May 29, 2018
Man Time: Sorry We Were Sexist At You Yesterday, Lady Sports!
Alert HNTP tipster Niki P. has reminded us July is not the dead zone of professional sports we claimed it was yesterday. Women play sports too, and seeing as it’s the 15th anniversary of Brandi Chastain scandalizing America by revealing her sports bra, we think it is appropriate to devote this session of Man Time to lady sports. SORRY WE WERE SEXIST AT YOU, LADY SPORTS.
— NBC Sports Network (@NBCSN) July 10, 2014
We were a younger, more innocent nation back when the #USWNT won it all in 1999. Sure, we’d spent the previous couple years hearing graphic details about the Presidential peen, and the ’90s were the decade that made Pamela Anderson a household name, but when Chastain scored the winning penalty kick in the Women’s World Cup finals, she ripped her shirt off in the kind of immodest expression of ecstasy we yearn to see in our male athletes (unless the athlete is Richard Sherman, but that’s a different story for a different day).
For showing America that she wore a sports bra while playing sports, Chastain was shamed by the agents of the American Vice and Virtue Ministry. Here is conservative commentator Mona Charen, writing back in 1999 that Chastain ought to comport herself like a lady. (If you have a moment, do read Charen’s most recent column, wherein she thinks super-smart thoughts about sexual assault.)
[Chastain] told Time magazine that she had “run her butt off” to achieve the body she now so immodestly displays, but that is beside the point.[…]The usual stupid people said, “Well, the men do it.” Memo to commentators: Men don’t have breasts. You can look it up. […] It’s terrific that women’s soccer is now achieving popularity with a wide audience. Kick the hell out of that ball, ladies. But keep your clothes on.
Here’s how Chastain herself remembers her sexxxy soccer striptease.
Jezebel’s Valerie Alexander makes several excellent points about the manner in which women’s sports are ignored, erased, and otherwise marginalized, and Yr HNTP Sports Man has been part of the problem. “NOT AN ALLY,” we screamed at ourself in the mirror last night, because Niki P WAS RIGHT. Hell, let’s go to her letter!
“July is a dead zone for professional sports.”
DAN! What about Lady Sportsball?!? There is professional lady sportsball happening in the summer, with ladyparts! #summerhoops
Lady sportsball is completely suitable for Man Time!
They even acknowledge that they have gay lady sportsballers, as well as fans who are gay ladies, and gay men, and transgender ladies and men and bisexuals of all genders and many more! They even sold a bunch of T-shirts! And, many fans are also heterosexxicans of all ages, genders, and colors!
Also there are lady sportsball games being played, and they are fun to watch! Especially watch Atlanta or Phoenix (they are both really fast and they win a lot). Or watch Shoni Schimmel in the All-Star game coming soon!
There are not too many controversial things to write about lady sportsball in the summer, because the WNBA does not like controvery, but it does like attention! HNTP readers would all love lady sportsball!!
A lady sportsball fan!!!1!!
Lady, you are so so right. So let’s look at the current state of the WNBA, which, like Major League Baseball, is also approaching its all-star game.
“But Dan!” you say (you did not actually say this), “Lady sportsball players can’t even dunk, where is the fun in that?” Well, actually, they can and they do (check out Diana Taurasi’s face at 0:40).
“Yeah, but they’re not even dunking very hard or doing cool reverse windmills like Paul George,” to which we would ask, Can you dunk a basketball? A regulation-size basketball on a regulation-height hoop? We are a 6’4″ male who played basketball (poorly) through high school, and we have never dunked on a regulation-height hoop.
Gosh, it’s almost like WNBA players are actually phenomenal athletes, and the only reason we dismiss their non-dunking style of play is because we, as a society, are kind of big fat jerks to women! Let us introduce you to Britney Griner, who put up 50 on senior night at Baylor last year. Griner is an utterly dominant post player, with a drop step that recalls a young Kevin McHale. No one in NCAA history, male or female, has ever blocked as many shots as Griner. And when she got to the WNBA, she demonstrated what opposing pivot players could look forward to.
“Fine,” you say, “Britney Griner is a 6’8″ monster, and there’s no way I could guard her, big deal, all tall people are good at basketball, this proves nothing.” Well, here’s 5’9″ Shoni Schimmel beating the boys in a 3-point contest in college.
There are few things worse for a fragile male sportsball ego than playing a pickup basketball game, matching up against a woman, and realizing that she’s a long-range sniper. She is going to make you work on the defensive end of the court. You are going to listen to your teammates yell “Shooter!” every time she touches the ball. At some point in the game, she is going to curl off a screen, and you are going to leap into the air because you think you’ve got her timing down, and she is going to put the ball on the floor and make your team defend a 5-on-4, and you are going to feel really bad about yourself because maybe you’re a bit of a sexist pig. And by you, we clearly mean ourselves.
You want more? Here’s 6’5″ Elena Delle Donne, who’s a matchup nightmare whether you’re a man or a woman.
Here’s perennial All-Star Diana Taurasi, still lighting it up after nine years in the league.
For now, we hope you’ll watch the WNBA All-Star Game on the 19th, and we would like to offer our sincere apologies to Maya Moore, Candace Parker, Skylar Diggins, and the other WNBA players whose highlight reels we’ve left out of this post.
Thank you, Niki P. for reminding us of the mansplaining we’ve been doing here at Man Time. You were right, and we were wrong, and honestly, we’re just thrilled to learn someone’s actually reading this stuff.
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