Mister T “The Playtown Mystery” (part 4 of 5)

The team nonchalantly walks out of the funhouse (like I said, by this point stuff like this probably doesn’t faze them in the least). Mayor Cokenstein drives up in a golf cart, falling over the front of it when she brakes, and ending up on the ground. She laughs it off and apologizes to T (calling him “Mr. B”), saying nothing like this has ever happened before. And if you can’t see the foreshadowing here, you really need to watch more Scooby Doo episodes. If you need another hint, Marvin keeps his mouse head on most of the time, while we’ve already seen Dingy’s face.

She says the computer must have broken down, still giggling by the way, and offers to make it up to them by getting them some ice cream. Yeah, because after a near death experience, I’m not satisfied with an apology unless it comes with some Rocky Road, damn it!

Caption contributed by Ed

You could learn a lot from a cokehead. Buckle your safety belt.

As she makes the offer, she gets into the golf cart, and in an amazing display of horsepower for a vehicle with a top speed of “Is this as fast as this piece of shit can go?”, she manages to reverse hard into the wall, which causes the funhouse sign to fall onto the cart.

Woody speaks for all of us here, though his understanding of the chain of command could use some work.

Woody: With a yo-yo like that running this place, no wonder there’s accidents!

Newsflash, Brainiac. She’s an honorary mayor, not the owner of the park.

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Spike says it was no accident, but as luck would have it (or plot contrivance, sometimes the two look similar) he can’t find the piece of fabric from Marvin’s costume. Jeff mocks Spike, asking if he’s going to get Dingy’s flea collar, and the little twit says he’ll show them all, walking off.

Jeff continues to mock him with a line about a mousetrap, and much laughter ensues. Yes, nothing like making your characters look like absolute dicks just to get across an obvious moral.

In the mine, Dingy is drilling away with the jackhammer. Marvin appears, saying they need a blasting cap and a transmitter, so he can give T and the others a “royal sendoff”. Dingy remarks that the blasting cap will wake up the entire park. What, is this place run by vampires? You’re in broad daylight! Marvin reassures him that it’s only a quarter charge.

Fade to the rollercoaster, with the team all in one car, conveniently enough. Jeff says, “I’m ready, let’s move this thing!” If it’s wrong to hope for something along the lines of Final Destination 3 to happen to Jeff, then I just don’t want to be right. The coaster starts up, and the team makes the usual “enjoyment noises” one hears when riding. And no, that’s not a setup for a filthy joke.

Marvin is at the foot of the rollercoaster with his transmitter, and if anyone is wondering why nobody is noticing this, bear in mind that the park appears to be three-quarters empty. Marvin blows out part of the track. Since this is an ‘80s Saturday morning cartoon, the explosion is minimal, at best. It’s barely a flash pot going off, so I guess the quarter charge could also be called “the pussy charge”, if one were so inclined.

Kim notices this, and points it out to Jeff and T. T tells them to stay put and mentions something about them giving him their belts, but I couldn’t quite make it out. Doesn’t matter in any case, because the team doesn’t really factor into this next bit too much.

T moves the safety bar up (I really hope it’s not that easy to do that in real life) and grabs a bar as they pass under it. He drops down on the track, balancing on one foot, and leaps down to the broken section of track, flipping on a bar as he goes. Hilariously enough, the track is way too small, proportionally speaking, so it looks like Mister T is the size of Andre the Giant here.

Caption contributed by Ed

I never knew Mr. T had the physical dexterity and grace of a ballet dancer.

Now, brace yourselves for this. He bends the broken section of track back into place, and leaps out of the way just in time as the car speeds past. Hanging from the track, he gets to a large pole, and slides down to safety where the team is waiting for him.

Important thing to remember when dealing with this series: Time has no meaning. It is merely a constant vibration of consciousness set forth by the law of the universe. Remember this when you bow before the lizard king, and don’t take the brown acid. Number nine; number nine; number nine.

Hey, if the episode is going to play out like a drug trip, why shouldn’t my jokes?

So, to recap for a moment: Mister T is such a badass he can punch out sharks, spin alligators over his head like they’re nothing, and bend steel with his bare hands. Kind of makes Chuck Norris look like just a really hairy guy who knows karate, doesn’t it?

Robin remarks how the place must be jinxed to have three accidents in one day. Woody asks if it’s just them (I’m thinking yeah, you guys do tend to be shit magnets), but Kim remarks that three more accidents and the place could be declared a national emergency. Well, actually she either says, “Three more like that mare” or “three more like that there” so I guess the ADR sessions ran too short for the actress to pronounce “nightmare” or “back there” coherently. See folks, this is why you shouldn’t write dialogue while on drugs. Even if English is your first language, you’ll come off sounding really dumb.

T wonders if Spike has been right all along. Jeff begins to argue, but then Mayor Cokenstein drives up in an ice cream truck. Well, okay, it’s an ice cream golf cart, but go with me here. She manages to stop the truck without injuring herself or others, and brays about it being “the park special”. Oh, I’m sure it’s very special, particularly if you snort it through a straw off a mirror.

Caption contributed by Ed

Insert your own joke about cocaine here.

Adding to the madness here is the ice cream itself. The top of the truck is open, revealing a huge mass of white. And you know what? This one time in the recap I’m not going to make a cocaine joke. The episode has just done it for me.

Some bit of garbled dialogue follows while she puts together some cones; all I could make out is “Dingy Dip” and “Marvin Munchie”, which opens up another drug joke opportunity. I’ll avoid it, and instead remark that there’s no difference at all between the cones, which means this woman is rather dense on top of being a spastic, uncoordinated junkie. Either that, or the animators were feeling really cheap.

Woody is eager to help (so sad when the youth of America turns to blow), but Mayor Cokenstein says she’s perfectly capable, and on that note she trips and falls face first into the ice cream. Suddenly, I’m reminded of that scene in Scarface where Pacino buries his face into a mountain of cocaine. Not sure why, though.

Woody ends up with cocaine, um, I mean ice cream cones on his head and shoulder, and Mayor Cokenstein says that there are “plenty more Marvins and Dingys where that came from.” This gets T to thinking.

Fade to Spike, as he and Dozer are walking through the park in their quest for the truth. Hey, the music is going dramatic on us, what do you want from me? Dozer finds some footprints, and Spike exclaims that they’ve “gotta be Dingy’s paw prints!” You know, I think Spike’s mother either dropped him on his head one time too many, or one time too few. Not sure which.

They follow the prints to the mine, and the noise instantly alerts Marvin and Dingy to their presence. Dozer finds a bag with tools in it (as opposed to the “tools” the poor mutt is forced to hang out with the rest of the time), and Spike wonders what Mr. T would do. Well, first off he’d probably scream, “I pity the fool!” and then throw some people around before doing something hilariously ludicrous that will make some smartass laugh himself silly 24 years from now.

Instead, Dozer growls and walks off, to which Spike replies eagerly, “Yeah, me too!” For Spike’s sake, I hope Dozer isn’t going around the corner to relieve himself.

Spike hears something, and suddenly Dingy is behind them. They run, but end up falling down an impressively deep hole into an underground lake. What the hell, is the park built that high above sea level? Spike and Dozer head for dry land, with Spike giving us this line in his Mr. T voice.

Spike: I pity those fools when Mr. T gets a hold of them!

Yes, Spike, and I pity you if T ever hears you doing that impression of him. Well, not really. I’d be laughing my ass off like everyone else while he beats the ever-loving shit out of you.

Suddenly, a huge crocodile surfaces. Well, that’s random. And yes, it is a croc. You can tell by the nose. Spike looks back several times before noticing the croc, and then it’s bearing down on them, looking uncannily like the poster from Jaws, and we head to commercial.

Caption contributed by Ed

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the sewer.

The croc looks similar to the one we saw at the beginning of the episode, but given the size difference, it’s definitely not the same one. Gators on the ground and crocs in the sewers? Where the hell is Robert Forster when you need him?

Back from break, Spike and Dozer are swimming (well, it looks like running, really) as the croc chases them. And with God as my witness, the greatest thing in the history of mankind, or at the very least, the history of Saturday morning television happens: the croc catches up and eats both of them!

Now there’s something you don’t see every day. Though the fact that the break came two seconds before a fade is somewhat weird.

Fade back to the park, where T exits the funhouse holding the scrap of costume. After pointing out the obvious fact that Spike was right all along, Robin states the even more obvious fact that “both Marvin and Dingy are bad guys!” It turns out they can’t find Spike anywhere, and Robin makes the wonderfully ironic statement that it’s like they were “just swallowed up!” Sister, you don’t know the half of it. If I may borrow a joke from Ron White, wouldn’t it be funny if Spike’s parents told him at one point he’d never be shit?

Ed Harris

A fan of less than great cinema since childhood, Ed divides his time between writing scripts, working an actual paying job and subjecting himself willingly to some of the worst films society has produced.

Multi-Part Article: Mister T "The Playtown Mystery"

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  • RadioChuck

    Nice voice work by the venerable June Foray as “Mayor Cokenstein”…oh, and loved the Tango & Cash reference on that one screencap!

    • edharris1178

       Thanks.  Glad to see this one is still being read.