The Day Everything Changed: Maria Bartiromo Will Make Sweet Love To Wall Street On Different Network

JP Morgan made money! What's a bit of bribery?CNBC Teevee Lady Maria Bartiromo is departing the Wall Street-fellating network that’s been her home for 20 years so that she can lick the bronze bull’s balls at rival Fox Business Network instead. Bartiromo recently got a bit of attention beyond the insular world of financial cable teevee when she mocked the very idea that JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon should be fired over record SEC fines and a little bit of bribery in China, because why would mere legal malfeasance be a reason to fire a CEO who’s raking in huge profits?

Alex Pareene, commie upstart and Wonkette alumnus, describes how CNBC’s financial “news” programs operate and how he came to prompt Bartiromo into the visual spit-take above:


I was on to be one side of an argument about Jamie Dimon, the chairman, president and chief executive officer of JPMorgan Chase and Co. I was arguing “against.” I was up against business reporter Duff McDonald, arguing “for.” Except I was actually, really, up against “Closing Bell” co-hosts Maria Bartiromo and Other Guy (OK, he is Scott Wapner, apparently), who, as CNBC anchors, rather openly and proudly consider themselves allies of the great men of Wall Street. And Dimon is generally considered the greatest …

JPMorgan has been and is being investigated for foreclosure fraud, Libor manipulation, an attempted coverup of the trading losses of the so-called “London Whale,” for possibly knowing about Madoff and not actually doing anything about him, and, as I mentioned on TV, for bribery in China. That one seemed to anger and confuse Maria Bartiromo, but I can assure her and everyone else that it’s not a crazy thing some Occupy hippie alleged in a pamphlet, or the Nation.

Bartiromo’s shocked “Oh, the New York Times!” handwave was nicely skewered by Jon Stewart — after all, if you want reliable news, you need to read the Wall Street Journal.

And now, the same Aussie expat who owns the Wall Street Journal just bought Maria Bartiromo, too. Vertical integration is cool!

So really, that’s about all we have to say about this Maria Bartiromo character, except to add that Joey Ramone knew who he trusted for some prime Wall Street stroking:

[Reuters / Salon / WaPo]

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