Masters Of Sex Recap: Nobody Gets What They Want
We ended last weeks’ Masters of Sex with the biggest cocktease ever: a naked Lizzy Caplan coming on to Bill Masters. Will we get satisfaction this week?
Aww, yeah. We open with Masters atop Johnson, hooked up to their machines. It does not look sexy, you guys, It looks kind of grim. Maybe not grim. Just focused. In the wrong way. Even when he’s having sex WITH LIZZY CAPLAN DAMMIT Masters can’t stop looking at the machines.
Well, that was not terribly successful. Masters gets off, but Johnson clearly doesn’t, which requires Johnson to explain to robot Masters that the missionary position is not the bestest for ladies – or at least her particular lady-ness – to come. Johnson notes that they can switch up their study so that to check out how well various positions work, which leads to Masters clinically and awkwardly saying that he and Virginia could continue their participation in the study as well. Bill, you silver-tongued devil. No wonder you get all the ladies.
Remember last week when Doctor Langham learned that his equipment worked just fine and dandy when he had sex with Allison Janney aka Mrs. Scully aka his boss, the provost’s, wife? This week let’s have them awkwardly run into each other at a bar where Mrs. Scully is sitting alone while the provost plays poker in another room.
There’s a race for both to apologize for…calling? not calling? Wanting to again? Not wanting to again? Mrs. Scully lets Langham know she’s interested in the most adorable way possible by informing him that the provost is headed to a conference in NYC and hates hotel food and perhaps Langham could recommend some restaurants for her husband to check out while he’s there? It’s a trifling moment, but it encapsulates pretty perfectly the bind a 1950s woman would be in when trying to communicate about something like this. How do you talk about sex when you’re never supposed to talk about sex?
Daughter Scully Vivian is still sleeping with Haas, and he is not being a dick at all about it. What gives, Dr. Haas? Has his incredible Virginia Johnson itch finally been scratched by another lady? Hrmm. He’s lied to Vivian about why he needs to leave early. He spouts off some medical mumbo-jumbo but what he’s really doing is helping Virginia shop for a car. Soooo, it isn’t at all clear if he’s being a lying still-obsessed-with Virginia jerk or just doing her a favor, but either way the lying will probably come back to bite you in the ass, dude.
Masters is interviewing a young couple about how they’re failing to make a baby, and in doing so they explain that they’ve been trying by fucking a few times a night in a variety of exotic positions because they read the Kama Sutra. You can practically see gears start turning inside Masters’ skull. How can he make use of these sex machines?
Haas is going to cosign Virginia’s loan for her new old car because she needs a male cosigner because single women can’t get loans and oh, fuck you 1950s. The secrets are piling up for Haas…lying to girlfriend, probably not telling girlfriend he loaned money to old flame…
When Johnson arrives at the hospital, she what seems to be the latest in a long string of secretaries that Masters is now terrorizing since she isn’t his secretary anymore. He’s mad at this one for filing things alphabetically. You’re a prince among men, Bill Masters. He tries to make Virginia be his secretary again and thankfully she tells him to go hang.
Oh hey, Dr. Haas. Nice to see you again so soon. What’s that? You’re engaging in super secret talks with Masters’ wife because she wants to try for a baby again but doesn’t want Masters to know they’re trying for a baby again? She wants Haas to use Bill’s frozen sperm to knock her up, but not tell Masters. Good plan! We’re mocking, but this is so sad. Libby wants a baby so that Masters notices her and will stay with her. And no, that’s not us going all dimestore psychology. That’s what she actually says. Haas agrees, reluctantly, to help her, but reminds her this only works if she has sex on the regular with Haas.
We’re maximizing the secrets and lies of this episode as we see Dr. Langham arrive bearing gifts for Mrs. Scully while Provost Scully rolls up in what we is, we assume, a 1950s gay cruising hotspot. It’s lonely and maximum sad, and it only gets worse when someone who appears to be hitting on Scully instead pulls him out of the car so that he and two friends can beat the shit out of Scully for cruising. His regular rentboy arrives in time to send the thugs packing and tries to drive Scully to a hospital because he is bleeding an absurd amount from a slice to the ribs. Scully won’t go, because this is all happening back home in St. Louis and he can’t show up sliced and beaten in a hospital at home. The entire NYC trip, it seems, was cover for time with the blackmailing rentboy. Gah. The only thing sadder than the way this era treats women is the way they treat the gays.
Back at the Scully casa, Langham is chilling in the provost’s chair, wearing the provost’s glasses, reading the provost’s paper.
Kinda weird, dude. Yes, you’re fucking his wife, but you’re not turning into the provost.
Masters and Johnson are interviewing each other so that they can formally enter the study, because this isn’t awkward at all. Does Bill need emotional attachment for the best sexing? Yep. Does Virginia? Not even a bit. But it all works out when they make their way through a wide variety of positions that much more successful than last time. Masters unbends enough, post sex, to ask Johnson if she’d like to go get a meal.
Ouch. The phone rings, and while Masters was canoodling with Johnson, his wife was at home making him a hot dish dinner that has a potato chip topping, people:
…because of how he promised he’d be home for an evening with her. She’s also still referring to him as “Daddy” which is the creepiest thing ever, but we digress. And we just know in our heart of hearts that she’s waiting at home for sexytime so that she can make it look like he’s made another baby with her, but Masters is likely going to be unable to do so having just gone several rounds with Virginia. Embarrassment of riches, fella.
On his way out the door, there’s a random clatter and Masters checks it out and finds the provost cleaning out his own serious wound so that he can avoid going to the hospital. As Masters fixes him up, Scully spins a tale of how he was parked in a bad neighborhood while planning his trip to New York and blah blah blah. Masters mercifully cuts him off and tells him he knows full well where he was and why he won’t go to the hospital. Masters gives him a stern talking to about Scully is wrecking his life and everything he’s built at the university AND how his family won’t stand beside him. Masters, you are a sympathetic fucking ray of golden sun.
Oh, shit! Scully is not in New York, which means Scully is probably heading home to where Langham and his wife are fucking. Yep. Scully’s home. People, this is what happens when no one tells the truth. Mrs. S sends Scully off packing to his own bedroom, which would be totally evil but for the fact that he’s been ignoring her forever.
Masters is home late and obviously isn’t going to be able to explain why he’s late. Libby is that kind of biting drunk that only a good martini will give you.
This isn’t going to go well. She’s drunk, she’s horny, and he’s utterly uninterested. Also, too, he shames her for being drunk and tells her he’s going to put on coffee. Wouldn’t a doctor know that coffee isn’t going to sober someone up, or did we not learn that until like the 1960s?
Scully household breakfast. Scully is pretending there’s nothing amiss, and Mrs. S. is having none of it. NONE OF IT. She wants a fight because dude, she was with another man, in his house. Why isn’t he bothered? Ohhhh…she thinks it is because he is seeing other women since he hasn’t touched her in six years. SIX YEARS. He’s able to deny that he’s done any such thing, even with all the late night sneaking around and fake conferences because he can just not tell her about the whole into guys part. Besides being a fucking liar, Scully is breaking her heart, and why the hell would you break Allison Janney’s heart? She’s crying and begging him: If he’s not with other women, why doesn’t he want her?
Please just tell her. Please.
He doesn’t tell her.
Virginia has found a new secretary, and it is Jane, she of the sexy sex study.
She’s chipper and competent as fuck. Take that, Masters.
Libby swings by the office looking fantastic but also, too, hung over. She’d like to ask Virginia about why Bill is coming home so late and always so tired and Libby would like special time with Bill and oh so awkward. Virginia tells Libby she will make sure Bill gets home sooner and less exhausted, which causes Masters to go on a pissy little rant about sacrificing your self for science and Jonas Salk and dude you are not sacrificing anything you are banging Lizzy Caplan.
Virginia isn’t going to have sexytime with Bill if it affects his marriage, which means she’s doing some Lysistrata until he and Libby are getting it on again. They both run into Haas on the way out and they might as well have both yelled WE ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER at him for how obvious it is.
Bill goes home to sleep with his wife with what we can only assume is the pent-up wanting of Virginia and Mrs. S. goes out with Langham with all the pent-up wanting of at least six years.
Hahaha we forgot that Langham is seeing a psychiatrist. He’s running through a short-ish laundry list of his sex partners to explain how he doesn’t have a thing for older women or mommy issues because he just likes women. He is sad because he’s just out to bang the provost’s wife, complete with how the whole being that close to the seat of power thing makes him hard, but she feels radically changed by it, overjoyed by it. Poor, poor Dr. Langham. Fuck you, Dr. Langham. He’s just having no fun at all. Wahhh.
Oh, the analyst is Cameron from Ferris Bueller, by the way.
He looks old. We feel old. We also hate Dr. Langham even more than before, because now he is hurting Allison Janney.
Haas is having some sort of come clean time with Vivian that involves him explaining how Virginia – an unnamed Virginia – broke his heart because she wouldn’t spend the night. Dude, you fucked her a few times. You didn’t date. She wasn’t your girlfriend. She didn’t love you. Hell, Masters has probably racked up more sack time with her by now. Grow up.
Speaking of sack time with Virginia, Masters already has a position planned for the evening. The rocking horse, in case you were wondering. It’s quite successful.
Since the show never lets you leave with one last twist at your heart, we don’t end there. Instead, we see Virginia asking Masters if he’d like to eat a meal and review the data they’ve just enthusiastically generated, but he’s headed out to a late dinner with his wife while Virginia sits alone.