Mormon boy band thinks you're "so beautiful" when you don't dress like a whore

Hey, ladies, have you ever wondered what gets Mormon boys really super hot? I know I haven’t, and you probably haven’t, and neither have you over there rolling your eyes, but this Backstreet Boys-esque band of preppy white boys (plus one older black man because Mormons are totes into that diversity thing now) ripped off One Direction’s song “That’s What Makes You Beautiful” to boybandsplain it to us anyway. Hey, where are you going? Come back!

See, they do NOT like our short skirts. Oh no. And they do NOT like our low-cut shirts. Oh oh oh. And they definitely don’t like that one thing some of us can do with our ankles behind our heads. (Okay, that’s not in the song, I’m just guessing here.)

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No, these boys respect us SOOOOOOOOO much that they would like us to sit down and shut up and listen to what they are singing at us — because nothing says “I respect you, woman” like telling women they “must” believe what they’re being told—that you need to stop dressing all whore-y. See, “Girls with integrity are hard to find these days.”

Huh. Did you know that “integrity” meant “dresses in a full-body potato sack”? Probably not. You probably thought integrity was, like, a character thing, not a fashion thing, and that you can have integrity coming out of your virtue-maker even if you like to sometimes wear short, tight clothes and sexy heels. But that’s why these boys are here to set us straight, praise American Jesus. They’re just looking out for us, and if we could wrap our slutty ladybrains around what they’re telling us, we’d understand why they need our modesty. No, really. They need our modesty — probably because if we live virtuous and modest lives and don’t slut it up all over the place, we won’t realize how terrible they are in the sack. Just a guess.

Thanks for the virtue-and-fashion tips, fellas. I would totally follow it, but since I’m a Nice Jewish Girl who’s going to hell anyway, I figure when you convert me after I’m dead, it will wipe out all those times I strutted around in low-cut shirts anyway. Amen.

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  • edith prickly

    Older black guy appears to be there to keep everybody on key, because none of the white boys can carry a tune in a bucket. My ears!

    • JoyP

      And while we are at it, he’s the only one with a semblance of rhythm. Jesus, the dude in the black shirt pants and white shoes. Can it get any Mormon-y than that?

  • Lizzietish81

    Don’t give up hope Kali, I’ve seen many Orthodox Jewish Women who dress like these boys like. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind a little jungle fever…the kind that doesn’t involve blahs.

  • janecita

    Holy Fuck, that was so bad!! What a whole bunch of uncoordinated, white, pimply boys! Excuse me while I go rinse out my eye balls with bleach!

  • tegrat

    methinks they doth protest too much

  • axonneuron

    Good God this is horrible.

  • JoyP

    OK that’s three minutes of my life I cannot get back. I will never be able to hear the real song in the gym (yes, in the gym I do not have it on my iPhone) without this vision. I think I need an antacid.

  • Farb

    Are you implying that appropriate dress for a Mormonette once was used to transport potatoes?

  • Farb

    Mormons are so….so….clean. They make me feel….feel….dirty. I wanna go to live on a planet in outer space with the other new gods!

  • redarmyzombie

    And this is why I can never date a Mormon…

  • Alex Ruthrauff

    Needz moar sideboob.

  • Totes stealing “virtue maker.”

  • ganmerlad

    Subtext…”My future wife’s dowdiness directly reflects on me. What I actually find sexy about your lack of sexuality is the way it will benefit me personally and financially in church culture. If I want to get ahead in this racket, I need a potato sack wearing woman to impress my piety on other Mormon men. Unfortunately, with most Mormon females now deciding they are individuals who want to look better than a bag of potatoes, my chances of making it to bishop and elder are slipping away — so maybe a song will help.”

  • emikoala

    Worth pointing out that Mormons don’t believe in Hell. Just less glorious levels of Heaven where you are further from the Creator, who dwells with True Believers in the highest and most glorious level of Heaven.

  • Tess Stanley-Hannah

    Where the heck did that middle aged black man come from in the middle of that video? LOL

    • therealjeaniebeanie

      That’s Alex Boyer, Mormon celebrity and professional singer.