Mister T “Mystery of the Mind Thieves” (part 5 of 5)

We pan across the “jet exhibit” until we focus on one very odd jet. I hesitate to even call it a jet, because it’s sitting upright, and has a rocket engine on its tail. Almost like, oh, I don’t know, a rocket? The Limo of Evil pulls up, and NWG yells out to ask if the plane is ready to go. Already sitting in the cockpit is one goon, still in his Rent-A-Cop uniform. He calls back that he can’t be sure that the plane will fly, since it’s been sitting on the ground for twenty years. So, why use it for their getaway in the first place? Why not find an aircraft of a more recent vintage? As you’d expect, their choice of vehicle will never be explained.

Mister T "Mystery of the Mind Thieves" (part 5 of 5)

Hey, I know this plane! It’s the Crapcorde!

Regardless, NWG and Nakamura climb a ladder to get inside. NWG mentions something about getting outside a “twelve mile limit”, and how once they’re past that limit and on their boat, “They can’t touch us!” Ah, okay. So it’s like an international waters type of thing? They’ll be safely outside of Mr. T’s jurisdiction, then?

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Just as they’re climbing inside the plane, the Magic Bus spontaneously appears. The bus heads directly for the jet as NWG yells at the pilot to start the engines. “Hang on!” T cries. “We gonna hit!” The rocket engine fires, but the Magic Bus comes along and rams the plane [!!]. Now, considering all the heat that should be coming off a rocket blast, the Magic Bus should be totally incinerated right about now. But somehow, this collision leaves the bus unharmed and stops the takeoff.

Mister T "Mystery of the Mind Thieves" (part 5 of 5)

Once you’ve completely divorced yourself from reality, stuff like this is nothing.

One goon exposits that the plane is un-flyable now, so they pop the cockpit hatch. The two goons then jump out of the plane, landing on the roof of the Magic Bus [?] before they take off running. But crime still does not pay, which we quickly learn when the young gymnasts and their dog jump out of the back of the bus and give chase.

Meanwhile, Mr. T watches as NWG descends the ladder. He says, “Come on, big shot! Take me on now! My brain is sane and I’ll cause you some pain!” Oh yeah. That line is going straight into Bartlett’s The Quotable Mr. T for sure. NWG tries to run away from T, only to come face to face with Kim. Kim grabs NWG by the lapels and demands to know what happened to her dad. She sees NWG’s face and cries, “You!” Yes, who could it be, I wonder. I can’t deal with all this anticipation.

Mister T "Mystery of the Mind Thieves" (part 5 of 5)

“Wait, this jacket is Bill Blass! Do Bill Blass wear a jacket with your name on it?”

NWG flings Kim against the plane and continues running. And this actually causes the plane to begin wobbling back and forth [!]. So, let’s see. A big tour bus barrels into the plane, and it’s fine. A ninety pound gymnast gets hurled against it, and the whole thing is in danger of tipping over. Makes sense to me.

Meanwhile, one of the Rent-A-Cop goons is caught by Woody and Jeff, who do a not-so-daring flip off the wing of a jet. The other goon hides behind a plane tire, only to find Spike there waiting for him. Spike growls, “You comin’ quietly, or do I have to get rough?” The goon shoves him away and says, “Don’t make me laugh, you little brat!” Oh, don’t worry, Mr. Goon. There’s very little chance of his antics making anyone laugh.

However, Spike uses this opportunity to trip the goon, who lands on the ground and ends up face to face with the growling Dog. “On second thought,” the goon says, “Maybe I’ll come quietly!” Because without a doubt, there is no sight that inspires greater fear than a dog with a Mohawk.

Meanwhile, the plane is still about to tip over, with Kim stretched out unconscious underneath it. Um, where is Mr. T while all of this is going on? NWG runs up [?], even though he was running away just ten seconds ago, and calls out to Daddy Nakamura to toss his briefcase down and “then follow me!”

Daddy tosses the case and heads down, but sees his daughter underneath the jet. NWG tells him to “forget the girl”, but Daddy cries, “I can’t-uh leave her! She’s my daughter!” He then screams, “No! I won’t let her die! You can’t make me!” He leaps down, picks up Kim, and carries her out of the way just as the jet falls. And in another boneheaded animation choice, he actually carries her off in the same direction that the jet is falling in.

Mister T "Mystery of the Mind Thieves" (part 5 of 5)

“Actually, laziness is awesome! Forget all that stuff I said about stayin’ in school!”

Anyway, the jet comes crashing down, and then we cut to Mr. T just standing around [?] and stroking his beard. Is he on his coffee break, or what? He walks offscreen, and NWG jumps down from inside some plane’s landing gear. NWG runs off, just in time to run right into Robin, who literally hurls herself into him and sends his briefcase flying. Papers scatter everywhere, and Mr. T, satisfied that everyone else has done all the ass kicking for him, comes up to calmly pull off NWG’s mask. Yep, of all things, they’ve decided to rip-off the Scooby Doo Ending. Which is a pretty bad call, because even your typical Scooby Doo episode is less predictable than this.

Mister T "Mystery of the Mind Thieves" (part 5 of 5)

“Yes! I knew I wasn’t feedin’ Robin no Scooby Snacks for nothing!”

Sure enough, it’s Dr. Yarbey. No way! Robin says, “So he… was really a she!” T yanks a choker off Dr. Yarbey’s neck and says, “Yeah! She used this gizmo to disguise her voice! Makin’ people think she was a man!” And the way he says it, you almost expect him to add, “Transgenderism? That’s whack!”

Robin then decides to rifle through the scattered papers, finding among them information about Project Pegasus, which we finally learn is the “most advanced unmanned space probe yet designed!” For no reason whatsoever, Mr. T lifts Yarbey up in the air by her collar [!]. Now, that’s just excessive at this point. T says, “Uh-huh! Seems Yarbey was gonna hand over the project to some foreign pow-uh! Not only the plans, but Dr. Harper, and Mr. Nakamura too!” Wow, Mr. T deduced all of this on his own? Now all he has to do is learn how to correctly pronounce the word “chains”, and he’ll finally be recognized as the genius he really is.

Mister T "Mystery of the Mind Thieves" (part 5 of 5)

“Chokers went out with punk, fool!”

Yarbey says, “My mind control compound was foolproof, ’til you interfered!” I’m not sure what “foolproof” means in her world, but when people can overcome your mind control purely by sheer force of will, I’d say there’s a slight flaw in the formula. She says, “You must think you’re real smart, don’t you?”

“Nahhhh,” T replies. “I just think you’re real dumb!” [!!] But not yo’ momma! Because I ain’t callin’ nobody’s momma dumb! Because without momma, you wouldn’t be here!

Mr. T points to Kim and Daddy Nakamura hugging in front of the smoldering wreckage of the jet, and informs Yarbey, “You should have known there was somethin’ stronger than your formula! Love! Maybe you can control somebody’s mind, but you’ll never control their heart!” We pan across everybody standing around, then focus on some random jet [?] in the background as we fade out.

Mister T "Mystery of the Mind Thieves" (part 5 of 5)

“Help me out, kids! Mr. T can’t find no bathroom on this campus!”

And finally, here comes the live-action T to wrap it all up and tell us what we’ve learned. This time, he’s on a nondescript stairway. “Get the picture? Kim was so busy feelin’ sorry for herself, she didn’t see that her father was in trouble! Good thing she opened her eyes in time! ‘Coz if she didn’t, she would have never found the clue that saved him!”

I’m still not getting the picture, so thankfully T adds in this part: “So when you get yo’ feelin’s hurt by somebody you love, think a minute! ‘Fore you cry and moan about yo’ own feelin’s! Because the person you love might be the one who’s really hurtin’! Take it from me! Mr. T!”

And there you have it, two of the very first episodes of Mister T. I lucked out on eBay and scored a pair of discs with 24 episodes on them, so you have a lot more Mr. T to look forward to. (Or dread, depending on how much of a pitiable fool you happen to be.) And considering it’s taken me two years to review five episodes of Star Trek, I can only conclude that I’ll still be reviewing Mister T come the year 2015. It’s gonna be one abso-ludicrous decade!

Multi-Part Article: Mister T "Mystery of the Mind Thieves"
TV Show: Mister T

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