• Agonizer / Text / Tomatoes Are The Only Heirloom That Matters

You Do Not Need A Heritage Apron

Repeat after me. You do not need a heritage apron. In fact, your life is probably greatly bettered by not knowing what on earth a heritage apron might be.

The heritage apron is the perfect example of everything that is wrong in the world of “artisan” everything. In case you don’t know, a heritage apron is made of expensive fabric for no good reason and the cost should definitely exceed $100.


That thing costs $128, because the denim is special. You will hand it down to your children, because your children do not want your money, they want your apron. Are there competing brands of heritage aprons? Haha of course there are:

You Do Not Need A Heritage Apron

This one is $145, in case you were considering running out and getting one.


I have no idea what one does in a giant denim apron in the first place. Are you working as a shop mechanic in the 1940s? You are probably not so you do not need this thing. Are you cooking in this thing? That is dumb as well because your stiff raw denim will not take kindly to food stains. Listen. Work aprons date back to a time when it was considered inappropriate to wear scrubby clothes to do a job that might get you dirty. Now, we just wear our work clothes if we want to get our grubby on. If you really want to be the kind of person that rocks an expensive apron over your expensive bullshit heritage lumberjack clothes, have at it, but you likely have more money than sense. Buy a kitchen apron for inside and wear a fucking pair of torn jeans and a stained t-shirt to work on your vintage car or whatever thing you do when you pretend to be a craftsman.

Do you live in the forest and chop your own wood to heat your house? Is it the 1860s where you live? If you answered “no” to these things, you do not need a $350 axe.


There are a number of other heritage heirloom artisan objects I promise you do not need. Do you need dice made out of titanium that cost $50?


Are you trying to keep your dice lightweight because you carry them everywhere? Are you afraid your regular old dice will wear down too quickly? No and no and NO NO NO.

Also, too, you do not need a $200+ stapler. No, really, you don’t. Even if you are trying to create the most handsomest desk ever, a triple-digit-cost stapler just says “I am a douche. Look at my stapler.”


You are not going to pass on your stapler. You are not even going to keep track of your stapler for longer than a year or two, because staplers are like scissors and they migrate both around and out of your house. Do you really want to keep track of a $200 stapler? No you do not.

You also do not want to keep track of your skull-crushingly expensive $120 for a three-pack t-shirts because they are t-shirts, for crying out loud:


Now, you probably need an apron, and an axe, and a pair of dice, and a stapler, and some t-shirts. These are not rarities in the modern household. Some artisan items, however, are things you do not need ever anymore ever because there is literally no longer any use for them. Witness the steel-forged handmade dinner bell:


You do not live anywhere where you must communicate via bell to call people in for dinner. Either people are standing in the same room as you, or you will yell upstairs, or you will call them on a cell phone. You will not ring a dinner bell to call your ranch hands from far and wide so that they might sup at your table. Knock. It. Off.


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