Jun 28, 2017
Once Upon a Time: Holding Hands While Doing The Wave and Other Tips to Fight Evil (S5:E2 RECAP)
This week on Once, we got to take a longer look at those lost weeks in Camelot, which transformed Emma from a Savior with Greasy Hair and a Slight Asshole Problem . . .
. . . . to the Biggest Asshole on the Planet with a Teensy Weensy Savior Complex.
Also this week on Once, Robin Hood proved that being good with a bow and arrow doesn’t necessarily translate to being good at . . . well . . . anything else.
As for the other men on Once, Henry learned that it’s easy to be a pimp when you and the girl of your dreams are the only two people on the show with speaking parts who are within ten years of your age.
And Dopey got to take the title of Second Most Important Dwarf on Once, by getting turned into a tree. DO you know how much oxygen those things produce? Let’s review, shall we?
Tree to Be You and Me
Over in Hangover: Storybrooke Edition, the newly amnesiac dwarves have decided to skip town, because it only has one place to eat, no fun activities to speak of (apart from battling CGI Villains of the Week), and no words in any of its books . . .
(At least the guys in the real Hangover movie got to hang out in Vegas with Mike Tyson and his pet tiger . . . UPGRADE!)
. . . also because they are really scared of Emma, who wears a bun, dresses in black, has weird eyebrows, and therefore, must be the Biggest Asshole on the Planet.
The dwarves want to know what sort of bad thing will happen to them this season when they leave town, so they bully their least valuable player, Dopey, into testing the waters and endangering his life for the rest of them. (Personally, I would have gone with Sneezy, who had already been turned into a stone garden gnome by Emma in last week’s episode and, therefore, really had nothing else to lose.)
At first, Dopey seems fine, but then he turns into a tree, which proves that Emma might be the Biggest Asshole on the Planet, but she’s also a huge conservationist. Last I checked, Storybrooke had seven dwarves, but only like three trees. And since trees are clearly more useful than dwarves, our “Dark One” was just evening the score a little bit, while also, possibly, trying to prevent Global Warming. Why should Emma be persecuted for this? Who knew Storybrooke was filled with so many Republicans?
Back in Camelot, our fairytale gang learn that another “evil” conservationist went and turned Wizard Merlin into a tree too. “So, if we turn the tree back into a wizard, maybe he can bang the asshole out of Emma,” Hook muses, excitedly. “Except, not in, like, a sexual way, because I’m the only asshole who should be banging stuff out of Emma in that way,” he adds nervously.
“Only the Savior can chop down this awesome tree and turn it into a boring wizard who isn’t even good enough at his job to prevent himself from being turned into an awesome tree,” King Arthur explains conversationally.
Emma is about to reveal herself as the Savior, until Regina puppet masters her with her sword and declares that SHE is the Savior.
“That’s cool,” King Arthur replies. “Let’s throw a party so you all have an excuse to get dressed up in period costumes and dance. Also, meet my wife Guinevere. She has a very thick foreign accent and no other definable personality traits.”
Then some hot dude comes and gives Regina an “I’m the Savior” purple necklace to wear to the ball, while stroking his Evil Mustache and Laughing Malevolently.
Regina, of course, suspects no ill will from this obviously-up-to-no-good guy, because she’s a Good Person now, and all Good People on this show are required to be frustratingly stupid when it comes to predicting the evil machinations of Not Good People.
To Love an Asshole Is to Be an Asshole, Just a Different Kind of Asshole
Back in Storybrooke, Asshole Emma and her Assholey Bunhead are helping us viewers to narrow the field of people who actually betrayed her in Camelot by being somewhat less of a dick to some characters on the show than others. For example, she’s still totally cool with her son Henry. She also propositions Hook to come back to her new crib and bang the sh*t out of her, because, as we’ve previously established, Hook’s spectacular prowess in the sack is one of the main reasons she’s kept him around this long in the first place.
Belle, being no stranger to the overwhelming desire to bang the sh*t out of major assholes, cautions Hook to try to think with the piece of meat between his ears, as opposed to the one between his legs.
But Hook is totally convinced that by sticking his tongue down Emma’s throat, he can lick the asshole right out of her, so he doesn’t listen to Belle.
Needless to say, it doesn’t work. But Hook somehow manages to keep it in his pants long enough to fend off Emma’s advances, thereby, leaving Hook, Emma, and all the TV Viewers with a major case of these . . .
The Fast and the Fury-us
In addition to turning characters with non-speaking roles and no relevance to the plot into useful, oxygen- producing trees, Emma’s curse also apparently involves bringing the cast of Camelot over to Storybrooke, which is really a bigger punishment for the Camelot folks than for anybody else on the show, because, as we’ve already established, Storybrooke is a lame place to vacation.
“Is that all you got? Trees, a bunch of medieval dudes, and a mild case of amnesia?” Regina challenges. “I’ve made poops with more malevolent intent than your Evil Curse.”
Then a big ole CGI creature that looks kind of like the Dementors from Harry Potter, and the Wraiths from Season 2 of this show, and the flying monkeys from Season 3, and the bad guy from Fantasia we saw last season, appears out of nowhere and takes Regina’s boyfriend away. Robin Hood just kind of hangs back and lets it happen, just like he let his girlfriend get body-snatched by a wicked witch last season, and then let that wicked witch fertilize herself with his seed, and then get kidnapped by that same wicked witch.
“It’s a dementor wraith thing from Fantasia flying monkey Fury,” explains Belle. “It’s kind of like the IRS, only instead of taking people’s homes when they don’t make proper payment, they take people’s people.”
“So, someone has to die in order for me to get my boyfriend back, because I may or may not have killed someone in Camelot. Kind of like those Final Destination movies, only the deaths here are nowhere near as fun and gory?” Regina muses.
“Yeah, that about sums it up,” responds Belle, as she goes back to lovingly stroking the petals of the wilted flower that currently stands in for comatose Rumpel’s weiner.
Grabbed by the Balls
Back in Camelot, Regina admits that she’s never been to a ball where she wasn’t trying to murder all the guests. So, Snow White and Prince Charming decide to give Regina her ’80s movie “Ugly Duckling Turns into Hot Girl Right Before Prom” moment by teaching her how to (1) wear a gown that doesn’t scream “I’m the Evil Queen,” and (2) dance at a ball with actual live guests, as opposed to fresh corpses.
It’s kind of sweet, actually . . . almost like Regina is the Forty-Year Old Prom Virgin.
Also sweet is the moment that Snow White talks to Emma about how proud she is to escort her to her first ball, like she had always imagined getting to do when Emma was a baby . . . you know, in those two minutes after she was born, but before she was shoved into a tree and abandoned until she was nearly 30.
No wonder Emma treats trees like family . . .
Elsewhere, Evil Guy is watching Regina from the viewpoint of her boobs, where he put that magic mirror necklace, and receives the 100% confirmation he’s been looking for that she’s the same Evil Queen who burned his town and killed his family.
At the ball, Henry hits on a girl named Violet by letting her listen to his iPod instead of the crappy medieval music they always play in Camelot, which kind of makes me want to go back in time and hit on hot knights by letting them borrow my iPhone. Then, I remember that medieval people basically never showered, and I let that fantasy die really quickly.
Then, Evil Guy tries to kill Regina for the whole “murder of his entire village” thing. (Some people just don’t know how to let go of a grudge, you know?) Prince Charming then stabs him in Regina’s defense, but not before Evil Guy gets his sword into Robin Hood, who, wait for it, just stands there like a dope and lets it happen . . . again.
I swear, this show is like the movie Groundhog Day sometimes . . .
Regina tries to save Robin Hood from bleeding out and dying, but realizes that, once again, her moderately assholey magic isn’t strong enough to do the trick. Regina needs Emma’s MAJOR ASSHOLE Magic to save her useless boyfriend.
“But if Emma does this, she will come one step closer to turning into the Biggest Asshole on the Planet,” Snow White whines.
“Says the woman who shoved me in a tree for nearly three decades,” responds Emma. “Screw it, I’m saving him. I’ll make out with Hook afterwards so he can suck the asshole out of me.” (Which, as we already know from earlier in the episode, won’t work).
Emma saves Useless Robin Hood for Regina and then sucks face with Hook, but, of course, when she finishes, she’s still just as much of an asshole as she was before, if not even more assholey.
In Which the Once Gang Cribs Notes from Guardians of the Galaxy to Defeat an Episodic Baddie . . .
Back in Storybrooke, the time has come for IRS Fury to collect on Robin Hood’s useless life. Regina gallantly offers hers instead. Then, about five other members of the cast decide to hold her hand and do the wave together, a la that scene at the end of Guardians of the Galaxy. This way, they all can offer up a piece of their lives to IRS Fury too, and no one has to die!
(Considering how worthless Robin Hood actually is, I’m thinking IRS Fury got the better end of the deal here.)
Robin Hood is saved! Regina is the SAVIOR after all . . . or at least one-fifth of one.
Back at Granny’s, Henry meets Violet again for the first/second time, and they bond over the same song they both listened to on the iPod in the earlier episode, only this time it’s playing on a jukebox.
Also, Regina un-garden gnomes Sneezy, because there is a rule on the show that the dwarves can only be one short of a full set at any given time.
Back at Asshole Emma’s house, her multiple personality disorder/non-comatose Rumpel tells her that if she can remove Excalibur from the stone that’s been conveniently relocated to her new basement and reunite it with her Dark One sword, she can not only be the Biggest Asshole on the Planet (she’s that already, after all) but the Biggest Asshole in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE!
It’s all very exciting . . . all this prospective assholeyness! Emma tries to tug on the sword but isn’t quite assholey enough to get it to budge . . . yet.
Better luck next episode, Emma!
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