Nashville Recap: One Teenager Is Too Many Teenagers For A Nighttime Soap

Sullen teenager alert. This week’s Nashville recap has a TON of teenager. Didn’t I distinctly express my wishes last week that we have no more children on this show? It is my god-given right not to deal with children during nighttime soaps. Maddie is fixating over Deacon and is mad at mom, who has dragged all the female members of the James clan down to look at Grandma’s grave, because that is one long train a’comin’, plot wise.

Juliette rolls up in her extremely nice convertible to see her gotta-be-a-hairwave manager chilling next to a different extremely nice convertible, which is a gift from Charlie Wentworth, because he liked her performance. THEY DID SEX YOU GUYS, REMEMBER?? SHE’S REAL GOODER AT IT.

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Rayna has stuck around the Grandma Grave to have a nice long chat with mom about how she doesn’t know who she is anymore and her kid hates her and because she lost her voice. We’d feel sad, except we know her voice will come back, except for the fact that maybe her voice will not come back because rumors abound that this is deliberate as it is a convenient way to have Connie Britton stop singing. (Sorry, Connie Britton, I love you with all my heart because you were Mrs. Taylor AND you were on “West Wing,” but your songs on this show have been weak weak weak.)

Boring Peggy is still faking that she is pregnant and Boring Teddy, who thinks he has a real baby on the way, is blathering about how he is maybe going to run for Congress. In the least romantic and most cynical proposal ever, he casually whips out a ring and doesn’t ask, just stands there, until Peggy asks him if he’s marrying her to avoid the scandal of her big unwed (AND FAKE) baby or to be together as a family? He wants to know if it would be wrong if he said both, but can they keep it secret a while? Sure! You guys already have a secret fake baby. Have a secret real marriage.

Boring Will is at a photo shoot being New Will and in a plot twist no one – WAIT EVERYONE – could have seen coming, the song he sang at the showcase written by Gunnar is getting mad love and he has to go in the studio this very second and record it. Of course he will need Gunnar’s permission and that can’t possibly be a problem, right?

Layla the New Girl is here at photo shoot as well. She is the bestest at getting her picture taken because she is perfect.

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Scarlett is bad at having her picture taken because she is supposed to be come hither (nope, they really say that) and she just looks terrified and the fashion photographer just gets bitchy. Way to help your subject along, bitchy guy.

Deacon is going to date the court-appointed lawyer that represented him when he was trying super hard to just stay in jail for something he didn’t do but wanted to martyr about anyway. This should go well.

Rayna’s sister Tandy (if you are of a Certain Age, this name will only evoke memories of Radio Shack) is going to investigate the accident of Rayna/Tandy’s mother, and you know know know this isn’t going to turn out well for their dad because he’s going to have turned out to have killed mom and yep, signs point to exactly that.

Rayna shows up at Juliette’s door to say that she’s got to cancel the tour because there’s just too much going on, because of course she’s not going to say I LOST MY VOICE. Juliette is not happy, surprise, and stomps off petulantly.

Scarlett’s BFF, Zoey, is of course an amazing singer and is standing around singing in church. I’d be excited that there’s a new person to sing, but since the songs have been SO BORING this year, I don’t care all that much about it.

Ohhh….so last week when Will performed Gunnar’s song he forgot the teeny little detail about asking Gunnar if he could. YOU ARE A BAD FRIEND AND A BAD PERSON WILL. Will is trying to sell Gunnar on how awesome it is for Gunnar. Also, too, Avery, unceremoniously fired by Juliette last week, is now the barback at the same place Gunnar works, because there is only one or two bars in Nashville. Couldn’t Avery find guitar work in any other band in Nashville given that he was just lead guitarist for a super-famous country singer? Of course not.

Juliette wants a tour that is full of her new material, but Hair-Weave Manager explains that she will not sell out a damn thing unless she plays the old tweenybopper hits.

Deacon lawyer date. Deacon is having trouble cutting his meat. That’s not a metaphor – his hand is just still fucked up. Lawyer is encouraging him to sue the city because he didn’t get good medical care and had high bail. Yes, Deacon, sue the city that is run by Rayna’s husband who raised your love child. Also, too, you deliberately decided to lie to remain in jail for some self-punishment thing, which would kind of undercut that lawsuit.

Sullen teenager is at the opera gala that is Wyatt’s big tribute to his dead wife THAT HE PROBABLY KILLED. Maddie is mad at mom but so nice to dad until…Peggy is wearing the engagement ring that is supposed to be a secret around her neck in a plunging ball gown.

Nashville Recap: One Teenager Is Too Many Teenagers For A Nighttime Soap

That is not a good way to keep a secret, Peggy. Maddie recognizes it as her grandmother (Teddy’s mom, not Grandma Grave killed by Wyatt mom) and goes OFF while all the adults look at each other awkwardly. Teddy lets Rayna know that he is only marrying Peggy because of the big fake baby. She’s going to run out of time to fake this baby pretty soon.

Boring Deacon is the new king of Boring on this show. Even Teddy is not this boring. Boring Deacon’s lawyer is explaining, boringly, how she took Deacon’s case because she does court-appointed cases when she can to honor her dead boyfriend who was killed and then she decided not to hate but to love and oh god see! SO BORING. Deacon is impressed, though, and mumbles at her that she is the best person ever and then suggests maybe she should come home and see his etchings.

Tandy decides that this crowded opera gala would be the ideal time to begin confronting her father about what happened to her mother, because that’s completely sensible. Dad dissembles and wanders off.

SONG TIME! Juliette is practicing a not-all-that-interesting-song and looking not at all that interested in singing it. It’s one of her big teenage hits that is actually called “I’m a Girl.”

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She can’t sing the big shiny overproduced tween songs. SHE JUST CAN’T. Hair Weave explains that she will not sell out arenas, so she’d be playing to half houses. She tells him she will not, and to figure it out. What good is a manager if you can’t demand they perform literally impossible things?

Maddie has run away. Gah. This entire episode was already about her sullen tortured teenrage sadness and now we have to focus on finding her.

Conveniently, Luke Wheeler, the biggest act in country, who we have never heard of yet, is launching a tour. Juliette wants to co-headline. Hair-weave says Luke doesn’t co-headline. Juliette says she will not open for someone else, she will not play to smaller arenas, and she will not postpone the tour. Juliette is a peach.

SONG TIME! Gunnar, singing alone in the bar that he thinks is empty, but of course Avery is still there. Avery tells him it is a great song if he adds a pile of instruments but no it is not because it is boring because T-Bone Burnett is no longer working on this show and life is not worth living. Avery’s going to talk Gunnar into recording it because the Gunnar-Will fight is going to be so epic you guys.

Rayna shows up at Deacon’s house looking for Maddie, interrupting the beginning of sexy lawyer time. Maddie is not there, because Maddie has called…Juliette?

SONG TIME: Drunk Zoey and Drunk Scarlett are going to sing the Supremes’ “Come See About Me.” I love Scarlett so much. LOVE HER, but this couldn’t be a worse song for her. Her thin country voice gets completely lost while Zoey sings all over the place. See? Don’t you miss T-Bone now? We’re down to Motown covers, people.

Maddie is bonding with Juliette but is totally going to call Rayna, Juliette, you are being good Juliette, but somehow this will change. Also, where’s the guy you boned at the end of last episode who gave you a car??

Lawyer-Deacon talk about what how he is dad of Maddie, because I’d totally talk about all this complex life shit on a first date. Does no one in this show just have regular old normal friends to talk to? NOPE.

Maddie-Rayna bonding now and Maddie is just fine because teenagers are mercurial. Can we stop talking to/about/around Maddie now that she’s OK???

BOOM. Tandy has gone to the U.S. Attorney’s Office with a thumb drive full of fuck-over for Daddy. All his dirty financial deals, everything. Hey wait. Wasn’t she a part of his company during all this time? Doesn’t she just know about all the kickbacks and such because she helped? Did I miss an immunity deal somewhere?

Gunnar says no to Will recording his song, because he gets to. Will pouts.

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…and stomps off, but only after explaining that Gunnar will never be a star.

New Girl Layla is going to go on tour with Juliette, because she is basically the new Juliette. They do the entire deal with Layla standing in the doorway because she does not get to come in to the Juliette crib.

WAIT WHY IS MADDIE HERE AGAIN?? And the younger one. Dandy? Daisy? Daphne. Yeah, Daphne. Maddie’s going to sing a song of Deacon’s. When the kids sang last season, it was adorable but not all that good. It is a measure of how far this show has fallen, musically, that the Daphne-Maddie duet is the best song of the week. Rayna stands in the hallway where they can’t see her, looking as wistful as is humanly possible, and tries to sing a note or two. She can’t, and we end scene.

Tune in next week for more songs that did not get written or developed or recorded under the loving hands of T-Bone Burnett and weep for what might have been.

TV Show: Nashville

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