Once Upon a Time: The Dead Boyfriend's Club (Recap- S5: Ep 21)
You get a Dead Boyfriend! And you get a Dead Boyfriend! And you get a Dead Boyfriend!
This week, the writers of Once celebrate Mother’s Day, by murdering a handful of the show’s menfolk. Because, in Storybrook, girls run the world, and boys are just there to look pretty.
It’s feminism at its finest, ladies. Let’s review, shall we . . .
Like a Bridge Over Troubled Waters . . . I Will Kill Someone For No Good Reason
No flashback in this episode . . . possibly because the killing of pretty boys is way too time consuming to waste minutes on silly things, like context and fairytale morals that have relevance in modern day life.
We pick up the episode right where last week’s left off. Hades and Zelena have just arrived in Storybrook from the Underworld. So, they decide to go for a “romantic stroll” on a bridge, while they wait for their “friends,” the Heroes, to arrive back home.
“I’m so thrilled that I get to be a good person on this show now, despite being The Absolute Worst for three seasons, because I’m a woman. And all female villains on this show (except Cruella?) get redemption, while all male villains get to be douchenozzles for life, unless they happen to be really, really, ridiculously good looking,” explains Zelena excitedly, as she cradles her newborn baby, who hasn’t had a diaper change in about three months.
Speaking of douchenozzles, Hades is so obviously still one of their number. But Zelena is completely oblivious to this, despite having been a villain herself up until about two minutes earlier. (Perhaps, Zelena has simply been rendered virtually comatose, by Hades painfully . . . slow . . . manner . . . of . . . speaking, and, therefore, is not actually awake, during most of this episode.)
“Please hold my baby, Lord of the Underworld / Possible Devil Worshipper, while I go for a frolic around town. That’s what good people do on this show right? Frolic and read books without words in them to solve all their problems?” Zelena asks.
“I wouldn’t know, because I’m a terrible human being, who wants to murder everyone in this entire town,” responds Hades (really, really, slowly), while he sizes up Zelena’s baby for a virgin sacrifice.
“What?” Zelena inquires.
“I said please go, because your baby is peeing, and she wouldn’t want to see you frown,” answers Hades.
“That makes no sense,” posits Zelena.
“I know . . . because . . . I . . . am . . . also . . . a . . . terrible . . . liar,” answers Hades.
“OK, well . . . bye!” Zelena says, as she skips away, because, apparently, heroes not only frolic, they skip too.
Once Zelena is gone, King Arthur conveniently rushes onto the scene in handcuffs. Apparently, he’s had a jailbreak or something. “Hi, my name is King Arthur. I’m a terrible person, who turned my wife into a Stepford Doofus, and have just questionable enough morals to become your ally,” explains Arthur.
“Hi, I’m Hades. I’m going to kill you, and villain monologue that it has something to do with my Master Plan to Rule Storybrooke, even though what, exactly, your death has to do with my plans for world domination is never really made clear, in the context of the episode. In fact, you actually end up helping the heroes kill me. I guess the writers just felt like the fans were not intelligent enough to see that I’m not a nice person, and needed it beat into their brains for the thousandth time.”
So Hades murders King Arthur in broad daylight on the bridge. And his wife Gwynnie is stuck alive, and presumably still a Stepford Doofus because of magic, only with no husband to be a Stepford Doofus toward. I wonder if this dangling plotline will ever be addressed. Who am I kidding? I know it won’t be . . .
Hook and King Arthur . . . Like Thelma and Louise, Only with More Facial Hair
Shortly thereafter, in the Underworld, Hook breaks the news to King Arthur that he’s dead, and that his wife has become a Stepford Doofus-y dangling plotline. “The good news is, if you help me stop Hades, you will probably get to go to Heaven, instead of Hell,” offers Hook.
“But if I’m a basically crap person who is only helping you, because I’m afraid to go to Hell, and not because it’s the right thing to do, doesn’t that mean I still kind of deserve to go to Hell?” King Arthur posits wisely.
“Meh,” Hook responds, shrugging his shoulders. “Cora got to go to Heaven, just for being nice to her reformed villain kids for all of five seconds. You are going to get at least five minutes of ‘being nice’ screen time! That’s going to make your getting into Heaven shoe in. Because, apparently, Heaven is like a really crappy college that’s on the verge of bankruptcy. It’ll take anybody!”
Hook explains to King Arthur that in order to help the folks in Storybrooke to murder Hades, they need to find the pages of the book that include the pictures of how to kill him. (And only pictures, because, remember, no one in Storybrooke can read.) “If I had something I didn’t want anyone to find, I’d hide it in the place no one would want to look,” explains King Arthur.
“Inside your toilet bowl?” Hook inquires wrinkling his nose.
“My throne,” King Arthur corrects.
“Same difference,” responds Hook, before digging inside Hades’ “throne” to find the pictoral instruction manual on how to murder him.
Hook and Arthur want to use the Underworld phone to “haunt” Emma with the information on how to kill Hades, but Cruella has taken it down. Fortunately, Hook has another bright idea. “I’ll find the Once Upon a Time picture book, and put the pages in there, which will make them automatically appear in Emma’s version of the book, because the Once Upon a Time picture book is apparently a metaphor for the internet, where everything you type appears instantaneously all over the world, even if you really, really don’t want it to do so.”
Unfortunately, the “Internet” is surrounded by a river of sperm (MORE METAPHORS!). And a couple of giant sperm men try to fondle King Arthur, while Hook is getting the Internet / Book. Fortunately, Hook saves King Arthur from being raped by sperm. Then, King Arthur, in turn, saves the book from suffering a similar spermy fate. See, King Arthur is nice guy today! He totally doesn’t deserve to go to Hell for turning an entire kingdom into Stepford Doofuses!
Then, the white lights appear, and Hook informs King Arthur they both can go to Heaven now. “Meh,” responds King Arthur. “I’d much prefer to be King of this sh*thole, because power is way more important to me than Salvation. Also, because this red camera lens filter does wonderful things to my skintone.”
So, Hook moves on alone. The question is to where?
Fractured Fairytale . . . Characters
Meanwhile, back in Storybrooke, no one can figure out how to kill Hades, because Hook hasn’t posted the pictures on the Internet/ Book yet. Emma just wants to go in guns blazing, but everyone else thinks that’s a bad idea, because she’s so “fragile” after Hook’s death. We know that Emma is “fragile,” because she’s wearing her hair in a ponytail and isn’t wearing makeup. (Apparently, this means that I am “fragile” right now, so you can’t trust anything that I type.)
Also at odds are Robin and Regina, because Regina thought it was totally cool to give Robin’s daughter to the Lord of the Underworld and the Wicked Witch of the West for safekeeping. “My sister is a good person now,” Regina insists. “Remember that time last week, when she gave me a hug and didn’t use it as an opportunity to stab me in the back with a knife? That means she’s a saint!”
When Regina and Robin confront Zelena about the Lord of the Underworld still being a douchenozzle, Zelena refuses to listen to reason, and then disappears in a cloud of green fart like a petulant child. So, Robin and Regina are forced to break into Regina’s old office and kidnap Robin’s child back for him.
Back at the office, Hades informs Zelena that he will protect their “family” from their enemies using something called “The Olympian Crystal,” which is supposedly an all powerful object, even though it looks like a vanilla ice pop that has been left in the sun too long.
How to Get Away with the Murder of a Greek god
Over at the library, Emma has gotten “the posting” from Hook on how to kill Hades. SURPRISE! It’s by using the same vanilla ice pop that Hades introduced minutes ago.
So, she goes to Regina’s office, and starts shooting her lighting fingers at it to break in.
At the same time, Regina and Robin are also breaking in to steal back Robin’s baby, but not before they kiss and make up from the whole “I gave your baby to the worst people on the planet” little snit they had moments ago. “You are my future,” says Robin to Regina, before sucking face with her outside her old office.
Uh Oh! In case you didn’t know, the line “You are my future” is the fairytale equivalent to “I’ll be right back,” and “I’m drunk and have big boobs. Please, take my virginity” in horror movies.
Say these lines, and you are pretty much etching your own tombstone.
Long story slightly less long: Hades finds Regina and Robin Hood taking back their baby, and Hades decides to use his vanilla ice pop to kill Regina. We know Hades is about to do this, because he announces it . . . very . . . slowly. This gives Robin Hood more than enough time to step in front of Regina and take the . . . ice pop for her.
Death by ice pop = better than Death by Giant Sperm, which means that Robin Hood won the murder the lottery this season. Good for you, Guy! Sorry about the whole “being dead” thing.
Zelena, who has been fighting outside with Emma, up to this point, enters the office in time to find her sister crouched crying over Regina’s lifeless body, and Hades, brandishing his ice pop. She puts two and two together and finally realizes, hey, maybe my boyfriend isn’t such a nice guy after all.
A skirmish ensues and Zelena ultimately ends up getting control of the ice pop. Now, she must make a decision, murder her sister or murder the douchenozzle who represents her only chance at ever getting laid again. Zelena ends up killing douchenozzle Hades, which is good for humanity, but possibly bad for her vajayjay. Hades turns into a puddle of ash on the floor, which is also not as bad as turning into giant sperm . . .
Then, she and Regina comfort one another over their mutual dead boyfriends.
Zeus is Super Scrawny and Why Theme-Funerals are the Best Funerals Ever
Back in not-Storybrooke, Hook finds himself in a place that seems like it might be Heaven, because its bathed in white light, and there is a very skinny boy there wearing a dress. I don’t know about you folks, but I always pictured Heaven as a place for cross-dressers. The skinny boy informs Hook that he’s Zeus, which is probably the most underwhelming news I’ve heard, since I learned that Froot Loops are all actually the same flavor, despite being different colors. (It’s true!)
Zeus is super thankful to Hook for helping to kill his brother, Hades and shows his gratitude by escorting Hook back to . . . guess. Is it?
c) the Peter Pan ride at Disney World
Speaking of Storybrooke, the whole gang gathers for Robin Hood’s funeral, and it’s themed! All the guests get a bow and arrow with a rose on it, and get to lay it on the coffin one by one. I love the idea of theme funeral! How fun . . . though, personally I probably would have gone with a 1920’s theme, or maybe Ancient Egyptian.
At the funeral, Zelena sweetly informs Regina that she will be naming her baby daughter after Robin, because unisex names are all the rage today. Also because it is customary for all the dead boyfriends on this show to get a baby named after them.
Speaking of Dead Boyfriends, Hook is back! He and Emma share a tearfully heartfelt reunion over Robin’s coffin, which is adorable, but kind of adds a bit of insult to injury for Regina, don’t you think? Then again, maybe it’s for the best. Naming a newborn baby Hook, pretty much guarantees she will grow up to be the serial killer from I Know What You Did Last Summer . . .
In Rumpel News . . .
Rumpel sort of had his own sideplot, this week, where he tried to get Belle’s dad to kiss his daughter, and wake her up from her self-imposed sleeping curse. But Belle’s dad said no, because he’d rather have his daughter and her unborn child spend all eternity in a coma, than have her live with a Bad Boyfriend. Perhaps, this is why the ladies on this show make all the major decisions. Storybrooke men are clearly morons.
At the end of the episode, Rumpel digs his finger into Hades’ ashes and brings up a piece of vanilla ice pop, which has not only traversed the innards of two dead boyfriends, it’s also been on the ground for more than five seconds. That means, you can’t eat it Rumpel!
The ice pop cometh!
Until next time, Oncers!
[Shameless self promotion alert: Do you like stories with snark? Romance? Friendship? Awkward sexual encounters? Vengeance? Drag queens? Puppies with two wheels for back legs? If so, please feel free to check out my new novel, Snarky Goes to Hollywood. It’s only a $1 on Kindle, Folks … the same amount of money you occasionally give homeless people on the street, when you can no longer avoid making eye contact with them .]