I am Mad About a Thing: Sweet sea-parting Moses, don’t tell Jews how to Jew

I Am Mad About A Thing: Sweet Sea-Parting Moses, Don't Tell Jews How To Jew

Hi. I am a Jew. Are you? Great. Then you probably already understand what I have to say, but you’ll at least want to stick around for the dirty joke.* And if you’re not, you can stick around for the dirty joke too.

So. Let’s get a few facts out of the way first. American Jews are overwhelmingly liberal Democrats. That is just a simple, indisputable fact:

“Jews are among the most strongly liberal, Democratic groups in U.S. politics,” the Pew report said. “There are more than twice as many self-identified Jewish liberals as conservatives, while among the general public, this balance is nearly reversed. In addition, about seven-in-ten Jews identify with or lean toward the Democratic Party. Jews are more supportive of President Barack Obama than are most other religious groups. And about eight-in-ten Jews say homosexuality should be accepted by society.”

American Jews are also super into social justice-y things like gay rights and labor rights and reproductive rights and decriminalizing pot and lady rabbis. Hell, the majority of Jews don’t even consider policy toward Israel a major factor in their voting decisions. WEIRD, RIGHT?

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Not that you’d know that, of course, since the media for some strange reason likes to give column inches and air time to the anomalous conservative Jews like Bill Kristol and David Brooks and Ben Shapiro. You know, the ones who like to write those ooooh-scary, clutch-your-pearls warnings that Jews are running scared from the Democratic Party and President Obama. Not so much, ACTUALLY.

Jewish Republicans have tried to mobilize them in past presidential elections, but, so far, each time the Democratic candidate has received a solid majority, the numbers hardly wavering from one election to the next.

American Jews also, by the way, hate the shit out of Sarah Palin, despite the laughable Jews for Sarah dot com, which, shockingly, still exists. Maybe it is because American Jews tend to cringe when people say America is, or should be, a Christian nation, and then—IN THE SAME GODDAMNED BREATH—they will talk about how much they heart Israel, which is supposed to be some sort of magical force field that protects them from being called anti-Semitic, even when they are totes anti-Semitic.

It’s a very conservative but not very Jewish trick to conflate “supporting Israel” with “supporting Jews.” Take, for example, Anomalous Conservative Jew Ben Shapiro, who vomited this nifty spiel from his facehole to Megyn Kelly on Fox News (which does not like Jews very much, at least not around “War on X-mas Time”, but those Shapiro-type Jews sure are convenient for Jew-bashing Obama, AREN’T THEY?):

“This is an anti-Israel administration. It’s the first administration in American history that is obviously anti-Israel,” Shapiro said. “It’s borderline a Jew-hating administration.”

Do you see what he did there? So clever! He went from accusing the president of being anti-Israel (again, not actually a thing that keeps most American Jews up at night, ACTUALLY) to accusing the president of borderline Jew-hating. I guess that is better than full-on Hitler-style Jew-hating, but it is still A) a stupid thing to say, B) a Jesus Fucking Christ is that stupid! stupid thing to say, and c) ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, YOU SNOT-NOSED PUNK-ASS PIECE OF DICK, BEN SHAPIRO?

Let me throw one more whoa-if-true (spoiler: it’s true) fun fact at you:

For example, twice as many white evangelical Protestants as Jews say that Israel was given to the Jewish people by God (82% vs. 40%). […] White evangelical Protestants also are more likely than Jews to favor stronger U.S. support of Israel.

Gee, how could that even be, I WONDER? Why would evangelicals be more pro-U.S.-being-more-pro-Israel than The Jews? Maybe it is because they are the ones who are super-psyched about Jesus making a return appearance to send all the good true believers to that big happy all-white, all-Christian, all-heterosexual place in the sky, while all the dirty evil non-believers (like, ahem, The Jews), are damned forever to the hot place, and no, I’m not talking about the desert.

It is true that American Jews, like American anyone else, are not a monolith. Even though, yes, the majority of us sit proudly in the dirty fucking hippie liberal camp, we do not all agree with each other about everything. Or most things. In fact, not agreeing is sort of our thing. Thousands of years of scholarship and sacred texts are devoted to not agreeing with each other. We love to not agree. Two Jews, three opinions, right? (OR MAYBE NOT RIGHT? OR MAYBE RIGHT AND NOT RIGHT!)

Here is one truth upon which many of us could probably more or less agree: Jews do not need to be told how to Jew. The secular ones, the orthodox ones, the “Hey, I go to shul on the High Holidays” ones, the uber-hawkish-like-some-kind-of-white-evangelical ones, the every-other-kind-of-Jew-who-can-Jew ones. We all Jew in our own way. We certainly don’t need advice on how to Jew from evangelical schmucks (that’s Jewspeak for stupid penis) like Tony Perkins, who whined like a whiny crybaby in June that “liberal Jewish folk” who support marriage equality and reproductive rights (i.e., most of us) are DESTROYING AMERICA!!!

Nor do we need to be tsk-tsked by evangelical Bible-humper Michele Bachmann, who apparently gets a lot of DMs from God and is quite sure Adonai is NOT #ReadyForHillary. Bachmann had the choot-spa to tell Jews who support Obama (i.e., most of us) that we are BAD JEWS!!! who have “sold out Israel.” She is also a stupid penis.

That’s because no one — not anomalous conservative Jews and certainly not evangelical stupid penises of all genders who think Jews are dumb enough to overlook their anti-Semitism so long as they heart Israel — gets to tell Jews how to Jew. Even though Ben Shapiro et al. are so far outside the mainstream of American Jewish politics that when they blah blah blah about conservatism or casually toss around accusations of being anti-Semitic or “borderline Jew-hating,” we basically roll our eyes and say, “Oy vey, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT, SCHMENDRICK?”

Yes, they are allowed to be stupid penises, if that’s how they want to Jew. They are NOT allowed to tell the rest of us that we are Jewing wrong because Obama or liberal or Israel or whatFUCKINGever. Although it sure would be nice if the media would, on occasion, maybe trot out an American Jew who is more representative of American Jews so that all y’all not-Jews would understand that #NotAllJews — in fact, hardly any at all, ACTUALLY — believe that hearting Israel like the evangelicals is what it’s all about or any of that borderline Jew-hating bullshit, which is bullshit.

So here we are, engaging in yet another round of that ancient classic, How Do You Solve a Problem Like Israel?, and everyone is suddenly A Expert, even though it is complicated and nuanced and problematic and doesn’t fit very well into a soundbite or on a bumpersticker, unless you are a stupid penis. Whatever your A Expert opinion on Israel is, you can leave the whole This is how American Jews should Jew about Israel nonsense out of it and kiss my tuchas.

*Oh right. I promised a dirty joke, didn’t I? Here’s a classic. You’re welcome.

Follow Kaili Joy Gray on Twitter. She will NOT lead you to the promised land, sorry.

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  • elviouslyqueer

    To be fair, Michele Bachmann is much more of a stupid prolapsed anus than she is a stupid penis.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    So, you’re saying that white evangelicals are the best Jews?

  • Dolmance

    Sarah Palin’s voice is to Jews, what Slim Whitman’s “Indian Love Call” is to Martians in “Mars Attacks.” Sarah Palin’s voice can be lethal even. Oy, fuck.

  • BMW

    “It’s the first administration in American history that is obviously anti-Israel…”In fairness, it was a little hard to be obviously anti-Israel before 1948, you know?

  • pbasch

    I believe the correct plural of “penis” is “penes.” After all, Richard Nixon’s book wasn’t titled “Six Crisises,” was it? No, it wasn’t. The plural of “axis” isn’t “axisses,” is it? Again, no, it isn’t.

    • I believe the plural of penis is DICKS. Thank you.

      • Ulricii

        I’ll go with Aunt Pee on this. Her very name announces “Expert on the Subject”

        • pbasch

          You’re right – it’s irregular.

    • redmanrt

      pbasch chupapollitas.

  • andreamd

    well, Baruch Obamawitz was the first President to hold a Seder in the White House. So screw you, Ben Shapiro

    • Ulricii

      True fact? I’m surprised that some previous Presidents didn’t get with the program. Seders are the Christian’s thing-to-do to show affinity with Jews. Don’t see many of them dressing up like Queen Esther at Purim or planting a tree on Tu Bishvat.

      • andreamd

        It did not come about for that reason. Check on the history of the Obama seder.

      • Zyxomma

        Or even *hugging* trees on Tu B’shvat.

  • Deleted

    This post was deleted.

  • Botlrokit

    My family is part of the horde of Christians that “support Israel”. Everything they do is based on the alleged prophecies of the revitalization of the Jewish nation, and they look at Israel v.1948 as a direct, dead-center hit in their mélange of Second-Coming-God-So-Are-We prophecies. Meanwhile, it’s closer to Texas Sharpshooter Fallacy, where you paint the target over the best results — after you’ve done the shootin’.

    • Ulricii

      And don’t think for a minute that the Likudniks don’t know that and are milking it for all it’s worth. They figure–rightly–that since it ain’t gonna happen, let the Christian crazies rapture and apocalypse at the mouth all they want. Just keep the blind support and visitor cash rolling in.

      • Cpt_Justice

        I’m not sure who’s more deluded: the Likud that the Christians aren’t dangerous to Jews as a religion, or the Christians that the Jews are going to be easy prey (Yes, I realize there’s a contradiction in there…)

        • Ulricii

          Not a contradition, Cappy. You’re just reading the scene from each end and each way makes “sense.” The Likud understand that all the bad stuff the Evangelicals predict and want to happen to unconverted Jews will all take place AFTER the rapture. They figure the Christians with the false smiles pasted to their faces are safe before then. And I’m not sure the Evangelicals care whether the Jews are easy prey or not. They just want them gathered together back in Israel so the End of Times can get rolling. After that, Jews gotta take care of themselves. A weird, weird symbiosis going on.

          • guppy06

            They just want them gathered together back in Israel

            “Concentrated,” one might say, if one were prone to hyperbole.But if nothing else, the Talibangelicals like it when the Jews are in Israel rather than next door.

  • Jack Haldane

    I went to the rabbi and he sent me to the mohel,But the mohel he was clumsy and I turned into a goil.- Old SNL Skit

  • HabsFan29

    As a (North) American Jew, I can only say oy gevalt

  • Leota2

    Now would Ben be so mean if he knew Megyn Kellythought his people ate little christian babbies?

    • Yep.

      christian babbies? It’s a food product, essentially.

  • Sarah Palin scared the old almost conservative kind of racist Jews in my family so bad they voted for a black guy.

  • Vicious Babushka

    I am an ultra-Orthodox Hasidic bubbie with 9 kids and 27 million grandkids, who works full time so that my beloved einiklach should all have presents on their birthdays and Hanukkah and bar/bat mitzvahs and even my daughter-in-laws birthday because hey, they are the mothers of my grandkids. And I would like to say to Ben Shapiro DU FARKAKTE PUTZ DU HOST FARSHIMMELTE LUCKSHEN IN KUP BIMKOM SAYKHEL, GROBEH NARR VOS DU BIST. OIB ICH GEVEN DAYN MAMA VOS FAR A FROSK VOLT ICH DIR GEGEBEN.oy.

    • Ulricii

      Bat mitzvahs? Some of the apples have fallen a short distance from the tree I take it. (Haven’t we all.) Bobover? Lubavitch? Don’t tell me Satmar or I’ll fall over in a dead faint.And Gut Shabbos to you.

  • Sitkajo

    Here is a fun conversation starter for fundamentalist christians:Was Jesus himself a Christian?The reason its fun is because it makes an inescapable circle in their minds if they follow the logic far enough. The mind swirl can only be compared to a flushing toilet in fact. FYI Historically Jesus (and almost all of his early followers) was actually Jewish which can established pretty fast in a quick reading of his life and times in the bible. Try out this conversation starter with the next door-to-door missionary and see how much fun you can have with it.

  • themightysven

    Religious Conservatives (and by extension those who vote with them) support hard-line Israeli politicians for a reason. That reason has nothing to do with their politics, but everything to do with the fact that religious conservatives specifically want Israel to be in a state of war, because their version of the bible says The Apocalypse will happen while Israel is at war, and they desperately want the Apocalypse to happen because they believe they will be raptured. Given this, Conservatives “Pro”-Israeli stance is not really very pro

    • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

      You give them too much credit. Conservatives want Israel in a constant state of war cause they buy killing toys from us.

  • “Although it sure would be nice if the media would, on occasion, maybe trot out an American Jew who is more representative of American Jews so that all y’all not-Jews would understand that #NotAllJews — in fact, hardly any at all, ACTUALLY — believe that hearting Israel like the evangelicals is what it’s all about or any of that borderline Jew-hating bullshit, which is bullshit.”Like Jon Stewart? Although: he is not very trotful.

  • Uncle Verne

    How dare you say Jews don’t agree on stuff. I don’t agree with you on that point.

    • Joseph Stavitsky

      The old joke about the jew who finds himsel on a desert island and promptly builds 2 synagogues, one where he goes regularly and one in which he will never set foot

  • PubOption

    So, Conservative Jews may not be as politically conservative as the repubs would think.

    • guppy06

      I’m sure some of them are exactly as conservative as their paychecks/book royalties/etc.

  • Mark Schmidt

    My late Jewish wife used to HATE Eric Cantor…she could not even stand to see him on the news…I agree. She also used to say that if there were 3 Jews in the same room, you would have at least 6 different opinions, several opposing factions and a possible war.

  • mtn_philosoph

    At least some of the premillennial dispensationalists and supersessionist Christians believe that Jews will go to heaven because that was in that whole covenant deal that God made with them in ancient times (and which is still in effect), and God does not go back on His promises. (Plus He is wary of their lawyers.) Apparently it’s a big deal contractual thing. So there’s that.

    • Greg Comlish

      Yeah, in theory people that got in on Abrahamic religion pre-IPO before the acquisition of Christ have a sweet deal, but in order to qualify for rapture they still have to adhere to the terms of the old covenant which means no pork, pray all Saturday, hats, etc. And since the Temple was destroyed its basically impossible to keep to the strict terms of the contract unless you start getting creative with your interpretations (which is how Rabbinical Judaism got its start and why Rabbis are so versed in devising bullshit exceptions to all the rules the don’t like). Bottom line: Jews can’t get raptured unless they are Jews for Jesus.

      • Joseph Stavitsky

        Which still does not answer the question, why the fuck do I want to spend eternity with you assholes?2 old friends, one a miser and the other a lecher, die in a plane crash and end up in hell. The miser sees the devils shackling the lecher to a pretty flight attendant. When he asks the devils why his friend should be so rewarded they reply, “silence fool, it is not for you to question the woman’s punishment”

        • mtn_philosoph

          Hell is other people.

          • Glennjo

            Hell is for children.

        • Greg Comlish

          I’m not sure who you are referring to as “you assholes” but just to be clear: I’m not an evangelical Christian. I’m not a contract lawyer. I’m just a guy on the internet talking out of his ass.

      • Glennjo

        There’s no such thing as a “jew for Jesus”, if you’re for Jesus Christ then you are a Christian. Obviously all that religious BS is made up nonsense. The reason we need our own homeland is because we have been persecuted everywhere we’ve been since the beginning of time. All that rapture nonsense is a f***ing joke. I am an American Jew who is a proud liberal and a proud supporter of Israel.

      • Glennjo

        There’s no such thing as “Jews for Jesus” if you’re for Jesus Christ then you are Christian. Obviously all that religion stuff is just made up nonsense. The Jews deserve a homeland because we have been persecuted and murdered everywhere we’ve been since the beginning of time, god has nothing to do with it. I’m an American Jew, a proud liberal and a proud supporter of Israel and I agree with this piece.

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    Look, Ben Shapiro.You know which US administration really was anti Israel??Truman’s. He opposed the Jewish state. And the FLOTUS, Bess, was truly an anti Semite who hated teh Jew.Might be time to STFU, dear.

    • Ari

      So is Carter. Even wrote a book about how anti Israel he is.

  • Manhattan123

    Ben Shapiro is a shonda. And fugly too, btw.

  • Blanche Beecham

    Eric Cantor is a Southern Jew. Not a Boudreaux, a Jewdreaux.

  • MS47

    The evangelical xtians only love Israel so much because it has to be there in order for all the Jews therein to suddenly accept JC as their personal savior and trigger the rapture, in fulfillment of apocalyptic prophecy. I kid you not. They really believe that shit.

    • BMW

      Some believe Israel accept Jesus as Messiah after the Rapture, during the reign of the Anti-Christ.

  • jesstifer42

    I—a secular, atheist, liberal, Chomskyite, practicing Buddhist Jew—very much approve every fucking word of this message.

  • Sheket Bevaka Shut The Hell Up

    This piece is a thing of beauty.

  • Zyxomma

    Gorgeous. This Jewess does not need anyone, let alone David Brooks or Michele-one-L, telling me anything, let alone how to Jew. I Jew it my way!