Jul 30, 2017
Nashville Recap: Personal Life-Changing Empowerment Time With Guru Avery
On last week’s “Nashville,” we saw that some countrified Westboro Church type protesters have set out to destroy Juliette because she is a whore and a heathen. This week, we learn that trouble hasn’t gone away, and the protesters have now taken to Twitter and are protesting shows and basically being all mob-like.
Deacon has landed a songwriting deal out of the blue even though he only began writing again a few months ago. The first thing he does, upon receiving this manna from heaven, is noting that there aren’t as many zeros on the contract as there used to be. So, he tells his buddy he needs to think about it, because Nashville is chock full of people who want to lay serious coin on an alcoholic guitar player that broke his hand, split with his main writing partner, and has a handful of new songs.
Scarlett is singing! Oh dear lord what are you wearing Scarlett?
Also she’s not singing solo. She’s just singing solo with that giant beardo guy Zac Brown.
Rayna’s manager is disappoint that Scarlett does not want to write new songs for Kelly Clarkson. We, on the other hand, are not, as Clarkson is a bad fit for this show and Scarlett’s songs. The reappearance of this thread makes us worry that Clarkson’s guest spot is an inevitable eventuality though.
Oooh. Looks like Deacon is maybe going to write with Rayna again! Now THAT he can demand monies for. Can T-Bone Burnett come back and ensure that this is a good song?
Oh blargh now here is one of the dudes from Rascal Flatts.
He loves Gunnar’s song. We do not love Rascal Flatts. We joke a lot about missing T-Bone, but seriously: last year you had things like Elvis Costello writing a great new country rock song for the show
…while this year we get the desperate mainstream country star drop-ins. Yawn. And of course, out of the blue, Rascal Flatts dude wants to write songs with Gunnar. Double yawn. Also, songwriting is apparently very easy and everyone is compatible with each other, songwriting-wise.
Juliette’s show in wherever we are now is canceled because someone phoned in a bomb threat. There’s no bomb, but the owner of the venue won’t reschedule because Juliette is a blasphemer. Ouch.
Deacon is moping around his lawyer girlfriend Megan about how he got a bad contract offer but maybe that will be fixed if he writes with Rayna and Megan is all like “well, does that really help you, hmmmmm? I am jealous but I will mask it in concern about your stardom.”
Many venues are canceling Juliet’s show. We had no idea that owners of mega-stadiums were so concerned about the morals of their performers. How would Katy Perry or Madonna ever get booked in the south when all it takes is one extramarital affair and a James O’Keefe type of hatchet job video edit to get Juliet tossed?
Gunnar bails on Zoey and friends because he gets to write songs with Rascal Flatts guy. She feels eyeroll about the whole thing because he’s canceling all the time now.
Avery gives her an empowerment pep talk about how she just needs to let Gunnar know how she feels. Bo-ring.
To pile all the insult on all the injury, label head Jeff, whose role has been mercifully minimized the last several episodes, shows up at Juliette’s house to yell at her about the cancellations. He calls her trailer trash and tells her she should thank god for her good fortune and that she has to publicly beg god for his forgiveness.
Jeff is always a regular creep, but here he is also in your face creepy, like Alien creepy.
Rayna and Deacon are chillin’ and maxin’ and relaxin’ together like old times and writing a song and reminiscing about all the songs they wrote together. Do you think we’ll get to jealous Megan and jealous Luke yet this episode, or will that drag to the next one?
Teddy! We forgot all about Teddy, because with Peggy dead, why can’t his storyline just fade away? The family of the man that killed Peggy and then killed himself has hired a lawyer because they believe he is innocent and want the police to investigate his death. “Hired a lawYER??” WHO??” bellows Teddy. We cut away but you know for sure it will be Deacon’s girlfriend because there is only one criminal law attorney in all of Nashville.
Avery stops by to see Juliette but she’s passed out drunk and unresponsive on the bed. We thought there might be a life-or-death situation, but then she wakes up and goes and pukes her guts out instead. She miraculously sobers up and sits on the couch having a heart-to-heart with Avery and he gives her an empowerment pep talk too. Avery is your new empowerment guru.
Scarlett’s manager is making her go to Gunnar’s number one party, even though she is Gunnar sad and Avery sad and Zoey sad. So so sad.
Rayna and Deacon are songwriting again and giving each other love glances.
We’re not opposed to Deacon and Rayna hooking back up, but can it be with a better song??
After her talk with Avery aka Tony Robbins, Zoey gets all empowered to tell Gunnar she felt blown off. Gunnar is a complete dick about it and tells her she’s criticizing him and it is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to write with Rascal Flatts dude and oh hey Scarlett would understand it. Damn, son. You just lost your plus one for your own number one party.
The party is one endless loop of Luke and Rayna’s singing Gunnar’s song. Jeff comes along to stare daggers at Rayna. Jeff is the worst.
Megan is representing the now-dead Peggy killer. Did we call it? WE FUCKING CALLED IT! Teddy is all Yelly McYellerson about it while she calmly explains that she doesn’t think Peggy-killer offed himself even though he was sad about losing his job at Hollander Enterprises. Teddy does a wait-who-what?! thing about that, but then we’re back to the record party. Luke really wants everybody to know that Rayna is his special lady, but she’s not sure she wants to be one half of a mega celebrity couple. Also, too, she’s got to hook back up with Deacon, duh.
Avery’s inspiration solution for Juliette is that she should go busk on the street to get her confidence back, but she has to wear a ridiculous wig and glasses so she is on the down low.
She also has a ridiculous tambourine to go with the ridiculous wig. But of course a crowd immediately gathers and gives them piles of money, rather than scowling at them and calling the police. She and Avery sound great, but their song is about 90 seconds long.
Release party! Let’s toast Gunnar! Let’s cut to Scarlett looking awkward! Let’s play the Luke and Rayna song again! We never want to go to a number one record party celebration if it means we only get to hear one song for the entire night. Unless we’re drunk and it’s that Chumbawumba song you can yell to. Given enough liquor, you can shout that song forfucking ever.
Scarlett tries to talk to Gunnar about how she had capital F Feelings when she was singing with him and Gunnar explains he did not have those feelings, capital F or no. Scarlett goes into the bathroom to cry and to tell Rayna that she does not want to be there.
She also decides it is a great fucking time to tell Rayna — her boss and label head, remember — that she has a creepy codependent relationship with Deacon and she does not want to have one like that with Gunnar. Good career move, Scarlett.
Rascal Flatts dude is at the party with his very blond, very busty wife. They’re there to give him a pep talk about how there is more to life than just country music. Now Rascal Flatts guy is empowerment guru.
Luke runs into Deacon and tells him he knows about Deacon’s improbable record deal, except that we know full well that Deacon will never sign that thing because he’s going to write with Rayna again.
Avery and Juliette make enough coin to eat, but Juliette just wants to go home. She calls for her driver and just leaves Avery standing there on the sidewalk, which seems like kind of a dick move to your own personal Deepak Chopra.
Gunnar has bailed out on his own record party to go find Zoey and apologize for being a dick except that then he takes a hard right into explaining how he has a dream and he doesn’t want it to stop. Remember last season when Gunnar was interesting and not a jerk?
Deacon and Rayna agree they’re not going to fall back into their old patterns or write songs together anymore, thus killing yet another opportunity for there to be decent songs in the show.
Teddy has gone to the bar to meet Albert, who we don’t think we’ve ever met before. He is not a good looking man, so we suspect he won’t be around much as he can’t hop in and out of bed with anyone on the show.
His purpose in the show is to allow Teddy to have a really clunky bit of exposition about how the mysterious Hollander Enterprises is an off-books Lamar Wyatt enterprise, and therefore the Peggy-killer has a connection to Lamar. INTRIGUE!
Deacon has decided to sign the improbable record deal and not write with Rayna. Lawyer girlfriend Megan is happy. Meanwhile, Scarlett shows up to mea culpa all over Rayna’s doorstep. Rayna’s not mad, but she clearly feels like Scarlett lacks grit. She gives her an opportunity to walk away. Scarlett has feels all over the place. She never knew she wanted to be a singer but now she does, blah blah blah, she feels the magic when she is on the stage. OK then.
Teddy goes to visit Megan and tells her straight up that Lamar Wyatt ordered the hit, which we think was supposed to be on Teddy but ended up taking out Peggy. Not going to be any respite from that storyline, we guess.
Juliette shows up at Avery’s house and tells him it is time to get to songwriting. If this plot line is that Juliette tosses away all her fame and fortune and she and Avery write songs that are secretly written by Elvis Costello, we are all for it.
Rayna is ready to become all celebrity-coupley with Luke. We really thought he was gone. His music is boring and he has that dumb “wheels up” slogan. Boo Luke. We end with a boring Luke-Rayna kiss instead of a surprise T-Bone Burnett appearance or a decent song. Oh well. You know we’ll tune in next week to watch the whole Wyatt Enterprise storyline blow up, because we are suckers.