• Agonizer / Text / Tomatoes Are The Only Heirloom That Matters

You Do Not Need A Heritage Apron

Repeat after me. You do not need a heritage apron. In fact, your life is probably greatly bettered by not knowing what on earth a heritage apron might be.

The heritage apron is the perfect example of everything that is wrong in the world of “artisan” everything. In case you don’t know, a heritage apron is made of expensive fabric for no good reason and the cost should definitely exceed $100.


That thing costs $128, because the denim is special. You will hand it down to your children, because your children do not want your money, they want your apron. Are there competing brands of heritage aprons? Haha of course there are:

You Do Not Need A Heritage Apron

This one is $145, in case you were considering running out and getting one.

I have no idea what one does in a giant denim apron in the first place. Are you working as a shop mechanic in the 1940s? You are probably not so you do not need this thing. Are you cooking in this thing? That is dumb as well because your stiff raw denim will not take kindly to food stains. Listen. Work aprons date back to a time when it was considered inappropriate to wear scrubby clothes to do a job that might get you dirty. Now, we just wear our work clothes if we want to get our grubby on. If you really want to be the kind of person that rocks an expensive apron over your expensive bullshit heritage lumberjack clothes, have at it, but you likely have more money than sense. Buy a kitchen apron for inside and wear a fucking pair of torn jeans and a stained t-shirt to work on your vintage car or whatever thing you do when you pretend to be a craftsman.

Do you live in the forest and chop your own wood to heat your house? Is it the 1860s where you live? If you answered “no” to these things, you do not need a $350 axe.


There are a number of other heritage heirloom artisan objects I promise you do not need. Do you need dice made out of titanium that cost $50?


Are you trying to keep your dice lightweight because you carry them everywhere? Are you afraid your regular old dice will wear down too quickly? No and no and NO NO NO.

Also, too, you do not need a $200+ stapler. No, really, you don’t. Even if you are trying to create the most handsomest desk ever, a triple-digit-cost stapler just says “I am a douche. Look at my stapler.”


You are not going to pass on your stapler. You are not even going to keep track of your stapler for longer than a year or two, because staplers are like scissors and they migrate both around and out of your house. Do you really want to keep track of a $200 stapler? No you do not.

You also do not want to keep track of your skull-crushingly expensive $120 for a three-pack t-shirts because they are t-shirts, for crying out loud:


Now, you probably need an apron, and an axe, and a pair of dice, and a stapler, and some t-shirts. These are not rarities in the modern household. Some artisan items, however, are things you do not need ever anymore ever because there is literally no longer any use for them. Witness the steel-forged handmade dinner bell:


You do not live anywhere where you must communicate via bell to call people in for dinner. Either people are standing in the same room as you, or you will yell upstairs, or you will call them on a cell phone. You will not ring a dinner bell to call your ranch hands from far and wide so that they might sup at your table. Knock. It. Off.

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  • x111e7thst

    I do cut wood because fireplace=sexytime. I use a chainsaw and a gas engine powered wood-splitter because I am not a retard

  • SullivanSt

    Fools and their munniez…

  • SullivanSt

    For $200 I’d expect the stapler to write the assignment for me, print it out and bind it.

  • Pandora Maltese

    the one with the most useless items on which the most money was spent doesn’t win? some people are going to be really disappointed.

  • la bibliotequetress

    Actually, I’m excited about the link to the Apron Warehouse. I did not know that the Apron Warehouse existed. I need the Apron Warehouse as I am a messy cook. Thanks, Happy Nice Time People for being educational as well as insulting to hipsters!

    • WA Bishop

      Take a trash bag, cut a hole in the bottom, cut off both corners, put it on over your head. Voila! A quick poncho to keep you clean for any occasion.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    so basically, Skymall

    • Artisan Skymall = Second Floor of Olde Timey Emporium

    • glasspusher

      Right. I’d have to be really high to buy their shit.

    • $73376667

      Damn it, you beat me to it!

  • MrsReardon

    That stapler is not even red.

  • Arcturus

    To me these all pale in comparison to Dean & Deluca’s “Luxury Ice” cubes. Only $7.50 per cube (minimum 10) and that doesn’t include the insane shipping costs. Have at ‘er:http://www.deandeluca.com/glace-luxury-ice.aspx

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    I have a house full of crap, and I am moving to an undisclosed location without it.So kids?Some day you will not want anything you own today. Nothing. Nope, not even THAT.Seriously, go minimal.

    • DrShitferbrains

      I have an aunt who just build additions onto her house rather that clear it out. It seems to work for her.

  • goonemeritus

    If I walked around in only that apron while carrying that axwould people think I was cool?

    • DrShitferbrains

      Add some foamy drool and I’d be all, “Bitch stole my look.”

    • nothingisamiss

      Hmmmm……maybe, GM. Maybe you could post some pics?

  • AncienReggie

    A good apron relies on shoulder straps to carry the weight, not a neck strap. So those would crumby aprons anyway, even at $28.

  • that thing costs $128, because the denim is special. You will hand it down to your children…thanks but i’ll wait for the AAPL stock. or the early 20th c. abstract master that hung in the downstairs bathroom.

  • FeloniousMonk

    How much is the dinner bell? Cause you can get a Cajun triangle handmade from the tines of antique hay rakes for only $39.95. Edit: hmm. how do you enter URLs on this here thing? Anyhoo, it’s http://www.steveweissmusic.com/product/tee-don-cajun-triangle/triangles.

    • topjob66t

      AugustusCarp, the easiest way to transfer a URL into Disqus is to get on the site you want to share and mouse up to the title. Left click on the site name. The whole address should go dark. I use Chrome so mine goes to blue. Then right click on the name and choose ‘copy’. The site is stored in memory which allows you to do a ‘paste’ using the same right click in the body of your message. You can also use HTML tags. Which is cool. That list is here and can be printed out: http://help.disqus.com/customer/portal/articles/466253-what-html-tags-are-allowed-within-comments

      • FeloniousMonk

        I should have been clearer. I can get the URL in; I meant getting a proper link. I used the tags for an anchor, but they got stripped out. Thanks for the link to the list of tags you can use. It claims you can use anchors, so I guess I’ll try again some time.

        • topjob66t

          The entire link you post is there. Disqus appears to be looking like a partial. That is because of Disqus using brevity on passing on links. Some links are big. Is that what you mean?Glad you went with the default Disqus where you get a response to your e-mail box. I believe I have used only three of the mark up tags. And rarely. So it is all about words and meanings.

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    I already have the olde timey heirloom of the future: An iPhone.

  • Jenny

    Oh oh oh! My grandparents had that stapler! Although I doubt they paid 200 smackers for it. If they did, they sure didn’t give an damn about 4 year old me using it as her new musical instrument.

  • Elsie1976

    I have the fugly brown-and-white apron my mother made in 7th grade Home Ec in 1954. It still works. Antique AND an heirloom!Also I do in fact own a dinner bell similar to the triangle thingy–it was a metalworking class project–along with two regular bells that hang by the doors. My house didn’t come with doorbells, only knockers, and the ex-spouse thought it would be cute. *shrug*Cost of triangle thingy: Nothing really. I made hooks, plant hangers and a set of gate hinges too. Cost of front door bell: $25 from one of the in-lawsCost of back door bell: Free, found in a friend’s basement while we were cleaning.