The New Batman Adventures “Critters” (part 2 of 2)

Fade to a farm that I have a hard time believing is anywhere near Gotham. At least, not near enough to make this guy’s plans for revenge feasible. Although, given that Gotham tends to be modeled on New York, this could simply be upstate.

Farmer Brown is sitting on his porch, carving a bull out of wood. Not the choice I’d make if I wanted to show how menacing my villain is, but then again, I probably wouldn’t write something this goofy. Unless the price was right, of course.

He finishes his work and holds it up to reveal a two headed bull, sort of a push-me-pull-you with horns. And I shudder to think of the bathroom habits of this particular creature.

Emmylou appears with a huge bag of feed on her shoulder, which must weigh a ton. I have to say that I am appalled at this blatant use of human growth hormone in the cartoon world. She goes off to feed the chickens, as Brown enters his house, which proves to be a high tech elevator leading to the ceiling. Wait a second, the ceiling? Yes, it appears the entire farm locale is an interior. I feel like I’m watching an episode of Mister T, only there’s no giant man screaming at me to stay in drugs and not to do milk.

The New Batman Adventures "Critters" (part 2 of 2)

Emmylou spreads out feed for the birds, which turn out to be mutated demon chickens that look like vultures possessed by Satan. Surprisingly enough, I don’t think they’re much different from regular chickens, behavior-wise. Ever try to pick up one of those little suckers? They freak out, especially if the salad tongs are too cold.

Caption contributed by Ed

“Polly wants to eat your eyeballs out and shit in the empty sockets!”

Brown gets to his lair, which overlooks Gotham (knew it had to be upstate). He looks at his watch, utters, “Okey dokey,” and next thing you know, we see a giant pink bull in the streets of Gotham. It’s accompanied by a giant demonic cow (not the one from before—this one actually looks like a cow) and they proceed to cause chaos and panic. As one might imagine.

The New Batman Adventures "Critters" (part 2 of 2)

Batgirl and Robin drive up in the Batmobile, and are understandably shocked by the sight. Robin yells, “Holy cow!” and after Batgirl comments on that, we cut to a police blimp (now that’s traveling in style!) that gets attacked by the demon chickens.

Jesus, I think I’m losing brain cells watching this. Ah screw it, it’s fun!

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Ed Harris

A fan of less than great cinema since childhood, Ed divides his time between writing scripts, working an actual paying job and subjecting himself willingly to some of the worst films society has produced.

Multi-Part Article: The New Batman Adventures "Critters"
TV Show: The New Batman Adventures

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