our state GDP. Big Ag is making hella profits selling fruit and nuts to China. Look up how many acres of almond orchards have gone into production even during this drought. Read Mother Jones article “6 Charts That Show How We Became China’s Grocery Store and Wine Cellar” So instead of shaking your east cost humid climate finger at us, why not just tell Paramount Farms to stop selling our water China.

  • OneDemin EOr

    Sara, you go girl! People in Portland have been letting lawns die back during the summer for years. When the rains start again, the lawns green up and look really nice. My pet peeve is all the water, chemicals and labor resources that pool maintenance requires. And no one uses them!

  • Darkrose

    I wish I knew who owned the duplex next door, because I’d tape this up for them. It’s rented out, so the actual residents have no control over the sprinkler system that goes on during the hottest part of the day and ends up mostly watering the sidewalk.