Oct 9, 2020
New Nickelodeon channel wants you to time travel back to the ’90s and give your past self a wedgie
Are you a child of the ’90s?
Did you give birth to a child in the ’90s?
Were you a child of the ’90s who also gave birth to a child in the ’90s, because you were a shockingly early bloomer and it’s a rather dark time in your life about which you’d prefer not to speak?
If you’ve answered yes to any or all of these questions then this SPLAT is for you!
Don’t let the worst name for a television channel in the History of Names for Television Channels fool you! Rest assured, The Splat! is going to be all kinds of The Awesome! (See what I did there?)
“So what is The Splat?” you ask. Well, apparently, Nickelodeon has decided to cash in on your nostalgia for that relatively short period of time during which the name “Nick” was synonymous with “that cool TV channel with shows made just for kids like me,” as opposed to “that guy I dated freshman year of high school who initially seemed like a great dude but actually ended up being kind of a turd,” by bringing it all back to your small screen!
What shows can you expect to find on The Splat?
Well, for starters, you can watch That One with the Guy Who Was in Love with a Highly Fattening Condiment . . .
. . . and the chubby guy from SNL and his friend, who both really love orange soda . . .
. . . also, The One with Ben Stiller’s Hot Wife . . .
. . . and The One Starring the Guy with the Weird-Shaped Head . . . (They always said it looked like a football, but to me, it always seemed more rotten potato-esque?)
Courtesy, of The Splat, you can also enjoy The One with The Babies That Resemble Scary Old People Like The Ones from M. Night Shyamalan’s The Visit . . .
. . . also the one that starred Amanda Bynes before she became that girl who tried to burn down her apartment with her bong, sometimes strips during spin classes at the local Equinox, and called a lot of mildly to moderately famous people ugly on Twitter.
Don’t forget the oddly environmentally conscious show about the girl who occasionally turned into a puddle of toxic waste . . .
. . . or That Kind of Boring Dancing One . . .
. . . or the one that now kind of reminds you of Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, only less risqué and with much less recognizable/talented actors . . .
. . . and, finally, there’s that one where Clarissa says she’s going to explain it all, but never really explains anything much, except how annoying her ginger-headed brother can be and how exactly she manages to keep her relationship with studly pal Sam platonic, despite the fact that he climbs into her bedroom window every episode, clearly looking for love . . .
For more information about The Splat, you can check out the station’s website.
Just kidding! The website doesn’t actually give you any information about the channel whatsoever. But it does have a really attractive picture of a large orange blob for you to view at your leisure. So, there’s that . . .
(Actually, the orange blob pictured above is more exciting than the real blob on the website, because it attempts to entice you with fun phrases and subtle mind control, while the one on the site just kind of sits there . . . being blobby.)
Be sure to check back in with the site next week to see if there are any exciting new developments . . . like the blob changes from orange to green or something.
Until then, feel free to keep watching your favorite ’90s Nick reruns on YouTube, like you were doing before . . . without commercials or the lousy episodes/shows you never really cared for in the first place. (See Roundhouse above.)
And stay tuned, millennials! Because your childhood is about to make a very big comeback.
Too bad the same can’t be said for your youth, your flawless skin, and your virginity . . .