Olympic Team Skating: It’s A Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s World
We’ve never complained before about the way NBC handles the Olympics, mostly because we haven’t attempted to watch them since we were 11, when we spent some quality time with our dad ogling Katerina Witt. (Dad also, for no discernible reason we can possibly think of, dropped everything once a week to watch “Wonder Woman” with us, as well as the profound Barbara Eden vehicle “Harper Valley PTA.”)
NBC can suck a dick.
But that is not really, or even at all, our point. Once we finally got to see some figure skating on Sunday, after NBC had treated us to very special episodes of House Hunters or something, along with some noontime paid programming, because WHO WOULD WANT TO SETTLE INTO THE COUCH AND WATCH OLYMPICS ALL DAY ON A SUNDAY, we fell completely in love with adorable moppet Jason Brown, the homely, gawky teen from Highland Park, Illinois. He was extravagant! He was rather fey! He was as graceful as a woman and adorably engaging! He couldn’t really do his jumps all that awesome, because he is a child! And we loved him! How could you not? Here, have some video of Jason Brown that is NOT FROM THE OLYMPICS, because why would they want you to be able to share video with others? (He is, however, wearing his same leprechaun shirt.)
After Brown came a young Canadian who was described one hundred and forty two times as “a jumper” who’s working on his artistry and getting better at it. He seemed nice too! And apparently is getting better at artistry, because there was definitely some (limited) feyness!
But then Evgeni Plushenko happened. (Thanks Russian television! Go fuck yourself NBC!)
Evgeni Plushenko is 92 years old. He is a goblin, and a nerd. We do not want to, say, have sex with him, even though we imagine he is probably good at it. All we could think was Jesus, what a fucking MAN. He is missing part of his SPINE, which has been replaced by a chunk of synthetic spine, which they were afraid might FALL OUT WHILE HE SKATED. Also groin surgery and like one million knee surgeries.
Playtime is over, children. Get stronger, and more bawse.