Apr 23, 2020
Never Too Young to Die (1986) (part 1 of 10)
The Cast of Characters (in order of appearance):
Velvet von Ragnar (Gene Simmons; KISS actually had to cancel a leg of their Animalize tour so that he could do this movie) is the villain of this film and a supposed hermaphrodite (I think “transexual” is closer to what they were going for). He/she has plans to poison the water supply. (We know this because Ragnar screams “I’m gonna poison the water supply!” about thirty seconds into the movie.)
Lance Stargrove (John Stamos, in a career funk between getting fired from General Hospital and getting a gig as Uncle Jesse on Full House) is the son of “master spy” Drew Stargrove (see below) and the implied hero of this film. Lance is an athlete on his college gymnastics team, and specializes in trampoline jumping [!] and taking advantage of his friends.
Cliff (Peter Kwong, somewhere between slight obscurity and total obsurity) is Lance’s Wacky Asian Sidekick™, and, as such, is very good with computers and all other forms of technology. Even though the filmmmakers would probably deny it, there’s a steady stream of homoerotic subtext in this movie implying that Cliff is deeply in love with Lance.
Drew Stargrove (George Lazenby, who’s famous for playing James Bond only once) is Lance’s dad. Drew is supposed to be a “master spy”, but the evidence on display would suggest otherwise.
Danja Deering (Vanity, somewhere between getting fired from Purple Rain and the inevitable appearance on VH1’s Where Are They Now?) is partner (or something) to Lance’s dad, and will eventually team up with Lance to take on Ragnar. Danja specializes in withstanding extremely high temperatures, and getting naked at inappropriate moments.
Riley (Robert Englund, skirting the fringes of oblivion between getting fired from V and playing Freddy Krueger) is Ragnar’s assistant (or something). We don’t learn too much about Riley because he only says about three lines in the whole movie. We do, however, get a good sampling of his affinity for Cowboy Chic.