Man Time: Naked sports people, nude!

Man Time: Naked Sports People, Nude!

ESPN the Magazine’s annual “The Body Issue” hits newsstands in a couple days, and it’s all about naked sports people being naked. The site has offered a sexxxclusive sneak peek of all the nakedness your sports-addled brain can handle, and notable among this year’s selections is injured Texas Rangers slugger Prince Fielder, pictured above. His selection is notable because he is a fatty fat McFatterson, but you probably already knew that.

That’s the narrative, anyway. Every reblogger who’s any reblogger is talking about it this morning, thanks in large part to this Tweet from ESPN’s Darren Rovell, which makes the screengrab we’ve posted above look like low-res crap.

Soon, there will be Important Think Pieces about what it truly means for a professional baseball man who’s generously listed at 5’11”, 275 lbs. to appear nekkid, in a magazine, in These Tumultuous Times. Someone, somewhere, will inevitably compare Fielder’s inclusion in The Body Issue to Dove’s “Real Beauty” campaign, and then Uproxx will do a listicle about plus-sized models, and ohmigod we hate this stuff.

Here’s the thing: Prince Fielder is a professional athlete. OMGZ HE DOES NOT HAVE A SIX PACK. Lots of professional athletes don’t have six-pack abs. Fielder makes his money by hitting baseballs a long way, and to do that, it helps to have a whole bunch of muscle mass. It really doesn’t matter if that muscle mass has some fat on top of it. Prince Fielder does not need to have six-pack abs to earn his $214 million over nine years, and therefore, he doesn’t have six-pack abs.

So why is this a thing at all? Because ESPN is being brave and bold and showing us that all sorts of differently shaped people are capable of doing sports things, silly! They even included paralympic snowboarder Amy Purdy, look!

Purdy, heh

What a brave thing of them to do, including a woman who is also a professional model in their issue about body image! HER LAST NAME IS PURDY, FER CHRISSAKES. Also, she was one of Barker’s Beauties on The Price is Right, except we’re pretty sure they’re not Barker’s Beauties anymore, because Drew Carey is now the host.

IRREGARDLESS, ESPN is going to get so many clicks off this thing, you guys, and good for them. We’re a week out from baseball’s All-Star game, the NFL has nothing to offer by offseason DUIs, the NBA is all about some guy’s free agency, we forget his name, and hockey? Screw hockey, is this Canada? This is not Canada.

Oh, and Brazil plays Germany in the World Cup semifinal today, and Brazil will be playing without its captain or its star striker (who broke his back!), but seriously, do you even care about soccer anymore? Hell no you don’t, not with Prince Fielder’s beefy man-thighs beckoning to you from the cover of ESPN the Magazine.

Obligatory Deadspin link of the morning: Redskins hire political blogger, then he quits.

Follow Dan on Twitter. Will he be nekkid on Twitter? Could be!

You may also like...

  • tjdubya

    You said irregardless.

  • Ambignostic

    Suddenly, a bunch of people who didn’t care about soccer started caring about soccer again and applied for German citizenship before they overrun us all.

  • Ambignostic

    In spite of its failure to be perfect, I’ve always thought The Body Issue was much cooler than the Swimsuit Edition. At least the models are actual sports people. And they had naked Gary Player, for chrissake.

  • WA Bishop

    *clickety-click-click-click-click-click…*