Dec 13, 2018
Once Upon a Time: Mother EFFER!
Just in time for Mother’s Day, Once has gone and delivered us an hour filled with mother/daughter reunions, mother/daughter reconciliations, mother/daughter bonding sessions, and a fire-breathing dragon who burns people’s faces off . . . You know, the usual . . .
After all, there’s nothing more universal than mothers. Everybody has one. Even if you were hatched out of an egg and thrown into a time portal with an extra infusion of someone else’s asshole inside of you.
So sit back, get comfy, and let’s review. Why? Because I said so! And I’m your mother . . . but not really . . .
Because Even Sociopathic Psycho Moms Enjoy Meddling in Their Daughters’ Love Lives
Back in Fairytale Land, Evil Queen Regina is super cranky. It’s the anniversary of her beloved stable boy’s murder by her mother. And to make matters worse, some jerks had the nerve to get married on her property. You know, because the whole kingdom is her property, basically, her being queen and all.
“Next time book the church,” the Evil Queen advises, after crushing the groom’s heart with her fingertips, stalking back to her coach, and driving away, leaving her father to hitch a ride home with the folks whose son she just murdered.
Every mother instinctively knows when her child needs her most, and Awful Cora is no exception. “You know what you need?” Cora offers. “A man . . . you know . . . to replace the other one . . . that I killed.”
You see, Cora knows all about Regina’s dalliance with Tinkerbell and the whole “your soulmate has a lion tattoo on his wrist” thing. And because even the worst mothers want nothing more than to see their little girls settled down with a nice hunk of man meat, Mama Cora puts on her matchmaking hat and sets herself on the case.
Because Tinder wasn’t invented yet, Cora decides to pimp out her daughter in the next best place . . . a bar. She quickly comes across the Sheriff of Nottingham, who, as we know from previous episodes, is obviously a total tool. But to Cora’s credit, he is also kind of hot . . . so hot, in fact, that if he never opened his mouth, he might actually turn out to be someone’s dream man.
Cora asks the Sheriff about the Man with the Lion Tattoo, and the latter admits that the guy is kind of a wuss who, like, has morals and stuff. Bo-ring!
“I may be closer to finding what I’m looking for than I thought,” Cora purrs seductively to the Sheriff, in a way that makes me wonder if she’s taken a break from matchmaking for her daughter and decided to try a little of her pimp gifts on herself.
Later that night, Cora zaps Regina into the poofiest, least Evil Queen-like dress I’ve ever seen and tells her she’s found Regina’s soulmate, the Man with the Lion Tattoo. “Mom, I never thought I would say this, but you rock!” Regina exclaims. “I totally forgive you for the whole ‘brutally murdering my boyfriend’ thing.”
Regina meets “the Man with the Lion Tattoo” except it’s the Sheriff of Nottingham with a faux sticker tattoo on his wrist. Having never seen the face of the Man with the Lion Tattoo, Regina is initially thrilled; after all, like I said, the Sheriff of Nottingham is hot. But then he has to go and open his mouth, and everything goes to crap.
“You are such a douchebag,” says Regina. “And I’m, by far, the coolest person on this show. There is no way that you can be my soulmate.”
“Ouch, does this mean I can’t f*ck your mother behind your back on our wedding night? Because, FYI, I totally would have done that.”
“I bet that isn’t even a real tattoo,” Regina argues.
“Why, because no two people can have the same tattoo?” Sheriff argues. “I mean, come on, a lion . . . kind of generic, don’t you think?”
Then Regina does this cool thing where she makes the Sheriff’s fake tattoo come to life, crawl up the Sheriff’s arm, and then proceed to chew it off. It’s awesome, like an evil tattoo pet!
“Hey, hey! Don’t get mad at me,” the Sheriff exclaims, as Lion Tatt chews into his pectorals. “It was your mom’s idea. She wanted to get you knocked up fast because, let’s face it, you aren’t getting any younger. I mean, I get that you are supposed to be playing like an 18-20 year old in this scene, but you aren’t fooling anybody.”
Regina responds by hanging the Sheriff by his ankles over the pits of hell. Way to mutilate the messenger, Regina.
Convinced that her mother was trying to get her preggers just so she could murder Regina and use her heir as her claim to the throne, Regina lashes out at her mother by drinking a potion so that she can never have children.
“Wow, overreact much?” Cora muses, when she finds out. “I didn’t want to kill you; I just wanted to get you knocked up because babies’ are awesome and your baby with that hot sheriff would be a totally sexy baby. And, yeah, I get that being married to a douchebag isn’t ideal, but we are magical, honey. We could have put a spell on him so he’d never be able to talk.”
“Oops,” replies Regina, clutching her now-forever barren belly.
“It turns out, your worst enemy is yourself,” Cora informs her bereft daughter. “Might I suggest getting a puppy?”
Meanwhile, back in Present Day . . .
Magic People Problems . . .
“WE WERE ON A BREAK,” Robin exclaims to Regina, as the pair drown their sorrows at a New York Bar.
“You have the attention span of a flea,” Regina argues. “I mean, you waited, what, a whole two minutes after leaving Storybrooke to bang your faux wife? Did you two do it in the car in front of your son?”
“Roland was taking a nap. He’s a very heavy sleeper,” Robin admits guiltily. “In fact, he’s been sleeping for the past two episodes, which is why no one has seen him. I’m pretty sure that when we return to Storybrooke, we are going to leave him in New York to reenact one of those Home Alone movies.”
Robin also notes that Roland is going to need some serious therapy when he learns that the woman pretending to be his mom for the past few months/year (Who the heck even understands the timeline on this show?) is actually the green-faced lady from the musical Wicked.
“Nah, we can give him a forgetting potion,” Regina offers. “Drugging our children is pretty much the way we handle all our parenting problems on this show.”
The gang takes about five minutes to return to Storybrooke because magic, and also because Emma speeds. Once there, Regina has Pregnant Zelena locked in a holding cell for safe keeping. And Emma reunites Lily with her mother Maleficent, but blows off her own mother to go drink rum by the water with Hook. I’m not really sure where Henry is during all this. Perhaps, drugged asleep like Roland and all the other characters under 25 on this show . . .
Meanwhile, Rumpel is dying, and his black heart looks like a big ole rotten plum, all because pesky Emma refused to embrace her inner asshole by killing Lily on last week’s show. Some people are just so inconsiderate! As it turns out, all the Author’s ink needs to become functional again is a heaping helping of Emma’s asshole. No Emma’s asshole, no Author writing happy endings for villains.
“I know you think I’m an asshole now. But just wait until the last ounce of good in me dies with Rumpelstiltskin and all that’s left is the Dark One. I’m going to be the biggest asshole this world has ever seen!” Rumpel explains.
“Not my problem,” replies Regina blithely, as she skips off on an Asshole Hunting Journey.
You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry An Asshole . . .
At Granny’s, Lily is pouting over the fact that over the last two episodes, Maleficent has converted from an awesome evil, black leather-wearing, insult-hurling goddess to a mild-mannered business lady in sensible suits who just wants to spend time with her daughter and who has no interest whatsoever in putting the smackdown on Snow and Charming.
“I want to go Emily Thorne on that ridiculously bad hairdoed skank’s ass, and you want to braid my hair and bake cookies?” Lily exclaims to her mother. “See ya! I’m going back to the crack den in Massachusetts where I used to live so I can make some more bad life choices in peace.”
Then, instead of stealing a car to leave town in a way that would be realistic for a character like this, Lily heads to a bus stop to wait for a bus out of town that will never arrive, because plot. Regina stops by the bus stop to remind Lily what a useless asshole she is, having been infused with all of Emma’s inner asshole, and also that she used to be Latina. Not that one thing has anything to do with the other, I just felt like bringing it up. Then, Regina stabs Lily, so she can offer up some of that Emma’s-Asshole-infused blood to the Author.
This makes Lily angry. And so, she reacts the way most of us do when we get angry, by turning into a fire-breathing dragon . . . (Don’t tell me you’ve never done it . . .)
“Come help me bring back my daughter, who is currently a fire-breathing dragon who wants you both dead,” Maleficent entreats the Charmings.
“Um, OK, sure,” the Charmings reply, because they are idiots with no sense of self-preservation whatsoever, and also because Snow has awful hair.
Maleficent sees her daughter as a dragon and couldn’t be more proud of her if she actually graduated college and did something worthwhile with her life that didn’t involve living in a crack den. “That’s my girl!” Maleficent exclaims, as the dragon attempts to burn off Snow’s face and her hideous hair.
Fortunately (or unfortunately, at least when it comes to the hair. That shit has got to go!), Emma arrives on the scene, still buzzed from her rum bender with her boyfriend, to heal Snow’s boo boos with her finger magic. “My boyfriend, Captain Hook, got me really drunk on rum and threatened to withhold sex from me if I didn’t forgive you by the end of the episode. So, I forgive you,” Emma says to Snow.
Then, she pukes all over her mother’s face, because she’s wasted. (Actually, she doesn’t, but it would be really funny if she did.)
Meanwhile, Maleficent is comforting a newly re-humanized, and still disoriented, Lily, by giving her a baby rattle, which is kind of weird, considering her daughter is like 30, but OK. “Hey, if you stick around, I’ll teach you how to be a better dragon, so the next time you try to blow off Snow’s face and burn off all her hair, you won’t miss.”
“Deal,” replies Lily. “Now, can we talk about that rumor going around that my dad is the donkey from Shrek?”
So, to summarize, Emma and Snow have reconciled. Lily and Maleficent have reconciled. Henry and Roland are drugged asleep, as they should be. Everyone is happy . . . well, almost everyone.
“Out of all my characters, you are always the one who seems to get screwed over the most.”
Regina presents the Author with his Emma Asshole ink, and he is thrilled. “I’d love to write for you. You are the coolest character on this show, and your life seems to suck the most.”
Regina then takes the Author to Zelena’s cell to write her and her creepy love child with Robin out of existence. “You are a killer of babies, just like your mother,” Zelena muses, in a last gasp attempt at staying on the show for a few more episodes.
It works. “I’m a killer of everybody, obviously, not just babies” explains Regina. “But I’m not going to kill you or your baby because I already have my happy ending with Robin Hood, Prince of Babes. And we are going to sue you for full custody of his child, even though, last I checked, there are no lawyers in Storybrooke.”
“You just set feminism back fifty years with that statement,” points out Zelena.
Bitch kind of has a point.
“Did I say my happy ending was being with Robin Hood, Prince of Babes?” Regina capitulates. “What I meant was that my happy ending is getting laid repeatedly by Robin Hood, Prince of Babes, and never having to worry about getting knocked up (though I might have to worry about an STD because of you, you dirty wicked wench) and also . . . um, Henry . . . and my career, and friendship with Emma, and feeling comfortable in my own skin, and all that stuff I’m supposed to say so I don’t sound like a housewife from the 1950s.”
Meanwhile, the Author is watching all this schmoopy moral goodness and, quite frankly, is bored to tears. “Later, losers,” he yells out as he rushes to Rumpel’s side to write HIS happy ending, in a book entitled . . . wait for it . . . “Heroes and Villains.”
Next week on Once, Snow White is a villain (but her hair is still awful), Rumpel is a knight, and Prince Charming is a goth. It’s Once Upon a Time on LSD, basically, or a nightmare Henry and Roland have after their parents give them too many drugs. See you then, Dearies!