Oh Mylanta, this was Bad! – A Recap of The Unauthorized Full House Story
The year was 1987. Ronald Reagan was president. The stock market was low. Ponytails were high. And two comedians and a soap opera stud were out in LA, pounding the proverbial pavement, just trying to catch a break . . .
Meet Bob Saget.
He’s a “dirty” comedian that tackles “adult” humor. We know this because when we first meet him, he’s making a joke about tampons. TAMPONS . . . a word that makes all women under the age of 13 cower in fear.
After a standup show, Bob commiserates with his pal, Dave Coulier, about the state of comedy during the 80s. He has no clue why all his friends (Roseanne Barr! Tim Allen! Oscar the Grouch!) are getting TV jobs and he’s still out of work. Don’t people care about tampons, anymore?
“I can’t get work either,” offers up Dave, in an effort to cheer up his Sad Menstrual Cycling Jokester of a pal.
“Yeah, but that’s because your idea of funny is making cartoon voices and loud smelly farts all the time in public,” Bob muses. “That’s not comedy. That’s a commercial for Gas X.”
“You know, you are kind of a dick,” pouts Dave Coulier.
“Yeah, if this Unauthorized Story is at all true, I’m pretty much the biggest dick ever,” muses Bob Saget. “Like, there are absolutely no redeeming aspects to my personality. It’s a wonder I made it this far in life without being brutally murdered.”
(Note: The folks at HNTP are sure that Bob Saget is a swell gentleman, in real life. He just happens to be portrayed as a heinous douchebag on Lifetime. In other words, please don’t sue us, Bob Saget.)
“Hi, my name is Jon Stamos, and women find me attractive,” pipes in John Stamos (who is played by one of Miley Cyrus’ old boyfriend’s naturally), positively out of nowhere. “You know this because in every scene in which I appear, three random pretty women with no lines, or conceivable brain cells, have their mouths attached to my man nipples.”
Back in the executive offices, some suits are pitching an idea for this great sitcom, featuring three comedians who live in a bachelor pad and get laid all the time. But nobody likes the idea, so they decide to make Full House instead . . .
Did you know that when the pilot for Full House was first shot, the role of Danny Tanner was originally played by John Posey, otherwise known as the real life dad of Tyler Posey, a.k.a. Scott McCall from MTV’s Teen Wolf?
Well, now you do . . . Coincidentally, this was actually the only fact I learned from this movie. That and about how much Dave Coulier likes to fart . . .
Fortunately, Tampon King Bob Saget got fired from his gig working for a morning show just in time to steal Posey’s job right out from under him!
On set, animosity arose between John Stamos and the Olsen twins . . . partly because the Olsens were literally babies and cried all the time, and partly because Stamos wasn’t used to engaging in conversations with women who didn’t immediately want to jump his bones upon seeing him for the first time. “I’m done working with these little brats,” fumed Stamos. “It’s either them or me!”
The executives looked at the Olsen Twins, who pooped out millions of dollars in cash every time they went to the bathroom and spit up gold bullions twice a day into their Gerber baby food. Then, they looked at John, who occasionally earned them endorsements for cheap hair gel and old Beach Boys albums, and pointed the stud toward the door.
“Haha, did I say, I wanted to quit? I was just kidding!” Stamos exclaimed nervously. “And you thought Bob and Dave were the only ones with senses of humor around here. Ha!”
“I’m sad because the tabloids are saying that I’m chubby,” admits Candace Cameron to John Stamos. “My wackjob of a brother, Kirk Cameron, who you might remember from Growing Pains, says that if I become a religious nutbar who inflicts my beliefs on everybody with whom I come into contact and make the occasional TV movie in which all nonbelievers burn in hell for eternity, these sort of things won’t bother me anymore. What do you think, John?”
“Do you find me attractive? Like, seriously, would you sleep with me, if you had the opportunity?” John asks earnestly, clearly not at all listening to a word his costar is saying.
“I’m like thirteen,” Candace responds.
“Damn you, Candace. Those evil Olsen twins have poisoned you against me! I knew they would! I’m going to go get Jodie Sweetin before they poison her too!” Stamos huffs, as he dashes off to find Jodie.
“She’s only eight!” Candace calls after John with a shrug.
This is the point of the movie where a bunch of bad things happen. Like Dave Coulier’s sister dies. And Bob Saget’s sister dies. And every actor on the show who happens to be married gets divorced within two days of one another. It’s honestly kind of a downer.
“Don’t you all wish real life was like Full House, and every problem could be solved in a half hour by elevator music and a cheesy speech by Danny Tanner that, for some inexplicable reason, always seems to include a not very funny joke about Lysol?” Dave posits to his actor pals.
The cast pauses a minute to ponder this surprisingly insightful interruption of clever meta into this insipid Lifetime movie. Then Dave issues a loud smelly fart and runs away laughing, thus blowing away into a methane ether any chance this movie had of being slightly better than really ridiculously awful.
Fast forward about eight seasons, and the cast learns the terrible news that Full House is finally canceled. Everybody is sad . . . except for the Olsen Twins, who, by this point, are taking showers using soap made from million dollar bills . . . and John Stamos, who is marrying a super model . . . and Candace Cameron, who is marrying a hockey player . . . and Dave Coulier, who is marrying his farts . . . and Bob Saget, who hates everybody anyway. Basically, only Jodie Sweetin is sad.
But, because Lifetime doesn’t want to end the movie on a slit-your-wrist depressing note, we follow up news of the series’ cancellation with a few happy scenes from Candace Cameron’s wedding and an uncharacteristically uplifting speech from Mr. Grumpy Tampon himself, Bob Saget, about the “true meaning of family togetherness.” Fortunately, the film fades to black just seconds before Kirk Cameron comes to proselytize everyone,and tell them how much God hates them . . .