Jul 24, 2017
Once Upon a Time: The Passion of the Pop-Tart
This week on Once, Captain Hook learns that, contrary to popular belief, the best way to make friends and influence people is not by taking their Pop Tarts and murdering their dads. Also this week, the Evil Queen develops a southern accent for some inexplicable reason, and reconnects with an old flame. Oh, and Belle gets an ultrasound.
It’s a very wet, but not particularly wild, episode. So, let’s get to it. Shall we?
We all live in a blue-ish submarine . . .
Once upon a time, Captain Nemo kidnaps Captain Hook from the Jolly Roger and forces him onto his submarine, the Nautilus. Nemo does this, apparently, because he has a magical object aboard his ship that acts as a GPS for Man Pain. And nobody has more Man Pain than the guy with the hook for a hand.
Captain Nemo, an expert on all things vengeance, believes that it’s super unhealthy for Captain Hook to spend his life seeking revenge against Rumpel for murdering his side piece (who also happened to be Rumpel’s wife). More healthy? Stomping around under the sea in a scuba suit, while trying to avoid being eaten by a giant CGI octopus.
(And this is why you shouldn’t take advice from a guy who shares his name with an adorable cartoon fish with a really bad sense of direction.)
Like all the other guest star characters this season, Captain Nemo has been searching for a key to the Land of Untold Stories, a place where he can go to avoid having to face all the people he was a dick to in Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. Helping Nemo to find this key is his first mate, Liam, a guy whose Man Pain Sonar apparently was bleating just as loud as Hook’s, after the murder of his father left him an orphan at a young age.
Hook, Nemo and Liam eventually find the key. Shortly thereafter, though, Hook figures out that Liam is actually his baby brother. This means that Hook is the reason for Liam’s Man Pain, because he killed both their dads! (What a friggin’ coincidence, right? Of all the Man Pain Submarines 20,000 leagues under the sea, Hook and Liam both ended up on this one!)
Having never been much for confrontations, unless he’s the one starting them, Hook attempts to make a hasty exit from the Nautilus. Unfortunately, Nemo finds Hook before he can do this. Nemo, bless his heart, truly believes that Big Bro and Little Bro can hash out the whole Dead Dad/Orphan for Life thing over milk and animal crackers. But Liam, upon overhearing Hook’s true identity, has other ideas. He wants to kill Hook big-time!
A scuffle ensues between the Brothers Man Pain. And Nemo, who dumbly puts himself in the center of the fracas, ends up mortally stabbed.
This gives Liam extra incentive to hightail Nemo to the Land of Untold Stories, so the latter won’t die. It also gives Hook the incentive to get the eff out of here!
Leggo My Pop-Tart!
Though Henry never seemed to have any issue with his mother dating Hook before, this week, he exhibits some plot-convenient “Mom’s New Man is Trying to Be My Dad” angst, when the pirate tosses Henry’s Pop-Tart in the trash, and tells him to eat grapefruit and fish for breakfast instead. (Ew?)
Nobody gets in between Henry and his Pop-Tarts! Nobody!
Evil Queen, who seems to have the same Magical Man Pain GPS system as Captain Nemo, appears out of nowhere to take advantage of this new crack in the otherwise perfect fairytale family unit.
Under the guise of familial concern, the Queen reveals to Henry the “Cut of Your Savior-Ness” scissors that Hook was supposed to destroy for Emma, but instead kept poorly hidden in his tool box. (Because Hook is kind of a tool. A sexy tool, mind you. But a tool, nonetheless.)
An enraged Henry then takes the “Cut Your Savior-Ness” scissors himself, planning to finish the job his mother had initially assigned to her boyfriend. Hook finds the teen seconds before he can flush the darn things into the sea. And that’s when the pair get kidnapped by, you guessed it, a blue submarine!
This time, Liam, not Nemo, is piloting the submarine, since the Magical Time Stopper of being in the Land of Untold Stories is no longer around to prevent Nemo’s mortal chest wound from running its course. And you don’t need a Man Pain GPS to tell that this brother is PISSED with a capital P at Captain Hook!
Knowing that Liam only wants to kill Hook, not Henry, and believing there to be only one scuba suit aboard the Nautilus (even though there were at least three just minutes earlier in the episode), Hook gallantly offers Henry the escape hatch back to Storybrooke, while the pirate remains to take his death medicine. (Hope Henry knows how to scuba!)
Fortunately for Hook, Henry must have a Man Pain GPS too, because he only appears to escape the Nautilus, only to return at the exact moment when Liam is about to murder Hook, thereby saving his new father figure’s life. All together now: Awwwww!
You see, apparently, Henry does actually consider Hook to be part of his family, he just happens to be a part of the family that steals Pop-Tarts and scissors, and has terrible taste in breakfast foods.
Back in Storybrooke, Liam is rushed to the hospital for the injuries he suffered during his ill-fated attempt to murder his big brother. It is here that Liam is united with another patient at the hospital: Nemo. Apparently, in Storybrooke, mortal chest wounds don’t have to be so mortal after all. Anything for the sake of a happy ending!
Also in Storybrooke, Henry and Hook, having decided to be a Big Happy Family again, finally drop the “Cut Your Savior-ness” scissors into the sea togeether. It’s a slightly better hiding spot than inside Hook’s tool box. But not good enough that those scissors don’t find themselves in the wrong hands by the end of the episode…
Speaking of wrong hands…
This week hasn’t been a really great one for the Evil Queen. Not only did she fail to drive a permanent wedge between Hook and Henry by taking advantage of the latter’s undying devotion to sugary breakfast foods, she also lost her captive, Jiminy Cricket, to her better half’s employment of the oldest trick in the book: the “oh look over there, it’s a bird” distraction technique.
I would have expected better from the lady who imprisoned an entire cast of characters in a 28-year daily reenactment of the movie Groundhog Day.
But things start looking up for the Evil Queen when she retrieves the “Cut Your Saviorness Off” scissors from their crappy hiding place at the not-so-bottom of the sea, and offers them to Rumpel (who wants to use them to cut off Belle’s being pissed off at him… or something), in exchange for some Evil Queen/Dark One tonsil hockey.
Also in this scene, the Evil Queen reveals her true motivation for the season. It is—wait for it—to rip out Snow White’s heart.
Ugh! Again! This has been the Evil Queen’s motivation for six seasons. Get a new hobby, lady! Just don’t let that hobby be making out with Rumpel, because that was really gross to watch.
It should be noted that the Evil Queen inexplicably decided to sport a Southern accent throughout this episode, despite illustrating no evidence of actually being Southern at any other point in her life. Perhaps she was taking a page out of the Aladdin School of Accents and Acting Playbook, just to spice things up a bit.
Speaking of Aladdin, Emma convinces him not to run away from his girlfriend, just because he was a total coward and cut off his saviorness. Emma is sure that Jasmine will like Aladdin anyway. (I mean, it’s not like he cut off his p$%@s…) Aladdin offers to help Jasmine save the kingdom of Agrabah from total destruction. But Jasmine tells Aladdin he can’t… because the kingdom has already been destroyed.
What a bad boyfriend that Aladdin turned out to be! Not only is he Sans-Saviorness, he can never be bothered to be on time.
In other bad boyfriend news, Belle has a slight change of heart after seeing her first ultrasound, and decides to share a photograph of the blessed event with Rumpel. Of course, while she’s slipping the photo under the door of his shop, the Dark One is busy contracting mouth herpes from the Evil Queen.
With boyfriends like this in Storybrooke, it’s amazing that the female characters haven’t all decided to become lesbians.