Dec 14, 2020
Morning Sideboob: Miami Police Want You To Laugh At Justin Bieber’s Blurry Member
We are learning so much about Justin Bieber by way of his arrest in Miami. The Miami PD keep releasing the finest morsels of behind-the-scenes Bieber behavior. And it makes us feel close to him.
We now know that while his balance might not be the best…
…he is good at doing push-ups. Twenty-three and a half in 28 seconds, y’all.
We already knew he is a fan of ink, but now we can take a personal tour of his tattoo collection since he had them all documented in the pen. It probably made Justin feel like a thug. Like he was on an episode of “Lockup.”
Here are a few of our faves:
This…is…a teeny tiny genie lamp?
“Love” and a court jester, denoting his love of clowns.
Native American with very light feathers and a very prominent neck shadow.
A Bible verse with no period at the end. Periods are for chumps.
And now. Now, now, now, the world will get to see the goods. Kinda. It’ll be blurred, but the Miami PD is now working on footage of Justin using the facilities in his cell, which they’re going to release to the public.
The judge previously ordered cops to blur Bieber’s junk before releasing it … we mean the video. But there’s a problem … Our sources say they’re having trouble obfuscating Bieber’s genital area, because he moves as he pees. But they’re also having technical issues blurring the video.
Keep working, people. Around the clock. Even though the Brazilian hooker described Justin’s package as “average,” the world still wants to see it! Blurry and all.
Oprah Tells Lindsay to Cut the Bullshit
The countdown continues. Three more days till the premiere of Lindsay Lohan’s reality show, “Lindsay,” on the Oprah Winfrey Network. They’ve thrown the hungry masses a tiny bone in the form of a sneak peak, during which we learn about Lindsay’s battle with the bottle, tension with her father, her mom’s happiness about Lindsay’s move back to New York, and her distain for paparazzi. Lindsay says the paparazzi make her feel like a prisoner in her own multimillion-dollar New York apartment. We meet her seemingly frustrated sober coach.
Then the shit gets real when Oprah stomps onto the scene.
Did you see the look of panic in Lindsay’s eyes when Big O threatened to pull the cameras? What’s the point if there are no cameras?
Chelsea Handler Does Quaaludes at Jane Fonda’s House
Chelsea Handler stopped by the Howard Stern Show and talked about the time she went to a party at Jane Fonda’s house and took one too many quaaludes.
I went over to Jane Fonda’s house one night and I did a quaalude. I had never done a quaalude before. My friend had one. She gave me two quaaludes. Jane has these dance parties. So I took both of them and that was a disaster. I’m a pretty good drinker, I know how to handle myself. I couldn’t move [after this]. Every time I’d get up I’d fall back down! I told Jane that I took two quaaludes and she said, ‘Well then you better sit down and not get up for awhile.’ She didn’t care. She’s super cool.
Jane Fonda dance parties? Who do we have to jazzercize to get an invitation to one of those?
Katy Perry Does the Weather in Australia
It takes a shit-ton of time to fly to Australia. From the West Coast, you fly the opposite way from where you usually go to get anywhere in the world. Like over Hawaii and keep going. It takes about 53 hours, you zigzag across time zones, and you lose a couple days. Like you just don’t get to live a whole day. You skip it. It’s gone. Not pretty.
So when you finally arrive, we would presume the ordeal leaves you a little loopy. You might act something like this:
Yes, this went exactly as well as you think it would.