O, Happy Day: Cool New Religious Motivational Speaker Dude Justin Lookadoo Is Your New Bradlee Dean
If you frequent our other home for snark on the internet, you know how much mirth Bradlee Dean has brought to us over the years. Ol’ Bradlee is going to have to step up his game HARD because there is a hep new Jesus dood in town here to tell all the public-school schoolchildren about how girls are loudmouthed sluts if they give in to the boys that just can’t keep it in their pants.
Terrible Guy Fieri versus Pinhead hybrid Justin Lookadoo wandered into a public high school assembly in Texas to explain how boys are natural leaders on account of how they’re not like girls, or something like that. Hark! Do we hear echoes of our sweet Bradlee’s thoughts on teens and sex and ladyparts? We sure do!
However, where Bradlee Dean is faltering and maybe already entirely gone and is reduced to ranting weekly on WND, Lookadoo is a hot young thing with a hip website about what boys and girls should do to be dateable. SPOILER ALERT: Ladies should talk less! Shut up, girls! Let’s take a look at some of his other wit and wisdom for the girls:
Accept your girly-ness. You’re a girl. Be proud of all that means. You are soft, you are gentle, you are a woman. Don’t try to be a guy. Guys like you because you are different from them. So let your girly-ness soar.[…]
Girls don’t fight girls, ever. Revenge belongs to God. Dateable girls know that when they fight other girls they look stupid and catty, and guys don’t like it any more than God does. […]
Let him lead. God made guys as leaders. Dateable girls get that and let him do guy things, get a door, open a ketchup bottle. They relax and let guys be guys. Which means they don’t ask him out!!!
No, we have no idea what “revenge belongs to God” means either. God will smite your enemies that end up getting to date hot hot Justin Lookadoo instead of you? We thought God was busy ensuring that various football players win things, but apparently he’s also taking out some time to settle junior high school disputes.
What should boys do? Glad you asked!!
Dateable guys know they aren’t as sensitive as girls and that’s okay. They know they are stronger, more dangerous, and more adventurous and that’s okay. Dateable guys are real men who aren’t afraid to be guys. […]
Men of God are wild, not domesticated. Dateable guys aren’t tamed. They don’t live by the rules of the opposite sex. They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed.
Wild things run free, ladies. They just can’t be tamed!
In case you were wanting to get all interactive-like, you can even take a quiz about how dateable you are. SPOILER ALERT AND TRIGGER WARNING AND PRO TIP: Ladies, you are pretty much never dateable.
Dudes, you are always dateable, but sometimes you just get a little too wild and untamed because of how you are dudes.
Justin is feeling a little embattled right now on account of how everyone hated and mocked him and you should go to Facebook and vote for him, or something.
Oh, Justin. Much like sweet Bradlee, this world was never made for one as beautiful as you.