May 15, 2019
Galavant RECAP: Maybe You're Not the Worst Thing Ever (S1:E1-2)
“Your frigid and demanding, I shudder at your call.
Whenever you come near me, my skin begins to crawl.
But sometimes there are moments, I’m not repelled at all.
Maybe, you’re not the worst thing ever.”
So says the final song of the first of two episodes of ABC’s Galavant, an eight-part medieval musical miniseries conveniently squatting in Once Upon a Time’s time slot over the next few weeks. They also pretty much embody my feelings toward the series pilot in general.
Although there were some genuine moments of laugh-out-loud funny, this sitcom gets bogged down by a mish-mash of other ho-hum stuff like a tired musical training montage, a forced will they/won’t they/obviously they will love-hate relationship between the lead and his “princess in distress,” and a few winking Game of Thrones references.
(And don’t even get me started on the Galavant-inspired singing commercials we had to endure throughout the hour. If I never hear anyone sing a song about ABC’s Revenge again for as long as I live, it will be too soon . . . although I suspect I will . . . probably as early as next week.)
On a lighter note, the Evil King is my absolute favorite! Is it terrible that I’m genuinely 100% rooting for the bad guy to win in this one?
So, get on your high horses, raise your swords high, and try not to get gravy on your tummy flowers, because it’s time to gallop into the weird, wacky world of Galavant . . .
“Yay! He Ruled in Every Way. A Fairytale Cliche!”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Once upon a time, there lived a handsome and brave hero, who everybody loved and thought was super hot . . .
Wait . . . I’m getting to the original part. He fell in love with a maiden, who was also kind of hot. And the beguiling pair had lots and lots of primetime television-approved sex to music, which basically means they amorously laid on top of one another in bed fully clothed, before the screen faded to black . . .
Patience please! Then, a powerful king, who was a bit older than those two, and not quite as hot, but way richer and, by default, evil, came to town and kidnapped the fair maiden, who he wanted to force to be his bride and queen.
You know you’re really starting to piss me off. And I was nice and didn’t even mention everyone singing about the hero’s giant balls.
Now, I’m continuing just to spite you. So Galavant rides to the king’s castle to rescue his maiden . . .
And it takes him so long to get to the castle (he must have a REALLY slow horse) that he arrives just in time for his lady love’s wedding to the Evil King.
Actually, this is where things get interesting. Or at least, they would be interesting, if you hadn’t seen the promo for this show, which pretty much spoiled the best part of this episode. So, anyway, the hero, Galavant, arrives at the wedding, and he makes this big grand speech to his maiden (whose name is Madalena, by the way) about how he’s going to rescue her from this terrible marriage because love is more important than fame and fortune.
And that’s when our maiden looks deep into our hero’s sexy eyes and . . . dumps his ass HARD!
“Sorry you had to travel all this way. Do you want gas money?”
“It’s Time to Do Some Serious Hero-ing!”
Fast forward to one-year later. Galavant is miserable and depressed. He’s drinking like a frat boy. He’s stopped showering almost entirely. And his table manners have totally gone to seed.
Galavant has really let himself go. Of course, not enough that he no longer looks like a slightly swarthier version of an Abercrombie and Fitch model, because fat and ugly don’t sell singing ad revenue. But, for the purposes of this recap, we’ll suspend reality and pretend that, at least for this portion of the episode, Galavant looks like this . . .
At least the peasants don’t have to sing about his groin anymore.
Enter Princess Lots-of-Last-Names, who wants to wake Galavant out of his sloth-like slumber so he can rescue her kingdom’s big ole green crown jewel and save her kingdom from the rule of an evil tyrant. And I bet you’ll never guess who that tyrant is . . .
That’s right, it’s Evil Dick, obviously . . .
“Galavant Is Just Complete Perfection. Gal Would Never Lose His . . . TEMPER.”
Back at the castle, Madalena wants Princess Lots-of-Last-Names’ jewel and orders King Richard to find it for her. When he refuses, she pouts and claims that Galavant would needlessly invade a neighboring kingdom for her just so she can have something to add to her Tiffany collection.
King Richard sings a number about all the violent ways he wants to kill Galavant and how tired he is of his balls from being perpetually Cookie Monster-colored . . .
But Madalena isn’t around to be won over by his impressive choreography . . . so King Richard decides he’ll have to find the big ole green jewel to secure her love.
I’m sorry, ladies. This guy is just ten times more awesome than Galavant. How could you not root for him?
What King Richard doesn’t know is that Queen Madalena, who uses her so-called overwhelming lust for her lost Galavant as an excuse to keep her legs closed to her husband, is busy schtupping the hot jester who doubles as the series’ singing narrator.
What Queen Madalena doesn’t know is that King Richard already has Princess Lots-of-Last-Names in his back pocket and she’s agreed to lure Galavant to the castle so King Richard can kill him.
All of this basically means Galavant is actually walking straight into a Big Ole Trap.
Go, Evil Dick, GO! Errr . . . I mean . . .
Oh no! Long Live Galavant . . . or something . . .
“Oh Poop! I Got Gravy on My Tummy Flowers.”
As we begin our second half-hour, Galavant and King Dick are both preparing for battle. King Dick is learning how to be “manly” from his Loveable Grizzly Bear henchman Gareth so he can: (1) inevitably start to please Madalena in the sack and (2) not fall on the floor crying like a weinie when Galavant inadvertently steps on his toe as they duel one another during the inevitable Season Finale . . .
Galavant is getting back into fighting form so that he can:
(1) Win the $10,000 jousting prize from the Town of Hell (not Winterfell, which is just down the road from Hell!) . . . thereby earning him enough money to continue his journey without forfeiting Princess Lots-of-Last-Names’ hideous green crown jewel, and . . .
(2) Continue to sing all of these interminable songs for the next four weeks without getting too out of breath.
Competing with Galavant for the $10,000 prize is Uncle Jesse from Full House, who plays a character called Sir Jean Hamm . . .
. . . which is funny because . . . Jon Hamm . . .
. . . but also because . . . Uncle Jesse . . .
Cue the obligatory montage of Princess Lots-of-Last-Names training Galavant to be a jousting champion to the tune of awful Eye of the Tiger type music . . . a scene, which, I’ll admit, I may have dozed off during, at least until this happened and I woke right up . . .
(Hey, just because I said I don’t like cliches doesn’t mean they don’t occasionally cause me to pant like an overheated dog and drool into my bowl of Froot Loops.)
And that was how, in the course of less than half an episode, Galavant went from being pretend-fat and smelly to actually wet and yummy.
Shirtless Slo-Mo Water Sequence notwithstanding, Princess-Lots-of-Last-Names was still skeptical as to whether Galavant would actually be able to beat Jean Hamm at jousting. So, as a precaution, she conveniently manages to get the latter drunk on absinthe just moments before the battle . . .
As a result of his date with the green fairy, Poor Uncle Jesse starts spewing some super colorful vomit all over the jousting field.
This ends up being a really good thing, because, as it turns out, Galavant has massively over trained and is now too stiff to move his arms or legs. To get an idea of what the jousting match that results between these two debilitated warriors looks like, picture your 93-year-old grandmother fighting a garden gnome . . .
Galavant and Hamm are both knocked from their horses almost immediately. And Galavant only wins the match because he happens to manage to get up first. Um. Hooray?
And so, Episode 2 of Galavant ends much like it began . . . with Galavant, his loyal squire, and Princess-Lots-of-Last-Names gamely riding toward the Evil King’s Castle . . .
And the Evil King and Madelena at a dinner table singing “Maybe You’re Not the Worst Thing Ever” . . . and eating chicken . . . lots and lots of chicken. I’ve honestly never watched a sitcom where more chicken was consumed. Is Purdue, perhaps, a sponsor of this show?
Well, that’s it, basically.
Until next time, Galavantians!