Aug 14, 2017
Once Upon a Time: Merlin = Sexiest Tree Ever
This week on Once, we learned that, if you betray your family members and wave your hands around erratically, you too can transform a tree into a hot person! Speaking of learning, young Henry discovered that there is no place in the world that is darker than the dreaded Friend Zone. Also this week, Rumpel found inspiration in his dishware. Plus, the dreamcatcher industry got a ton of free advertising, courtesy of ABC.
Let’s review, shall we?
You Got Tree-d!
Once upon a time, there was a sexy sorcerer named Merlin, who cried on his sword about a lost girlfriend vanquished by the Dark One. So, the Dark One used that sword and that tear to turn him into a tree, because turning him into a vegetable seemed too “on the nose.”
Speaking of “on the nose,” Emma learns this piece of information about Merlin by staring into his dreamcatcher. Apparently, dreamcatchers not only catch your dreams, but also all that other crap rolling around your head at any given time. Pretty scary, right? Remind me to wrap my head in tinfoil next time I’m around one of these dreamcatchers, because that will totally protect my brain from their nosiness. Tinfoil keeps out everything!
Other things Emma learned from staring at her dreamcatcher: how King Arthur turned her parents into Stepford Doofuses!
Emma freezes her Stepford Doofus-ized parents right before they take the Dark One sword from Regina in order to relay these important pieces of information to the erstwhile Evil Queen.
Regina and Emma decide together that, since a tear over lost love was the ingredient that tree-d Merlin, a similar tear from someone else (mixed with some of Emma’s dark magic, naturally) will un-tree him!
“Hey, remember that time your mom murdered your boyfriend right in front of you? I bet that will make you cry!” Emma offers to Regina.
So, Emma and Regina relive the flashback from the episode during which Cora kills Regina’s first love Daniel, and, as it was designed to do, it makes Regina cry. But it also gives Emma some insight into Regina’s inner asshole. “Man, that sucked!” Emma exclaims sympathetically, as she puts the offending dreamcatcher back on the table. “No wonder you were such a raging bitch for the first two seasons of the show, before the writers decided to randomly make you into an overall nice person who’s just a little bit snarky sometimes.”
But alas, Regina’s tears aren’t enough to un-tree Hot Merlin. “I guess the brutal and traumatic death of a character that only appeared in two episodes isn’t sad enough,” Emma reasons. “Especially now that you have a new boyfriend. Because, on this show, only current love interests matter, and everyone else can go to hell . . . which, by the way, is probably where your boyfriend Daniel is, after he was turned into Frankenstein’s monster and killed all those people.”
“OK, so, whose love story is sad enough to untree Merlin?” Regina wonders.
“I’m thinking the rejection of a thirteen-year-old boy by a thirteen-year-old girl he met two days ago and thinks is kind of attractive,” Emma responds.
“Seriously? A tweenage crush gone sour? Did you forget that my mother MURDERED THE MAN I WAS GOING TO MARRY WHILE I WATCHED?” Regina asks incredulously.
“Yeah, but that was like a long time ago, and, like I said, you have a new boyfriend now, so suck it up and get over it, because this ridiculousness is needed for the plot,” Emma answers insistently.
Emma Gets Her Tear
When Henry’s new love interest’s father catches Henry pining over Violet in Camelot, he tells the poor kid, in no uncertain terms, that he disapproves of the courtship. “My daughter needs to marry a knight so he can die at a ridiculously young age on the battlefield and leave her to care for the twelve kids he and she dutifully popped out during the two years they managed to be married before his death. It’s the Medieval Dream! You, modern-day wimpy boy, who will probably live to a ripe old age and only impregnate my daughter 2 or 3 times tops, are simply not marriage material.”
“I want to learn to be a knight so I can die at a young age, after I marry Violet and turn her into a breeding mare,” Henry explains to his moms, Regina and Emma.
“You? A knight?” Emma and Regina snort simultaneously. “She won’t buy it. Better off putting out what works for you . . . like the fact that you live in a modern day world that actually has plumbing, so that your girlfriend will no longer be forced to poop in a chamber pot.”
Inspired, Henry, serves up a modern day date for Violet, complete with candlelight dinner, lasagna, soda, and that same damn song he plays every time he sees her. (Hey, Henry, it’s time to get yourself a Spotify account. They are free now!)
“You seem like a cool enough guy for me to use your bathroom every once in a while, but we are never gonna bone. Sorry!” Violet exclaims, before rushing away.
Henry is devastated by this rejection and rushes to his moms to cry about it. Apparently, these tweenage tears over an unceremonious friend-zoning are way sadder than Regina’s “my fiancé got his heart ripped out of his chest by my mother and died in a puddle at my feet” tears, because Emma uses them, along with some weird dance moves that remind me a bit of the Macarena, to successfully un-tree Merlin.
“Hello, my name is Merlin. And boy are my arms tired from holding them upward in tree pose for a million years. Also, I’m sexy. I’m too sexy for the tree I used to be. Any questions?” Merlin asks.
“Yeah, can you suck the asshole out of me?” Emma inquires hopefully.
“Do you really want the asshole sucked out of you?” Merlin responds.
And, although the answer would seem to be super obvious, it’s to be continued, because we have to check up on the present day portion of this story . . .
“I just wanna see you be brave.”
Merida is in the forest quickly tiring of un-Dark One’s acting like such a pussy while she continues to beat the crap out of him on Emma’s command. Merida, apparently, is unfamiliar with the story of Beauty and the Beast, because she is illiterate. Fortunately, none of the books in Storybrooke have words in them, only pictures. Merida finds a picture book with the story of Beauty and the Beast inside and decides to taunt Rumpel with Chip the cup . . . a metaphor for his relationship with Belle and also a really excellent receptacle for the Caramel Macchiatos from Starbucks that Rumpel enjoys so much. Seeing the cup causes Rumpel to fight back . . . poorly . . . but still . . . baby steps.
Dark Swan Emma is a terrible home decorator
Meanwhile, the Storybrooke gang, using Henry’s scarf as bait, gains access to Emma’s lair.
There, they (1) finally figure out that Rumpel is missing when they see the ropes previously used to bind him in Emma’s basement (You know, because people in a coma tend to be real world travelers, so the fact that he hasn’t been in his bed for three days didn’t arouse suspicion at all; (2) learn that Emma is holding the Excalibur sword and wants to do something naughty with it . . . like maybe shove it up the ass of an annoying character; and (3) discover Emma has a creepy living room filled with dreamcatchers, which she’s used to store all the memories she stole from the main cast members during their time in Camelot.
I smell a dreamcatcher binge-watching session coming on!
Henry May Get Laid After All . . . In a Few Years . . . After He Turns Eighteen . . . And It’s No Longer Disturbing to Imagine Him Doing This
When Stepford Doofus Guinevere notes that her Camelot folks are getting homesick for the place they were all brainwashed into believing was awesome by having a tiny vial of dust poured on their heads, Henry suggests throwing a dance party.
“You sly dog, you!” Captain Hook exclaims, slapping Henry in the ass, inappropriately. “I’ll teach you to be a womanizer before you are even old enough to shave.”
Dark Swan Emma is more helpful than Captain Hook in securing Henry’s stud status, arranging for the escape of Violet’s horse and its subsequent retrieval and return by Henry, a feat which gains Henry instant approval by both Violet and her dad. “You totally seem like a knight destined to die at a young age,” exclaims Violet’s father. “I hereby bequeath to you the key to my minor daughter’s chastity belt!”
I guess Dark Swan Emma isn’t so awful after all. Or is she?
While randomly viewing one of Emma’s dreamcatchers, Regina stumbles upon Violet’s memories from Camelot. As it turns out, Emma pulled out Violet’s heart and FORCED her to reject Henry so she could get the tear she needed to un-tree Merlin. Henry watches the dreamcatcher movie, too, and is super bummed to learn he could have already obtained the key to Violet’s chastity belt back in Camelot, as opposed to only just getting it now.
A furious Regina immediately confronts Emma about her betrayal and manipulation of their son and his new prepubescent girlfriend. “You are the worst, just like my mother,” Regina seethes.
“Ummm . . . not to be picky, but, again, your mother KILLED YOUR BOYFRIEND IN FRONT OF YOU and pretty much tried to murder the entire cast of this show. I gave a 13-year-old, very hormonal boy, a temporary case of the sads. Last I checked, these two things were not one in the same,” Emma insists.
“Yeah, but your evil eyebrows are weird!” Regina argues futilely.
“Did you forget the main point of this story: That Merlin’s alive, and yet, I’m somehow still a really huge asshole,” Emma reminds her good pal.
“Yeah, why is that?” Regina wonders out loud.
NOBODY KNOWS . . . YET. To be continued next week . . .
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