There Was More Than One Episode Of '19 Kids And Counting' This Week Because We Have Offended The Lord
Did you know that the Duggar show thingy “19 Kids and Counting” sometimes airs two episodes in one night and then we have to recap two Duggar shows at once? US NEITHER. So we’re back recapping episode three of this season and what have we done to deserve this?
Jill has a very special announcement, so she calls Mom and Dad Duggar on the home phone, which is a thing in this house, so that they can come to the living room and hear her big news. But first, lets reminisce about how great Jill is. She is fun! She is laid back! She eats pickles!
Many boys have reached out to Daddy Duggar about courting Jill, but none has been special enough for her. Except now she has met a special someone, and we are going to watch them FaceTime, because life is meaningless.
Jill’s special dude is Derick Dillard, but they have never met, because right now he lives in Nepal. Mom and Dad Duggar watch the FaceTiming with an eagerness usually reserved for anticipation of receipts of large sums of money.
Derick met the Duggars because he asked Daddy Duggar to be his prayer partner. Jill describes it as a bromance and we want to die. We watch more Skype Praying and hear more about how Daddy is matchmaking for Jill. Jill and Derick have been having a pre-courtship relationship, which seems to mean that they talk about their favorite Bible verses. This is DEFINITELY how we got to know people when we were 22, except for the part where ours involved drinking and sex and never talking about the Bible.
We’re back in DC with Josh and Anna and we’re going to watch some homeschooling! Josh sings a song of praise about how great he turned out from homeschooling, and then the show gives us one of the most horrifying factoid pop up things ever.
Anna keeps wandering off and leaving the child that is to be schooled to her own devices because the other children keep clamoring for her attention. This seems like a very sound pedagogical plan. Anna’s logic is that her eldest, Mackynzie, will take direction and just work on a workbook and then Anna can leave her alone and go deal with the other children. Does Anna or anyone else on this show know that this is not generally how education works? Probably not! Anna says she’s just learning how to homeschool, but Mackynzie is maybe catching on. Oh well. Probably no big deal if you don’t know how to teach and your kid doesn’t learn anything, right?
Now we’re going to watch Mom Duggar play chess with one Jeremiah, except that Mom does not know how to play chess. Jeremiah loves chess, and a helpful factoid pop-up tells us all the other sexxxy things Jeremiah likes doing in his spare time.
What a catch. The unicycle riding really puts it over the top, hottness-wise. How on earth is he still single?
There’s a family meeting for the kids to plan a talent show or dinner theater for their parents, which you know is going to be ridiculous. They all spitball ideas: a short film! violins! dancing! This will be terribawesome, but you know they will not actually have it for another several episodes but we will watch one million rehearsals.
There will be Bible skits. God have mercy on our soul.
They have to break into teams because there are so goddamn many of them. One of the older ones is going to try to convince some of the younger ones to sing a song. It looks like it is going really well.
Wait. Why don’t these kids have to be homeschooled also too? Is putting on a skit for Mom and Dad Duggar today’s lesson?
Now we get to listen to several younger Duggars yell their way through “Jesus Loves Me.” Nothing in the universe will ever be OK again.
Oh god, it gets worse. The older Duggar girls are writing a book about growing up Duggar. We’re assuming it will be picked up by the same people who were foolish enough to publish Mom and Dad Duggar’s books.
We are professional writer types, and we can guarantee that writing anything does not look like this. The four girls sit around on their four beds, each with a different computer and just talk about how cool the book is. Ladies, this is actually called “not writing.”
Jill wants to meet Derick so that she can be sure her love is true, so she wants to know if Mom and Dad want to plan a trip to Nepal to meet him. How on earth is this an actual thing a child would ask their parents? This is not “can I go to Nepal” or even “I am going to Nepal.” This is “why don’t we all go to Nepal to meet this dude I have never met but think I love, even though said dude is coming back to the states in a few months.” Also, her heart is in Nepal, or another country, or something. Those not-American countries are really all the same, aren’t they?
Daddy Duggar is a wee bit hesitant about the whole thing, but his solution is that Jill can stay home while Mom and Dad go to Nepal and check the kid out first. Seriously? The Duggars get to go to fucking Nepal, while we figure that it would be cool just to get to Chicago or something for a weekend.
After that is decided, Daddy Duggar macks on his wife in front of Jill and makes sure to tell her that when she meets Derick, there will be no macking. Seriously, this guy is the creepiest.
We are perfectly down with parents showing affection in front of their children, but Daddy Duggar’s affection always comes with him crawling on his wife while simultaneously telling his children they can’t do that but they should look forward to it.
Duggar kids, pack up and run for the hills. It’s your only hope.
Keep up with us keeping up with the Duggars by checking out these back episodes.