Both Christians And Muslims Hate ‘Noah’ So You Atheists Have To Watch It Now

Both Christians And Muslims Hate 'Noah' So You Atheists Have To Watch It Now

Epic bible-banger Titanic crossover thrill ride Noah hasn’t come out yet, but it’s already had a hard road. First the Christians grumbled about how they hadn’t seen it but knew it would get two thumbs down from Jesus. Now here come some Islamists to top that and issue a fatwa against the movie.

The fatwa – a ruling or injunction under the laws of Islam – was made by the influential Al-Azhar institution in Egypt’s capital Cairo, a centre of Sunni Islam thought which was founded in around AD970 and includes a university and a mosque.

‘Al-Azhar… renews its objection to any act depicting the messengers and prophets of God and the companions of the Prophet (Mohammad), peace be upon him,’ it announced in a statement.

The fatwa added that the depictions ‘provoke the feelings of believers… and are forbidden in Islam and a clear violation of Islamic law’.

Do not provoke the feelings of believers! Do not taunt believers! Believers who are pregnant or over the age of 75 may be especially susceptible to side effects of Noah.

So they are not down with the depictions of Noah in the film, correct? Maybe because Noah is going to look like this, which we aren’t cool with either not because our skygod told us not to be, but because it looks ridiculous.

Oh wait no. That’s not it. There’s no depiction of Noah that would be cool.

Islam forbids representing holy figures in art, instead using conceptual line patterns and lettering to adorn the walls of mosques.

Man, think how much better Russell Crowe movies would be if they just starred line drawings and some stencils?

Meanwhile, the Christians are STILL yammering on about this and even managed to get Paramount to issue a statement that this made up movie based on their made up book may not be a faithful rendering of the book made-up-ness.

Jerry A. Johnson, president of a conservative National Religious Broadcasters (NRB) group, said last month he wanted to ‘make sure everyone who sees this impactful film knows this is an imaginative interpretation of Scripture, and not literal.’

Paramount responded by agreeing to issue a disclaimer on advertising for the film.

‘While artistic license has been taken, we believe that this film is true to the essence, values and integrity of a story that is a cornerstone of faith for millions of people worldwide,’ it reads.

Do you think Christians now have to start liking this movie if Islam hates it? Can the film survive if not one but two sets of zealots are refusing to partake? Who else is dying to see this movie but skygod people? Liberal atheists, you’re going to have to carry the load and see this movie in droves now. Sorry. That’s just the way it is.

[Daily Mail]

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  • Serolf Divad

    “Do you think Christians now have to start liking this movie if Islam hates it?”Do bears poop in the woods? I mean seriously, the only thing Christianists hate more than Godless Hollywood is Allahful Islam. This thing just went from “Why does Hollywood hate Christians” to “Every Good Christian must see this film!”

  • Farb

    I’m surprised they don’t issue an ex post facto fatwa against Noah for making a boat without knowing Arabic or having a suite in Dubai.

  • Respiteini

    I guess Liberal Christians, maybe? But most of them are more Eat, Pray, Love types than this. And the Liberation Theology types have no money, and if they did, they’d spend it on stuff way more important than this crap. So I’m guessing – shit. I don’t know. Who made this pile of crap, anyway?Also, good lord this looks dreadful.

    • Annie Towne

      As it were.

  • borninatrailer

    “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?”No, at least not intentionally.

  • BMW

    “I’m glad you like a book. I really am…But just because you like something in a book doesn’t mean you can have the thing you like in the book happen in real life! That’s what crazy people want!”-Patton Oswalt

  • Ellis_Weiner

    “Wait–snakes too? Fuck that shit, husband. Ark schmark.”

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    SPOILER ALERT:Ham’s a dick.

    • willi0000000

      worse!Ham’s a dark.

    • chapka

      Will there be “Team Ham” and “Team Shem” T-shirts?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if Noah brought every breed of dog on the ark, from the Chihuahua to the Great Dane. I guess those breeds had different names then, since neither the state of Chihuahua nor the country of Denmark existed as political entities at that time.

    • gmart

      I always wondered about polar bears, kangaroos, wombats, komodo dragons, Galapagos tortoises, bison, llamas, Santa’s reindeer, and other creatures in far off lands that no one in the Middle East knew about. How did Noah get them all back home?

      • Annie Towne

        He gave them all cab fare.

      • Newtsundies

        I actually heard about this on an episode of The Atheist Experience the other day. Apparently a volcano launched them back to their lands. The Atheist Experience is a pretty serious show I guess they weren’t joking?

      • Athirson

        All without a rudder, a compass, and that latitude-longitude thingy

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    • Joseph

      They, however, are silent on sideboob.

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  • JParkerSD46

    If Islam only allows conceptual line patterns and lettering to depict Biblical figures, this has to be great news for all the unemployed actors in Flatland. Hooray for Paramount for opening up job opportunities!

  • Ambignostic

    Let’s give FOX network some trolling credit: last night during Cosmos, they ran an ad for Noah immediately after the section depicting the Church burning Giordano Bruno at the stake for heresy.

  • Private Joker

    Has anyone asked the Jews what they think?

    • andreamd

      I will speak for all my people- it looks like a crappy movie. Please quote me

  • James Donnaught

    Wow . . . that O.T. (Old Timey) God looks totally different from what I imagined.

  • Y’know, the Muslims also consider Jesus to be a Prophet. Ergo, any film depicting Jesus should also get the fatwa treatment. How come we don’t hear anything about that?

  • NoNotThatOne

    “I’ve had it with these muthafuckin’ snakes on this muthafuckin’ ark.”As only two (or seven, depending on which account you read) of each animal got tickets to board the Grunge Boat, I wonder if there was a lottery or perhaps an animal version of Thunderdome to decide the lucky critters.

    • hellslittlestangel

      That’s my motherfucking joke, dammit!

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  • Adam Griffith

    How is it that the ark is the only ship in the entire world? That was really bad planning on the part of the wicked.

    • Athirson

      And, how did it sail to the North Pole to pick up the polar bears, to the South Pole to pick up the penguins,, to Australia to pick up the kangaroos and koalas, all without a compass, a rudder, or any means of propulsion? The mind indeed does reel at such poor planning. You would think skygod could at least tell a better story