Nashville Recap: The One With Michelle Obama, Y'All

Last week’s Nashville was irritating because of the whole everything is about Scarlett part and also too the Juliette sexes icky record label head Jeff Fordham part because WHAT THE FUCK, SHOW? Do better this week.

Here’s Juliette taking the shame shower and trying to wash the Jeff off and remembering that she just cheated on Avery, who she actually loves.

Here’s Rayna having a meeting with a lot of radio people, and it looks so stiff it is almost unbearable. Also, the radio people want her to know that they are still mad that she signed Juliette. Country radio broadcasters hold grudges, y’all. The meeting is interrupted by URGENT NEWS about Luke Wheeler.

Luke’s been over in Afghanistan performing for the troops, and his Hummer convoy was hit an IED. He’s being flown to New York and Rayna’s going to head there. Way to step up your game, show. Afghanistan! IED! Blam!

Sweet god above we forgot about the whole reality show-within-a-show thing, but here it is! Will is getting some makeup and Gunnar and Will’s place is getting wrecked by camera crews.

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Gunnar gets a call from his publisher about writing songs for Juliette’s next album. He’s all a-flutter about it because he’s the one that saw Juliette sneak off with icky Jeff Fordham. So now he doesn’t think he can write with her because Avery’s his pal and now we are yelling at the teevee because Gunnar and Avery fall in and out of bro-love all the time so you could just take the job and shut your mouth, Gunnar. But of course he tells Zoey right away so that keeping this secret can get really nice and complicated.

Rayna’s taking off to go see Luke, who may or may not be horribly injured from an IED, and Teddy is taking the kids. Terrible Teen Maddie decides this is a totally appropriate time to push to spend the night with Deacon instead of dad. She keeps pushing until Teddy says yes, and it is one of the few times we’ve ever felt sorry for Teddy.

Aw man time for awkward talk between Avery and Juliette, because he was waiting at her house for her while she was HAVING SEX WITH ICKY JEFF FORDHAM. Avery apologizes for focusing on Scarlett and tells Juliette he loves her, but because she is filled with guilt over SEX WITH ICKY JEFF FORDHAM she wriggles away and runs out the door to meetings.

Rayna goes to see Luke, and he’s beaten up but not really all that hurt. Basically, they gave him a nasty scratch on his side to signify hurt-ness. Wait, he got airlifted out of Afghanistan to Germany and then New York for a scratch and some bruised ribs? Damn.

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Reality show time! Will and Layla are just going to hang out and do whatever they’d do normally, so Will decides to stand up and play a new song he just wrote for Layla, like you always do at home on Tuesday morning. Layla just sits demurely and watches him.

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Worst reality show ever. We can’t decide whether or not we feel bad for Will when the inevitable happens, which is that the reality show will somehow discover his big gay gayness. Tough for him to live his life in country music as a gay man but dude you dragged another human being into your shit by getting married and that is fucked up.

Avery seeks out Zoey to talk about how Juliette seems distant. Zoey immediately starts trying to say, without saying, that maybe Juliette isn’t feeling distant about Scarlett, hmmmmm?? and also too maybe Avery should talk to Gunnar. How many more minutes before Avery finds out that his girlfriend fucked ICKY JEFF FORDHAM?

Juliette’s doing meet and greets with possible co-songwriters, one of whom includes Gunnar, of course, who immediately comes in and is awkwardly all like “Avery is the best, isn’t he?” Just then here comes ICKY JEFF FORDHAM being icky, and Juliette asks Gunnar and her manager to step outside.

Maddie is doing math. Deacon is mystified by it. Maddie also too would like to know if Deacon ever wanted to marry Rayna, but right at that moment Deacon’s lasagna that he is cooking for Dinner with The Teen conveniently burns so he doesn’t have to answer. When the hell did this turn into a wacky sitcom?

Luke is sad that he didn’t get to sing for all the troops in Afghanistan. Rayna suddenly has a “let’s put on a show” moment and tells him they can perform at Fort Campbell right by Nasvhille and simulcast it to all the overseas troops. Luke doesn’t know if he has enough in him for a whole show, but Rayna will help! Other people will help! Hoo-rah.

ICKY JEFF FORDHAM is pestering Juliette about coming back to Edgehill and also sleazily reminding her of the sexytime. Glenn walks in to invite her to play for the troops, which we hoped would end the scene, but icky Jeff just sneers at her about how a patriotic gesture won’t save her career. Such a nice guy.

Terrible Teen Maddie would like to stay with Deacon another night or maybe forever because she wishes she grew up with Deacon. Deacon explains that both Rayna and Maddie deserved better than the person he was back then. Jesus we do not care about this family demographic AT ALL. We’re assuming there will be some sort of big cliffhanger ending this season where maybe Maddie will go live with Deacon against her parents’ wishes and WE DO NOT CARE.

Luke is sad and mad that Rayna asked Juliette to perform. Fuck off, Luke Wheeler. Juliette overhears him and tells him if he doesn’t want her on the stage, she won’t be, and walks off. This is how Rayna feels about that.

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Oh god the reality show is both worse and more boring. Inexplicably, Will is required to carry Layla in the door as if they’ve just come from getting married, yell out “home sweet home” in a jolly fashion, and then kiss her. Apparently they’ve shot this “reality” scene 10 times because the kiss just isn’t working. OF COURSE IT ISN’T. Will gets mad and stomps off, because that is how Will copes.

Luke is now convinced that Rayna invited Juliette just to push Highway 65, because Luke is a dick, Oh, and also too Juliette is being mad classy about all this for real, and is just chatting with the troops, who ask her why she’s there if she’s not performing. Instead of throwing Luke under the bus, which would be totally justified, she tells them that she’s there because her dad was a Black Hawk pilot and she lived on a base until she was three, but her dad was killed in a training accident when she was four. Luke just sort of skulks around in the background while she talks. Luke is ridiculous.

Deacon is at an AA meeting talking all about what it is like to be a dad WE DO NOT CARE ABOUT DEACON BEING A DAD.

Will’s at the gym pumping some iron and a personal trainer WHO IS TOTALLY A GAY offers to help him out and Will gets that deer in the headlights look he gets any time the gay thing comes up and stutters about how he is good on the training front, but the guy gives him his card anyway. Will crumples it and puts it in his pocket and we assume he will be caught fucking this dude on reality teevee camera quite soon.

Oh hello Luke Wheeler are you showing up to ask Juliette to perform because you overheard about her dad? Oh yes you are.

Gunnar asked Avery over to have some beers and some Man Talk about Juliette, but right then Zoey walks in to say that she just got a backup singing gig…with Juliette Barnes. They’d agreed Gunnar would tell Avery about ICKY JEFF FORDHAM but now Zoey isn’t so down with that since she’s going to be working with Juliette. Nice avarice there, Zoey.

Scarlett is back waiting tables at the Bluebird.

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This should surprise no one, as it sets the whole show up for another arc of Scarlett Finding Her Voice at the Bluebird. Of course the very first table she waits upon knows who she is and wants to talk about her breakdown on stage and also about how it is sad she isn’t singing anymore. Great plan, Scarlett.

Rayna has a sitdown with Luke to basically say “what the fuck, Luke? You are being a jerk.” Luke launches into a whole story about how when the IED went off he saw her and he loves her but he is not sure she feels the same way but apparently she does and oh so boring Luke Wheeler.

Troop concert time, which means MICHELLE OBAMA TIME.

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Inspirational message from Michelle interrupted by Daphne wanting to talk to Teddy about how she is worried that Maddie will always be with Deacon from now on, instead of with her and Teddy. Hush, child, Michelle Obama is on.

Layla is trying to get Will to talk about what is going on with him, but he decides that the real problem is the reality teevee show cameras, which seem to have filmed approximately five minutes of material, so he goes all Hulk and tears a camera out of the wall. Way to cope with your anger, Will.

Luke is going to do a duet with Luke as the first show at the troop jamboree and hot damn they are singing “Don’t Put Dirt on My Grave Just Yet.” It sounds terrible with Luke singing, but it’s totally worth it to see Juliette on a big stage tearing it up. Of course, we don’t get to hear the song, because Deacon has to come talk to Rayna right that very second about how he is not mad anymore and totally understands why she didn’t tell him about Maddie and show, get out of your own way and LET PEOPLE SING.

Right as Juliette gets off stage, Avery decides that’s a great time to talk about how he feels her slipping away. Does no one just hang out and listen to music?

Zoey stops by Scarlett’s house to tell her that she’s going to sing backup on Juliette’s tour and Scarlett says that makes it much easier for her to decide to leave Nashville if Zoey won’t be there. Wait, is Scarlett leaving the show entirely???

Whatcha doin’ Will? Digging out a dude’s card from your shorts pocket so you can go have furtive guilt-driven sexytime? Great idea!! Did you call from the bathroom of your house, which may or may not have reality teevee cameras in it? Even better!

Back to troop concert. Here is another American Idol person named Kellie Pickler to sing at us.

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First Kelly Clarkson, now Kellie Pickler. Are there any other American Idol Kellies that can guest star on the show?

Now Deacon has sought out Teddy because he wants to learn all about Maddie and what he missed the night of her birth. PEOPLE JUST WATCH THE FUCKING MUSIC.

Gah, ICKY JEFF FORDHAM is here at troop jamboree to try yet again to get Juliette to sign with Edgehill again. Now he’s basically going to blackmail her about having fucked him. Such a fine specimen of humanity.

Rayna’s brought the girls up on stage to sing, but it is a song that Deacon wrote, so once again Maddie has to push push push to have Deacon join them onstage.

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Teddy stares sadly at the whole thing. Seriously, we hate feeling sad for Teddy, because we’ve spent two seasons wishing Teddy would go away, but this is just super not awesome for the guy.

And that’s where we end – with the girls and Rayna and Deacon onstage, a family tableau, and Teddy alone.

We’re surprised we made it to the end of the episode without Avery finding out about Juliette and ICKY JEFF FORDHAM or Will having regret-filled gay sex. Maybe next week.

TV Show: Nashville

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