Never Too Young to Die (1986) (part 6 of 10)

Danja chews Lance out for almost getting himself killed about four or five times by now. (Remind me again why Lance is the hero of this movie?) Danja then recalls a promise she made to Lance’s father to keep Lance safe. She made this promise because, according to her, “Your daddy was much more than just a partner to me. What he did for me and my family was much more than any human being could possibly expect from anybody!” I don’t know what the heck that means, but it sure sounds impressive.

Never Too Young to Die (1986) (part 6 of 10)

“Spike? Who’s Spike?”

Meanwhile, up the road a bit, a Mad Max type is pulling a big accordion-style spike strip across the road. Apparently, Danja is extremely nearsighted, because she doesn’t see these six-inch spikes sticking up from the road and runs right over them. Her car, now with multiple flats, swerves into a ditch and Ragnar’s goons descend upon them from all directions. (One of them, quite humorously, is wearing a Viking helmet.) Danja starts blasting away at a few of them, firing quite an impressive number of shots for a gun that clearly only holds six bullets. Just then, Poofy Hair Guy comes along swinging a chain, which he uses to take away her gun and knock her to the pavement. The goons then load her into a dune buggy driven by a guy in half a Darth Vader helmet. Lance tries to come to her rescue, but is quickly knocked unconscious.

Never Too Young to Die (1986) (part 6 of 10)

“The Vikings? I’m more a Niners fan, to tell you truth.”

We cut to Lance’s farm house. Lance is lying on his back in the middle of the foyer, still out cold. (Well, it sure was nice of those goons to drive him home after beating him into submission.) He swiftly comes to, sitting straight up and yelling “Danja!” Seeing where he is, he massages the back of his head, and stumbles over to the kitchen sink. As soon as he turns on the water, someone appears behind him and slams his head into the sink. We pull back to find two goons in Lance’s kitchen. One has Lance in a choke hold, while the other one is standing in front of the refrigerator eating cherry tomatoes [?]. The first goon demands the disk, then pounds Lance’s face some more into the dirty dishes in the sink and repeatedly scrapes his face over the shards. Given the severity of this beating, we’d expect about half of Lance’s face to be ripped off by now. Instead, when he’s lifted out, we see that all he’s got is a wound on his forehead that’s slightly larger than a papercut.

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Multi-Part Article: Never Too Young to Die (1986)

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