There Was More Than One Episode Of '19 Kids And Counting' This Week Because We Have Offended The Lord

Did you know that the Duggar show thingy “19 Kids and Counting” sometimes airs two episodes in one night and then we have to recap two Duggar shows at once? US NEITHER. So we’re back recapping episode three of this season and what have we done to deserve this?

Jill has a very special announcement, so she calls Mom and Dad Duggar on the home phone, which is a thing in this house, so that they can come to the living room and hear her big news. But first, lets reminisce about how great Jill is. She is fun! She is laid back! She eats pickles!

Many boys have reached out to Daddy Duggar about courting Jill, but none has been special enough for her. Except now she has met a special someone, and we are going to watch them FaceTime, because life is meaningless.

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Jill’s special dude is Derick Dillard, but they have never met, because right now he lives in Nepal. Mom and Dad Duggar watch the FaceTiming with an eagerness usually reserved for anticipation of receipts of large sums of money.

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Derick met the Duggars because he asked Daddy Duggar to be his prayer partner. Jill describes it as a bromance and we want to die. We watch more Skype Praying and hear more about how Daddy is matchmaking for Jill. Jill and Derick have been having a pre-courtship relationship, which seems to mean that they talk about their favorite Bible verses. This is DEFINITELY how we got to know people when we were 22, except for the part where ours involved drinking and sex and never talking about the Bible.

We’re back in DC with Josh and Anna and we’re going to watch some homeschooling! Josh sings a song of praise about how great he turned out from homeschooling, and then the show gives us one of the most horrifying factoid pop up things ever.

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Anna keeps wandering off and leaving the child that is to be schooled to her own devices because the other children keep clamoring for her attention. This seems like a very sound pedagogical plan. Anna’s logic is that her eldest, Mackynzie, will take direction and just work on a workbook and then Anna can leave her alone and go deal with the other children. Does Anna or anyone else on this show know that this is not generally how education works? Probably not! Anna says she’s just learning how to homeschool, but Mackynzie is maybe catching on. Oh well. Probably no big deal if you don’t know how to teach and your kid doesn’t learn anything, right?

Now we’re going to watch Mom Duggar play chess with one Jeremiah, except that Mom does not know how to play chess. Jeremiah loves chess, and a helpful factoid pop-up tells us all the other sexxxy things Jeremiah likes doing in his spare time.

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What a catch. The unicycle riding really puts it over the top, hottness-wise. How on earth is he still single?

There’s a family meeting for the kids to plan a talent show or dinner theater for their parents, which you know is going to be ridiculous. They all spitball ideas: a short film! violins! dancing! This will be terribawesome, but you know they will not actually have it for another several episodes but we will watch one million rehearsals.

There will be Bible skits. God have mercy on our soul.

They have to break into teams because there are so goddamn many of them. One of the older ones is going to try to convince some of the younger ones to sing a song. It looks like it is going really well.

There Was More Than One Episode Of '19 Kids And Counting' This Week Because We Have Offended The Lord

Wait. Why don’t these kids have to be homeschooled also too? Is putting on a skit for Mom and Dad Duggar today’s lesson?

Now we get to listen to several younger Duggars yell their way through “Jesus Loves Me.” Nothing in the universe will ever be OK again.

Oh god, it gets worse. The older Duggar girls are writing a book about growing up Duggar. We’re assuming it will be picked up by the same people who were foolish enough to publish Mom and Dad Duggar’s books.

We are professional writer types, and we can guarantee that writing anything does not look like this. The four girls sit around on their four beds, each with a different computer and just talk about how cool the book is. Ladies, this is actually called “not writing.”

Jill wants to meet Derick so that she can be sure her love is true, so she wants to know if Mom and Dad want to plan a trip to Nepal to meet him. How on earth is this an actual thing a child would ask their parents? This is not “can I go to Nepal” or even “I am going to Nepal.” This is “why don’t we all go to Nepal to meet this dude I have never met but think I love, even though said dude is coming back to the states in a few months.” Also, her heart is in Nepal, or another country, or something. Those not-American countries are really all the same, aren’t they?

Daddy Duggar is a wee bit hesitant about the whole thing, but his solution is that Jill can stay home while Mom and Dad go to Nepal and check the kid out first. Seriously? The Duggars get to go to fucking Nepal, while we figure that it would be cool just to get to Chicago or something for a weekend.

After that is decided, Daddy Duggar macks on his wife in front of Jill and makes sure to tell her that when she meets Derick, there will be no macking. Seriously, this guy is the creepiest.

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We are perfectly down with parents showing affection in front of their children, but Daddy Duggar’s affection always comes with him crawling on his wife while simultaneously telling his children they can’t do that but they should look forward to it.

Duggar kids, pack up and run for the hills. It’s your only hope.

Keep up with us keeping up with the Duggars by checking out these back episodes.

19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode Two
19 Kids and Counting Season Eight Episode One

TV Show: 19 Kids and Counting

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  • Annie Towne

    I didn’t read this re-cap, Lisa, in the hope that failing to do so will make Becks relieve you of this onerous duty (Death to Tyrants!). Yours in solidarity, AT

  • leemoder

    Of course the spawn are gonna perform Bible skits, it’s the only freaking thing they’re aware of! Oh, where have all the pickles gone?

  • leemoder

    I swear this is the same way the Ringmaster’s Circus of Crime got their start.

  • Cindyinencinitas

    I don’t know who I feel the most sorry for. The mom, the kids, or myself for having to see them occasionally flit by on my teevee. How twisted is that dad, anyway? Latent gay, right? Otherwise, what would be the explanation for his ginormous over-compensating with teh babbies all over the fucking place??? And as an alcohol enthusiast, I am deeply concerned about what these kids are going to do when they get away from their parents and try drinking. Straight to the ER, I bet. Move over, BYU losers, here comes MacKenzie Manybabies for her first activated charcoal dessert.

    • Miss Dill

      that’s MACKYNZIE…Mackynzie Duggar….see how that just flows? Beautiful name.Anyway, I wonder what people like them do with the gay kids. It seems statistically impossible for them not to have at least one. And all the bebby making? It’s because they DON’T drink…gotta get your jollies somewhere.

      • Jane Westin

        I believe they explained once that the spelling of her name was different to differentiate from a cousin of the same name but with a more traditional spelling.

  • MRC210

    Wait a minute … Anna? Mackynzie? Not Janna and Jackynzie? Huh. Looks like someone’s wife isn’t walking in Godly submission to her husband and father-in-law. Someone’s wife might even have some uppity ideas of her own about names. Maybe she needs a little home-schooling herself ..

  • NGColy

    I know, I know, I know you had to suffer through two episodes..but that means I got to read two recaps while listening to Kid Cudi and drinking cheap beer, and that makes this all dee-fucking-licious. Tip of the cap to ya.

  • torontomeridith

    You’d go to Nepal too, if TLC was footing the bill. All Duggars would be wise to find future spouses in similarly exotic locales.

  • Arcturus

    A book? Looks like these litter-mates done gone to the Bristol Palin school of grifting.

  • edgydrifter

    TLC is dead to me.

  • kath1y

    Wait a minute. Is this Derrick Dillard guy related to the Dillard Department store chain, which happens to be out of Arkansas? Is this Duggar a gold-digger? Yo, Research Dept, over here please.

    • billinpenna

      I ain’t sayin’ she a gold dugger…

    • Miss Dill

      yeah, I was trying to absorb the name “Derick Dillard” (with one R in Derick) when the Dillard part hit…unfortunate name, but hope there’s money w/it…kinda like dating a “Gump” …and speaking of names. what is it with “Mackynzie”? What’s so wrong with “McKenzie”? “Jinger” I’ll give them…but I really hate when people have to spell their names a way that ensures that it will always be spelled wrong somewhere, and your kid, if you ever let it out in the real world, will spend half its time SPELLING its name for people, fer Chrissakes…

      • politicallie

        I work in the school district Transportation dept. If some dumb ass parent who spells her kids name all stupid calls, I make them spell out every letter, and then I repeat it real slow back to them…Just to fuck with them. Jaccob, Mikal, Johnathan. And you have the nerve not to spell it out for me in the first place? Oh, I am gonna make you wish you named your child Joe or Bob.

        • Jane Westin

          When and where I grew up it was traditionally Johnathan. Just because you may be ignorant of how different areas of the country, or world for that matter does things/spells names, etc. does not give you the right to fuck with people….oh, OK go ahead it just shows your ignorance more.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The horror… the horror.

  • Debra Kay

    Does anyone else want to kidnap Mother Duggar and de-program her? I try and tell myself to live and let live, but she has that absent look that cultist seem to have.

  • cc42

    Why am I punching myself in the face!?

  • BruceMcGlory

    Ugh everything about this show just makes me so sad. The acting is awful. I don’t buy for a second that they aren’t miserable once the camera turns off. Just like those sister-wives freaks.

  • Kay

    In Anna’s defense, Mackynzie is only four. She’s not exactly school aged yet and she’s already starting to read and write and do math. So yeah. Knowledge.Also compare the Duggar daughters’ book to Farrah Trashbraham’s or Kailyn Lowry’s, and notice the fact that the Duggar girls can actually spell. I mean, publishing companies don’t edit for spelling anymore, so you know that shit’s legit.Hilarious recaps though!!! :D SOOOO much of it is spot-on.