Aug 6, 2017
Once Upon a Time: The Demise of Mary Margaret (Recap: S5: Ep 13)
There’s a new hero in town, ladies and gents. And though he was only around for a single episode, he won my heart, in ways I can’t even begin to describe. His name is Hercules.
Why am I so bowled over by this fine specimen of man, you ask? It’s not for his looks . . . though, don’t get me wrong, they are some very nice looks . . .
Rather, Hercules accomplished what five seasons of super attractive twenty and thirty-something year old men (and Henry) couldn’t. He got Snow White to finally reconsider her abysmally poor hair and fashion choices! So, maybe now there is hope that this . . .
. . . could turn back into this, before seasons end.
I’ve been waiting five years for this . . . seriously.
Other things happened this week too, I guess. Like Hook got beat up some more. That three-headed monster thingy got defeated. And Regina called someone a Child Muncher, which isn’t at all relevant to the plot, but is awesome, nevertheless!
But mostly for me the episode was about Hercules, and Snow’s decision to spiritually (and hopefully fashionably) reinvent herself. I wonder if they sell hair extensions in the Underworld?
Let’s review, shall we?
It strikes me as just a wee bit unfair that everyone else in the Underworld gets to sort of just “hang out” and have day jobs and stuff, while Captain Hook gets the crap beat out of him on a regular basis. (Then again, maybe that is actually his job, because there are no punching bags in the Underworld?)
Even Hook’s prison cellmate, Megara, gets to keep herself looking pretty, with, what I assume is an endless supply of really good moisturizer, and salon-quality conditioning shampoo . . .
After learning that Fluffy from Harry Potter is guarding their cell . . .
. . . Hook, ever the martyr, offers to create a diversion (one that possibly involves dancing like a schmuck) . . .
. . . so that his new lady friend can escape and inform Emma of his whereabouts . . .
Megara does as instructed, but can’t quite pin down the location of the jail cell she shared with Hook. This prompts Regina to send her boyfriend and adopted son to the Underworld version of her house, using the excuse that she wants them to find “maps,” but clearly she just hopes to get more alone time with her crush, Emma.
Speaking of fantasies, Megara’s description of Fluffy from Harry Potter causes Snow White to reminisce about that one time at Fairytale Land Camp when she sucked face with a demigod, and first learned how to properly wield a bow and arrow.
Snow’s First Beau
Back in Fairytale Land, Snow has a bit of a panic attack, when she can’t figure out how to solve her kingdom’s Bandit Problem, because she’s twelve, and twelve year olds shouldn’t rule kingdoms . . .
Snow runs away from her kingdom meeting in shame, and ends up falling into a not-particularly deep hole. (Like, seriously, she could have just stepped out of that thing, without even stretching her calf muscles.) But then this happens, which, of course, makes the whole “Hole Thing” totally worth it . . .
Hercules offers to help teach Snow how to defeat the bandits, because he obviously thinks that she’s super hot (which, she is, because, remember, this is before she got that awful haircut). He also believes himself to be the right man for this job, because he’s already completed 11 out of 12 of his “Labors” required to get up to Mount Olympus, all of which pretty much involved his beating the sh*t out of various beings.
Hercules, that super stud, fondles Snow White’s boobies a bit, while she holds a bow and arrow, and calls it “teaching.” So, of course, the first time Snow faces down the bandits and tries to actually shoot a bow and arrow, by herself, without a demigod’s hands on her tits, she fails miserably. But when Snow loses hope and wants to run away from her Queenly responsibilities, Hercules is there to imbue her with the real lesson of the episode: that failure is the best teacher, because it shows you what NOT to do the next time around.
So, Snow gathers up her newfound courage (and her boobies) and faces down the bandits a second time.
This time, she’s successful in scaring the bandits out of town (which seems kind of unrealistic, because ,even though she’s admittedly a pretty good shot, she’s still a twelve-year old girl facing down an entire gang of full-grown men, any of whom could single-handedly disarm her in about two-seconds flat. But, hey, it’s a fairytale, right?)
Hercules is so proud of his new girlfriend that he rewards her by sticking his godlike tongue down her throat (while touching her boobies . . . for old times sake, of course).
And you know what? I totally believe that these two crazy kids could have made it as a couple . . . that is if Hercules didn’t go off and immediately get murdered by Fluffy from Harry Potter . . .
. . . and Snow didn’t instantly age about 25 years and get a ridiculously unattractive haircut . . .
Cruella De Vil: Manipulator of Children, Kindred Spirit of Alcoholics Everywhere
You would think if the Underworld had anything at all to offer its inhabitants, it would be good booze, right? But, apparently, the darn place is bone dry, and Cruella will do just about anything to get her drink on again, even if it means joining forces with the kid whose mother murdered her.
The new frenemies easily evade the increasingly useless Robin Hood to chat about Henry’s nascent powers as “The Author.” Apparently, inanimate objects like pens can also have “unfinished business,” and Henry’s last season decision not to rewrite fairytale history wound up banishing his poor unfortunate Bic to the Underworld for all eternity . . .
But all hope is not lost! See, Henry can find this Beleaguered Bic and use it to undo Emma’s murder of Cruella! This way, Everyone’s Favorite Puppy Murderer can live on to drink gin to her hearts content (at least for another couple of years, until her liver gives out), and Mommy Emma can, for sure, go to Heaven, having no longer “officially” killed somebody . . . despite that whole “Being the Dark One for half a season” thing. It’s a Win-Win for all involved . . . well, except maybe for puppies . . .
Speaking of Fluffy Puppies . . .
To Give Head is Better Than to Receive It
Upon learning of Hercules’ untimely demise, Snow figures out that her former lover must have croaked while battling the very same three-headed thingy that was holding Hook hostage. “That must be his unfinished business . . . beating the crap out of the last thing on his list!” Snow White exclaims. “And here I thought the only way to get people into Heaven was to make them believe we were no longer assholes, like Regina did with her dad last week!”
Snow hunts down Hercules and invites him to beat the crap out of a dog with a birth defect, so he can go to Heaven??!! (What’s up with all the promotion of animal abusers in this week’s episode?) But Hercules isn’t interested, possibly because Snow is oldish now, and has crappy hair, thereby making him no longer want to fondle her boobies.
Then, Snow has her first run-in with Fluffy and realizes that he is NO JOKE. Disheartened, Snow curls up into a tiny ball of poorly dressed self-pity, until Regina, her erstwhile nemesis, beats some sense into her. “The old Snow White with the cool long hair and the nicer outfits defeated me a whole bunch of times! She could totally take on a dog with a birth defect . . . even though doing so would make her an animal killer / terrible human.”
We interrupt this pep talk about animal murder for a commercial from the ASPCA . . .
We now return to our regularly scheduled programming . . .
“You are totally right, Regina. The old Snow White with cool hair and nice clothes was bad ass, and the same actress that played her (except during those really young flashbacks), plays my sad sack of a character! That means I’m capable of making some positive life choices that will make me a better person! Now, lets go kill some improperly bred puppies!”
Hercules is thrilled that Snow White is going to help him murder a mammal, even though he no longer wants to get to second base with her, and put his tongue down her throat. Fortunately, Megara arrives, and even though she has no puppy murdering skills whatsoever, she’s hot and has nice hair, like Snow used to. Together, the three Disney characters easily dispose of poor defenseless, genetically mutated ,Fluffy. And this act of animal cruelty causes love to bloom between the two younger, prettier, better hair having characters in the murderous threesome.
And now they can both go to Heaven / Olympus together. Hooray! Then, again, perhaps, they should be a little afraid, because . . .
I’d like to say that Snow White has her “Murder Mary Margaret” epiphany because she enjoyed taking part in the heroic acts that brought about uniting Hercules and Megara in the afterlife. But, honestly, I think she just hopes that someone who looks like Hercules will theoretically want to grab her tits again . . .
. . . which is super news for Prince Charming . . . and his evil twin brother, James!
As for Hook, well, nobody is fondling his boobs just yet . . . unless they happen to graze them accidentally while beating the crap out of him . . .
No longer content with just bodily harming Hook, Hades decides he wants to scar him emotionally for life, by forcing him to choose which of his friends has to stay in the Underworld for all eternity to make up for the three people (and one three-headed dog) that got to go to Heaven, because the cast of Once tricked them into believing they are no longer assholes . . .
Until next time, Oncers!