Mormon boy band thinks you're "so beautiful" when you don't dress like a whore
Hey, ladies, have you ever wondered what gets Mormon boys really super hot? I know I haven’t, and you probably haven’t, and neither have you over there rolling your eyes, but this Backstreet Boys-esque band of preppy white boys (plus one older black man because Mormons are totes into that diversity thing now) ripped off One Direction’s song “That’s What Makes You Beautiful” to boybandsplain it to us anyway. Hey, where are you going? Come back!
See, they do NOT like our short skirts. Oh no. And they do NOT like our low-cut shirts. Oh oh oh. And they definitely don’t like that one thing some of us can do with our ankles behind our heads. (Okay, that’s not in the song, I’m just guessing here.)
No, these boys respect us SOOOOOOOOO much that they would like us to sit down and shut up and listen to what they are singing at us — because nothing says “I respect you, woman” like telling women they “must” believe what they’re being told—that you need to stop dressing all whore-y. See, “Girls with integrity are hard to find these days.”
Huh. Did you know that “integrity” meant “dresses in a full-body potato sack”? Probably not. You probably thought integrity was, like, a character thing, not a fashion thing, and that you can have integrity coming out of your virtue-maker even if you like to sometimes wear short, tight clothes and sexy heels. But that’s why these boys are here to set us straight, praise American Jesus. They’re just looking out for us, and if we could wrap our slutty ladybrains around what they’re telling us, we’d understand why they need our modesty. No, really. They need our modesty — probably because if we live virtuous and modest lives and don’t slut it up all over the place, we won’t realize how terrible they are in the sack. Just a guess.
Thanks for the virtue-and-fashion tips, fellas. I would totally follow it, but since I’m a Nice Jewish Girl who’s going to hell anyway, I figure when you convert me after I’m dead, it will wipe out all those times I strutted around in low-cut shirts anyway. Amen.