• Agonizer / Text / Floats Through The Air With The Greatest Of Ease

O Happy Day: Olympic Lady Ski Jumpers Finsh Competition With Uteri Intact

O Happy Day: Olympic Lady Ski Jumpers Finsh Competition With Uteri Intact

In between wishing that the NBC subchannels had lined up a bit more variety in advertising — we have literally seen promos for “Shark Tank” 100 times — we have actually managed to see some Olympics! Yesterday was big doings in ladyville, what with the very first ever women’s ski jumping going off in Sochi. A 22-year old German lady cop, Carina Vogt, took the gold, probably because she is a lady cop and maybe just threatened to shoot everyone else. We kid, we kid. Please don’t shoot us, Carina Vogt.

Why are we talking at you about this particular sporting event, when you know that mostly we are just watching to see what people wear and the like? Because wimmens were not allowed to jump for many many years, in no small part because of a fear that their uterus would fall out.

In the first Winter Olympics of 1924, every discipline was restricted to men. And even as women’s sports were added, women’s jumping was…not.

The medical consensus may have shifted away from the wandering womb since then, but the underlying objection has remained the same: Biology presents an insuperable handicap. “Don’t forget, it’s like jumping down from, let’s say, about two meters on the ground about a thousand times a year, which seems not to be appropriate for ladies from a medical point of view,” said the head of the International Ski Federation (FIS), Gian Franco Kasper, in 2005. (He later retracted the statement).

The uterus falling out thing is one of those things we heard about over the last couple years, but always figured it was some old wives tale from the 1800s, not a thing that was cockblocking women from participating in the Olympics into the 21st century. We are pleased to report that no uteri came flying out of any jumping women today, because that would be awkward at best, bloody at worst.

Also, too, the silver medalist, Austrian Daniela Iraschko-Stolz, is a married homosexxican.

“I’m married to a woman. It’s a good statement, especially in Russia, to show that people can live together,” Iraschko-Stolz said at a press conference following her win.

Congrats, lady ski jumpers on being gay and not losing your reproductive organs! It is a great time to be a woman.


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  • docterry6973

    No ones uterus fell out YET.

  • beautifulmutant


  • Enfant Terrible

    What? No stories about Eastern Bloc wimmen athletes having abortions to boost performance?

    • DrShitferbrains

      If you blend the fetus into a fine cream it makes for an excellent stem cell enema.

  • Yawapi

    All I want to know is where can I find a plush uterus like the one in the photo because awesome!

  • DrShitferbrains

    Well, if I know one thing about wombs, its that I clawed my way out of one. If I know two things, its that I only know one thing.