Nashville, I Love You, But Aren’t You A Show With Music?

Oh right. Deacon’s Long Road Back to guitar-playing, complete with sweaty nighttime torment. He won’t actually go to the doctor and get actual medical help to speed the recovery of his hand. Much better to just leave it unwrapped and unsplinted so you can roll onto it while you’re sleeping, which is the absolute best way to deal with a completely shredded/broken hand. Smart!

Teddy and Rayna are now divorced. It is awkward and stiff.

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Does this mean Teddy will go away? I am probably not this lucky.

New Girl! Oh, New Girl, how I’ve missed you since last week. New Girl, I like you well enough to look up your character’s name again and refer to you by that. Hello again, New Girl aka Layla. Layla is just burbling with enthusiasm all over the place, which makes Juliette look and behave as if some of it might take literal form and actually spill onto Juliette’s pristine white dress:

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Oh, Juliette Barnes. You can come be mean to me ANYTIME.

On the other hand, slimy record guy, don’t come around here no more. Slimy record guy – ok, ok, looking him up too. Jeff. His name is Jeff. Jeff, though he spent last episode kicking Juliette in the teeth by explaining how she is only best by remaining a tween star forever, now wants her to perform at an upcoming stockholder meeting for the label. Juliette answers this request by standing up, unzipping, and putting her dick on the table, explaining that there’s no way she’ll play his little shindig because she’s playing a show for some enormously rich dude that owns all the radio stations ever. Oh, Jeff.

Rayna wants out of her Edgehill contract too, because no one wants to play with Jeff. Jeff is an asshole. Rayna needs to give the asshole a record in order to get out, though, and the show is hitting us over the head with the fact that she wants Liam, last season’s rock-country-heartthrob-producer, to produce the thing even though she left him standing alone at the airport when they were supposed to run off together. The best possible producer for your post-near-death-experience album is the guy you screwed over to hook up with someone else.

Are we seeing friction in the Gunnar-Will bromance? Methinks we might be! Gunnar is working hard at being a real songwriter, but Will is getting whisked off to shop for his new style before the stockholder meeting.

Juliette has arrived at radio megamogul’s house, and we have a nice wide shot so we can see that it is much much bigger than the house of Jeff from last week:

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You guys, megamogul Charlie is approximately 12 years old. WTF. He must be here to become someone’s Forbidden Love interest, because he’s way too pretty and young not to be used that way.

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Rayna has finally cornered Liam for coffee or some other daytime beverage to explain to him that he needs to produce her record, because he should be able to just forget that she broke his heart and they should just make it about the music. Liam squints painfully with his remarkably stupid hat atop his head, says he is booked solid, and gets up and leaves. Sick burn, Liam.

Except like 10 seconds later, Liam’s at her house with her hard drives explaining how he is a great producer and he is a pushover and now he will make her record. Way to hang tough, Liam.

GAH TEDDY WHY ARE YOU HERE WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO AWAY!!! Teddy is bringing a pile of cash over to former lover Peggy, who is still pretending to be pregnant, a feat accomplished mostly by holding her hands over her stomach.

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Megamogul would like to play with Juliette’s band tomorrow night and of course he can, because he is a one-man Clear Channel. He’s toting around Hank Williams’ guitar – as in it belonged TO Hank Williams – all casual like because that’s exactly what you’d do if you had that guitar. Avery would like to make love to the guitar.

Nashville, I Love You, But Aren't You A Show With Music?

Stockholder show dress up time for Will and Scarlett. Will has decided to mack on Scarlett’s best friend in his continued quest to be the biggest asshole on the show. Ladies just LOVE to date the closeted gay guy. There’s never any emotional fallout. Will and Scarlet’s BFF decide that the best possible arrangement to attend this show is for Will, BFF, Scarlett, and Gunnar to all go together. No awkwardness there at all.

Jeff would like Rayna to sing at the stockholder meeting now, as a sort of sloppy seconds offer after Juliette turned him down. Rayna says yes because apparently she has no dignity and otherwise we’d just have the show’s second string of Will and Charlotte at the stockholder showcase.

Speaking of … in the continued evolution of Will as this season’s Terrible Person, he’s decided it would be a super cool idea to ask Gunnar, his friend and roomie and struggling songwriter, if he could use his new song at the big showcase. Way to be a solid friend forever, buddy.

Juliette and Avery have been having friend-bonding time while walking around Megamogul’s palace and grounds, but she makes sure to point out to Megamogul that Avery is not her boyfriend – he’s just on the payroll. This is why you can’t have nice things or nice people, Juliette.

Time to discuss the new record with Liam and Rayna, except that Rayna gets all eye-shifty when Liam tells her she’ll need to re-record the vocals on one of the tracks. Could it be? Is it? Of course it is! SHE CAN’T SING. She can, however, fuck Liam again because it is Rayna’s job to ping-pong between men in the weakest way that completely undercuts how she is supposed to be a strong independent character.

Time to load up the Limo of Awkwardness, starring Will, Gunnar, Scarlett, and Scarlett BFF to head to stockholder showcase time. It is also apparently hellloooo Scarlett’s breasts time.

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Time for Megamogul vanity showcase where he gets to play with Juliette’s band while Avery makes big eyes to indicate he is unhappy. In case that isn’t clear enough, he goes even bigger big eyes and backs away from her like she is made of anthrax when she comes over to do some sexy singer-on-guitarist dancing.

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You should know better than to treat the help so poorly Juliette. Also, in case you needed reminding: this song – the first musical performance of the night, close to 30 minutes in, is boring as all get out. T-BOOONNNNEEEEEEE WHERE ARE YOU?!

Stockholder showcase finafuckinglly. Maybe there will be better songs.

Dammit! This stockholder showcase is a mirage. We have to first duck back to Deacon going to the doctor, at long last, for his hand, mostly because we seem to need some Gloomy Foreshadowing about how he’s going to be taking pain pills for the thing and we all know what that means for chemically dependent Deacon.

STOCKHOLDER SHOWCASE LET’S DO THIS. Wait what? We come in at the tail end of Layla’s performance. We had to miss New Girl for Deacon angst? Unfair. Instead of awesome Layla, we get plodding Will who is, surprise, doing Gunnar’s song while Gunnar stares on with dead sad eyes and sad little headshakes. Is the song boring? Yep, because Will is singing it. If Gunnar were singing it, it would be beautiful and retro-classic, but Will sounds like … Blake Shelton? Or some other fill-in-the-blank routine country star.

Avery calls Juliette out on her shit with the whole payroll crack, but actually does it in an awesome way where he explains that she could actually be a person with attachments to other people. Juliette responds by firing him, because she’s terrible.

SHOWCASE COME ON SHOWCASE. Rayna is showing up to sing and we are all supposed to be on the edge of our seats because we know she can’t sing. Rayna, bless her sometimes-conniving little heart, is NOT going to sing and instead brings Scarlett up on stage to sing and to promote Rayna’s new label, which causes Jeff to make big rage eyes, which is how all the dudes in this show are going to express unhappiness, I guess.

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Doesn’t Rayna know who he is? DOESN’T SHE?????

Oh sweet Jesus finally. Scarlett sounds good. Scarlett looks good…so of course we cut away from it to hear Deacon at a 12-step meeting. I don’t want to hear about Deacon’s journey. I want to hear Scarlett sing. But I don’t get to. No Scarlett No Justice No Peace.

Insult to injury. Instead of more music, we have Teddy and Peggy and Peggy’s fake pregnancy. We also have Gunnar and Scarlett BFF stealing off into the night together because that will go so well.

Juliette is drunk drunk drunk and wandering the enormous house of Megamogul, who thoughtfully finds her to escort her to her room, where he kisses her, because if you’re going to get your cheat on, the best place to do it is your own house with your wife sleeping a few feet away. And of course Juliette is going to sleep with him because otherwise there’s no reason for him to be on this show.

So – we heard one full Juliette song that was boring, one part of a Will song that was boring, and a few bright shining moments of a Scarlett song that was amazing. Nashville, you’re a tease, but I’ll keep coming back.

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