Nashville Recap: There Really Should Have Been More Blood

We ended last week’s Nashville with the SHOCKING LESBIAN KISS between the lady Charlie Wentworth is married to, his wife Olivia, and the lady Charlie Wentworth is fucking, Juliette. As lesbian kisses go, it was pretty meh, but as a ratings ploy? We’ll see.

We open this week post-kiss. Excuse us. Post SHOCKING kiss. Apparently Juliette is not into the idea and is understandably mystified by the whole thing. We’re mystified by why it is a storyline.

Morning lounging around time with the world’s most boring (or at least this show’s most boring) couple, Teddy and Peggy. Is Peggy still faking the pregnancy? Awwww, yeah.

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Spanner in the works, though: Teddy wants to come to the appointment. PROBLEM.

Rayna is heading off for the weekend with Luke Wheeler and oh lord we keep dozing off. We can’t have lesbian sex between Olivia and Juliette but we have to see Peggy in bed and hear about sex with Luke Wheeler? Sexytime getaway is interrupted by sheriff’s deputies, who are serving a court order on Rayna to surrender the masters of her new record to Edgehill. This is how Rayna feels about that.

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You guys this is totally how court orders work! In a civil property dispute, one side just goes to court without telling the other and they get what they want and then the police come and enforce it. TOTALLY TRUE TO LIFE. Seriously, Nashville, we know you’re a soap opera but do better.

Oh, god, it gets dumber. The sheriff tells Rayna that if she doesn’t turn over the tapes right now, she’ll be in “contempt of court for unlawful possession” and they could arrest her right now. We are a lawyer in a place other than Nashville, but we do not think this is actually a thing.

Avery and Juliette are doing some songwriting while Juliette dodges repeated messages from Charlie Wentworth, and Gunnar’s doing some songwriting while Luke Wheeler runs on a treadmill like a real-ass master of the universe. Luke tells him that one of his songs might work if he makes it “fit me! fit my brand!” He then reels off his lifetime sales numbers. WHO TALKS LIKE THIS?

Time for Scarlett’s big show debut. Oof.

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She can’t hear through the monitors and it sounds exactly awful. There’s an obligatory enormous redneck in the front row yelling at her to get off the stage and there are soda cups a-thrown. Man, country crowds are TOUGH given that she was exactly 30 seconds into the song. Rayna – oh, did we mention Rayna’s here? Yes, Rayna’s here, Jeff from Edgehill is here, everybody is here. Rayna’s here to fuck Luke Wheeler and Jeff’s here to fuck Rayna and Scarlett over. Where were we? Rayna takes a mike and heads out onstage with Scarlett because Rayna is awesome. She shames the crowd for booing Scarlett so that Scarlett can start over and it is the best.

Juliette has decided to unburden herself of her Wentworth-related secrets to Avery, who is her friend again. Avery fesses up to last season’s manager sugar mama, which we have to admit we’d forgotten all about. Ahh, bonding.

Scarlett’s in rough shape and locks herself in her dressing room, but Deacon’s already there. Oh, did we forget to mention Deacon’s at the show too? Deacon’s there, because everyone is there. We told you. He tries to give her a pep talk, but she’s having none of it. Deacon has the good sense to leave her alone. Rayna stops in next, and her pep talk is a little more successful as she lets Scarlett know that she was booed by stadium crowds a bunch of times. Scarlett asks Rayna about the label buyout, as Jeff was kind enough to let it slip to Scarlett seconds before her debut performance that Rayna hadn’t bought her or the label out, and Jeff owned her. Rayna lets her know that she’s doing her best to get out from under.

Gunnar is still attempting to write songs for Luke Wheeler, but now Luke is getting dressed instead of running on a treadmill. Luke takes a quick moment to mock Scarlett’s performance because basically he’s a dick, maybe. Signs point to yes with a stage intro like this:

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Yes, that is Luke Wheeler posing in front of a giant picture of Luke Wheeler posing the same way. This does not seem to be undertaken for ironic effect. We cut away from Luke singing to watch Rayna and Jeff argue. For once, we are not sad that there’s a cutaway from the music, because Luke Wheeler blech. Jeff has engaged in his campaign of terror – seizing the masters, undermining Scarlett, so that he can get Rayna to release her new record ASAP while people are still all fixated on her accident. No, really. And then he shows her the art hs wants for the cover.

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Worst fan art ever.

Deacon goes to Rayna to tell her that Scarlett probably shouldn’t be on the tour because she froze up and she’ll keep freezing up and it will hurt her. Rayna disagrees and says she’ll toughen up, but she says it in an awesome and supportive way and oh Connie Britton we love you so much this episode. Rayna is like everyone’s cool encouraging mom.

Juliette has jetted off to confront the Wentworths about Olivia’s proposition and Charlie’s repeated sad panda messages. She tells them both off and then Olivia decides to crack wise about Juliette’s poverty-stricken upbringing. Juliette leaves without chewing her to pieces, and we are sad about that.

Gunnar is still trying to write a Luke Wheeler song and Scarlett stops by and helps and we’d be happier about this turn of events except the song sounds all big country Luke Wheeler. Also, too, Scarlett knows the chorus – and how to harmonize – a song that Gunnar is still writing and she has never heard. Luke and Rayna are in bed chatting and they hear the sweet sounds of Gunnar and Scarlett singing outside by the pool and Luke is now pleased with the song and c’mon Rayna dump this tool shed.

Guess what time it is?! It’s time for Peggy to fake a miscarriage! She’s called Teddy to lay the groundwork and oh god this show has not only jumped the shark, it has broken free of the bounds of gravity and is hurtling towards the sun.

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Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. Peggy has purchased a giant container of pig’s blood with which to fake her miscarriage. Nighttime soaps are the fucking best, y’all.

Scarlett tour night two. She shakes off Rayna’s offer to help and goes out and is perfect and plays a song that would sound fine if they hadn’t done a big boring tour arrangement and made her do Juliette-style dancing around the stage. Scarlett is not the new Juliette! Layla is the new Juliette! T-Bone Burnett would have never stooped so low. T-BONE PLEASE COME BACK WE BEG YOU.

Fake miscarriage and fake blood time. Dammit, there are just small dots of blood. We were hoping for Peggy smeared in blood a la Carrie. Crushing letdown.

Oh god we just realized that Luke Wheeler yells “Wheels Up!” when he takes the stage. Gah. The only plus side is that Luke has called Rayna to the stage to sing the new Gunnar/Scarlett song with him.

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The big country feel of this one isn’t as annoying as the Scarlett bit, because Rayna has always been big country, but we’re still convinced it would be much better if T-Bone Burnett had been at the helm. Looks like the duet was a shrewd move by Rayna to give Jeff what he wants: a big hit for the upcoming quarter. Jeff and Rayna make nice and all is well.

We have to watch Luke-Rayna sexytime and then we have to cut to Peggy fake-recovering. Last 5 minutes of this episode, you suck. Peggy whips up some tears about how she knows he only married her because she was pregnant and there’s some tender hugging. Peggy-Teddy hugging or Luke-Rayna sexing. Can we choose neither please?

Charlie Wentworth has barged in on Juliette to explain that he’s a really great guy. More accurately, he’s a terrible empty guy, but he doesn’t want to be and he’s falling in love with Juliette. The end.

Well, at least that cliffhanger isn’t as dumb as the SHOCKING LESBIAN KISS so we’ll take what we can get. See you next week.

TV Show: Nashville

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