Apr 30, 2020
Megyn Kelly Knows White Santa Is Real, Has Serious Doubts About Women’s ‘Health’
You know why we can’t have nice things? Today, the reason is Megyn Kelly, the beloved hard-hitting journamalist of Fox “News,” who for some reason my brain cannot comprehend is golden-showered with praise every time she opens her mouth and says something that is remotely accurate.
Today, however, is not one of those days. Today, Megyn is the reason we can’t have nice things. Thanks to our friends at Media Matters, who watch Fox “News” so we don’t have to, we have this un-freakin’-believable display of stupid, in which Megyn discusses the Democratic bill, the Women’s Health Protection Act, with Patricia Ireland, former president of the National Organization for Women, and a goddamned saint, as far as I’m concerned, because she never once screamed at Megyn, “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY THAT DUMB, MEGYN?” (The answer is yes. Yes she is.)
Megyn opens with a clip of Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-Naturally) talking about an ultrasound image of her grandchild, all sleepy and childlike in the womb. “Our Constitution does not put a qualifier on life,” she says, which is a fair point, and even an accurate one (shocker!), but it would a much better argument if so many “pro-lifers” didn’t believe that the Constitution does put a qualifier on life, which is why it is American as apple pie to kill a convicted criminal. But hell, I can’t even get mad at Marsha Blackburn for being Marsha Blackburn because it gets SO. MUCH. WORSE.
MEGYN KELLY: The critics say, this is basically going to open the door on late term abortions, because the bill would allow late term abortions nationally, if necessary not just to save the mother’s life, but to save the mother’s “health.”
In case you can’t bring yourself to listen to Megyn Kelly’s voice — and who could blame you? — yes, she does make those sarcastic air quotes with the word “health.” Like, duh, “health” is so not a real thing, everyone knows that. During a presidential debate In 2008, in response to a question about abortion, John McCain used those very same sarcastic-because-we-know-health-isn’t-a-REAL-thing air quotes to say “health of the mother,” as in, oh come on, exceptions to abortion bans for the “health of the mother” are so unnecessary and absurd because “that’s been stretched by the pro-abortion movement in America to mean almost anything.” Because “pro-lifers” are absolutely convinced that while abortion will give you breast cancer and make you go psycho, there are no health risks to pregnancy, so any woman who wants to terminate a pregnancy because of her “health” is a liar. As are all doctors who inform patients, based on their medical expertise, that a woman’s health is jeopardized by a pregnancy. That’s just “pro-abortion” silly talk. So typical of women. Sigh.
And let us not forget, as if we could, that in the Hobby Lobby decision — yes, I am still mad about that; no, I am never going to stop being mad about that — the Supreme Court said the idea that accessible, affordable contraception is good for “public health” is so broad and, let’s face it, not a real thing, that it too deserved those mocking quotes.
Anyway, back to Megyn, who has a long record of being godfuckingawful at everything, despite the media swooning over her like she is some kind of real journalist because she recently GRILLED! and DESTROYED! Dick Cheney by reciting to him some basic facts he got wrong about Iraq, which she likely picked up from some dirty basement-dwelling liberal blogger type who’s kept track of this sort of thing since before it was cool. Yeah, it was a real Edward R. Murrow moment (that is sarcasm), so let’s forget all of her other Murrowisms. Like the time she tried to explain that Mitt Romney’s debate performance in 2012 was not pitifully pitiful, and Obama is a big fat lying liar who lies, because “declaring something an act of terror doesn’t mean you’re declaring it a terrorist attack.”
Or the time she reported that Santa is White, kids, as was Jesus, that is just a FACT.
Or the time she whined that a certain president is a ball-less sack because he does not care for the constant barrage of fiction spewed from the derpholes on Fox “News” about Obama, and why can’t he be a “REAL MAN” like George W. Bush?
Or the time she … fuck it, I don’t have all day and neither do you, so let’s return to Megyn’s really excellent journamalism on women’s “health.” Saint Patricia tries to explain to Megyn that the Women’s Health Protection Act would put an end to nonsense restrictions on women’s access to abortion that “don’t promote women’s health and safety.” Because, see, “Women’s health is important, and if in the good faith determination of a doctor, a woman’s health is at risk, then she ought to be able to have an abortion.”
That sounds reasonable and not too difficult to understand, which is why Megyn cannot understand it.
KELLY: OK. The controversy there is that some women abused that when it was allowed and would get a doctor to say, yes, her health requires a late term abortion. And then this happened in the case of Dr. Tiller, who wound up murdered, that he was providing late term abortions based on “health concerns,” [yes, she really does make air quotes when she says that] when you had a viable fetus, a baby, growing in the third trimester. And no one really wants to return to those days, Patricia, do they?
It really makes you wonder how Fox “News” is so good at finding on-air bobbleheads so skilled at cramming so much stupid into just a few sentences. Does HR have a bot that scans résumés for that? Proficient in WordPerfect, can use interwebs OK, excellent ability to cram much stupid into few words.
Every single one of Megyn’s sentences is so painfully all kinds of wrong, I am required by law to unpack it like an English 101 student. Here we go.
1. Some women “abuse” access to late-term abortions. Um, Megyn? Have you been sipping your hair bleach again? How do women “abuse” abortion? Do they tie it to a chair and say “You are a naughty abortion” and give it a spanking? Or is it like a drug, and women need a 12-step program so they can kick the abortion habit? Or maybe, Megyn, you are just A Idiot. Yeah, let’s go with that.
2. “And then this happened in the case of Dr. Tiller, who wound up murdered, that he was providing late term abortions based on health concerns, when you had a viable fetus, a baby, growing in the third trimester.”
I do not even know where to start with this. Dr. Tiller wound up murdered? Like how sometimes you order a Coke but you wind up with a Pepsi? Gosh, life is weird like that, isn’t it? I guess sometimes you can be providing health care to women, la la la, and then just wind up murdered one day, oops. This is a thing Megyn seems to believe and also, it sure seems like she’s suggesting this never would have happened if Dr. Tiller weren’t practicing medicine, so it kinda sorta seems like she thinks he was basically asking for it, I guess the way some women are just asking to be raped if they go outside of their homes in clothes ever.
No, Megyn, sweetheart, that’s not how it happened. Dr. Tiller was assassinated in his church by a “pro-life” zealot. This was after his clinic was bombed, after he survived a prior assassination attempt, and after Megyn’s colleague Bill O’Reilly devoted hours of his time on Fox “News” to calling him “Dr. Tiller the baby killer.” (Bill O’Reilly is also real good at journamalism. That is why he won all those Peabody awards, except that he did not, but whatever.)
Also, it is real neat how Megyn suggests Dr. Tiller was breaking the law and helping women “abuse” abortions like that is a thing, even though that is not true. We know for a fact that it is not true because despite the years-long efforts of former Kansas Attorney General Phill Kline to prosecute Dr. Tiller for illegal abortions, Dr. Tiller was acquitted of all such bogus trumped-up charges. But hey, you know who turned out to be the real criminal? Phill Kline, whose license to practice law has been indefinitely suspended because of all the shady, unethical things he did in his mission to destroy Dr. Tiller, including — what a coincidence! — leaking private information, including medical records, to Bill O’Reilly as “evidence” that Dr. Tiller was a “baby killer.” Perhaps if Megyn got her news from a place that was not Fox, she would know that.
3. “And no one really wants to return to those days, Patricia, do they?” What days would those be, MEGYN? The days before Dr. Tiller was murdered, when he was risking his life every goddamned day to provide health care to women? Yeah, who wants to return to those days, right?
Megyn has already ruined my whole week with all her stupid, but she’s not done, she’s going to ruin next week too.
In Tiller’s state, in Kansas, they had to have two certifying doctors that the woman’s health justified the abortion of the viable fetus, a baby that’s in there, PERFECTLY healthy, by the way, perfectly healthy baby, could have been eight months along, yawning, kicking its feet, sucking its thumb, could be aborted because the mother got Dr. Tiller and somebody else, or any other two medical professionals, to say she needed it.
Um. UM. UM WHAT THE FUCK? Is it possible that Megyn Kelly, who has been pregnant her own self, does not understand that a viable thumb-sucking fetus can pose a threat to a woman’s health? Sorry, “health”? Is it really such a mind-boggling concept — like how does the tide go in and out, who even knows? — that a doctor can use his magical doctor powers to determine a woman’s health is endangered by a pregnancy, even if the fetus is sucking its thumb? That the health of the fetus and the health of the woman carrying said fetus can actually be two different things, how is that even possible? I guess when Megyn was pregnant, she never even went to a doctor because it’s not like she would be concerned about her “health” during her pregnancy. That is the obvious conclusion, right? RIGHT?
Saint Patricia tries very calmly to explain again and again and again to Megyn how, see, it is legal for a woman to have an abortion because that is the legal law, dumbass, and also too women should be allowed to make their own health care decisions with their doctors and basically that is it, no one else, not politicians or the dumbshits on Fox who think White Santa and White Jesus are FACTS but “health” is some kind of liberal hoax like gravity.
But because Megyn is not as smart as Saint Patricia, or a box of hammers, she simply cannot understand this concept of “health.” Saint Patricia says that in making such health care decisions, she does not think “politicians have a place in there.” To which Megyn responds — and yes, I think she is actually serious — “Does the baby have a place in there?”
Yes, Megyn, excellent point. When a pregnant woman goes to her doctor and her doctor says, “I am so sorry, ma’am, but this pregnancy is extremely risky for you and poses a serious threat to your health,” the way it should work, see — after the doctor allows all of Congress to finish its own examination of the woman, of course, to make its own recommendations — is that the doctor should bend down to the woman’s stomach and says, “Hey, you, little viable baby in there, what do you think? Should your mother proceed with her risky pregnancy that might kill her? Suck your thumb for yes, yawn for no.”
Does that sound stupid? It should because it is. It is stupid and wrong, and if we have to argue about whether women’s “health” is even a real thing, we are in some seriously deep shit right here in the U.S. of America. No wonder judges think it’s no big to arbitrarily decide that employers’ religious beliefs trump women’s health when apparently, we do not have consensus in this country that women even have “health.” We can probably look forward to the day when employers try to exempt themselves from covering women’s health care at all because they watch Fox “News,” and they sincerely believe that while boner pills are TOTALLY health care, women don’t need no stinkin’ health care on account of how the existence of women’s “health” is debatable.
Ugh. UGH. You see? This is why we cannot have nice things. And this is why I am going to go drink what’s left of Megyn’s bleach until the pain stops. I’m not worried about whether drinking bleach might be bad for my health, since, what with being a woman and all, it’s not like my “health” is a real thing anyway.
Follow Kaili Joy Gray on Twitter. For your “health.”