I am Mad About a Thing: Sweet sea-parting Moses, don't tell Jews how to Jew

I Am Mad About A Thing: Sweet Sea-Parting Moses, Don't Tell Jews How To Jew

Hi. I am a Jew. Are you? Great. Then you probably already understand what I have to say, but you’ll at least want to stick around for the dirty joke.* And if you’re not, you can stick around for the dirty joke too.

So. Let’s get a few facts out of the way first. American Jews are overwhelmingly liberal Democrats. That is just a simple, indisputable fact:

“Jews are among the most strongly liberal, Democratic groups in U.S. politics,” the Pew report said. “There are more than twice as many self-identified Jewish liberals as conservatives, while among the general public, this balance is nearly reversed. In addition, about seven-in-ten Jews identify with or lean toward the Democratic Party. Jews are more supportive of President Barack Obama than are most other religious groups. And about eight-in-ten Jews say homosexuality should be accepted by society.”

American Jews are also super into social justice-y things like gay rights and labor rights and reproductive rights and decriminalizing pot and lady rabbis. Hell, the majority of Jews don’t even consider policy toward Israel a major factor in their voting decisions. WEIRD, RIGHT?

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Not that you’d know that, of course, since the media for some strange reason likes to give column inches and air time to the anomalous conservative Jews like Bill Kristol and David Brooks and Ben Shapiro. You know, the ones who like to write those ooooh-scary, clutch-your-pearls warnings that Jews are running scared from the Democratic Party and President Obama. Not so much, ACTUALLY.

Jewish Republicans have tried to mobilize them in past presidential elections, but, so far, each time the Democratic candidate has received a solid majority, the numbers hardly wavering from one election to the next.

American Jews also, by the way, hate the shit out of Sarah Palin, despite the laughable Jews for Sarah dot com, which, shockingly, still exists. Maybe it is because American Jews tend to cringe when people say America is, or should be, a Christian nation, and then—IN THE SAME GODDAMNED BREATH—they will talk about how much they heart Israel, which is supposed to be some sort of magical force field that protects them from being called anti-Semitic, even when they are totes anti-Semitic.

It’s a very conservative but not very Jewish trick to conflate “supporting Israel” with “supporting Jews.” Take, for example, Anomalous Conservative Jew Ben Shapiro, who vomited this nifty spiel from his facehole to Megyn Kelly on Fox News (which does not like Jews very much, at least not around “War on X-mas Time”, but those Shapiro-type Jews sure are convenient for Jew-bashing Obama, AREN’T THEY?):

“This is an anti-Israel administration. It’s the first administration in American history that is obviously anti-Israel,” Shapiro said. “It’s borderline a Jew-hating administration.”

Do you see what he did there? So clever! He went from accusing the president of being anti-Israel (again, not actually a thing that keeps most American Jews up at night, ACTUALLY) to accusing the president of borderline Jew-hating. I guess that is better than full-on Hitler-style Jew-hating, but it is still A) a stupid thing to say, B) a Jesus Fucking Christ is that stupid! stupid thing to say, and c) ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, YOU SNOT-NOSED PUNK-ASS PIECE OF DICK, BEN SHAPIRO?

Let me throw one more whoa-if-true (spoiler: it’s true) fun fact at you:

For example, twice as many white evangelical Protestants as Jews say that Israel was given to the Jewish people by God (82% vs. 40%). […] White evangelical Protestants also are more likely than Jews to favor stronger U.S. support of Israel.

Gee, how could that even be, I WONDER? Why would evangelicals be more pro-U.S.-being-more-pro-Israel than The Jews? Maybe it is because they are the ones who are super-psyched about Jesus making a return appearance to send all the good true believers to that big happy all-white, all-Christian, all-heterosexual place in the sky, while all the dirty evil non-believers (like, ahem, The Jews), are damned forever to the hot place, and no, I’m not talking about the desert.

It is true that American Jews, like American anyone else, are not a monolith. Even though, yes, the majority of us sit proudly in the dirty fucking hippie liberal camp, we do not all agree with each other about everything. Or most things. In fact, not agreeing is sort of our thing. Thousands of years of scholarship and sacred texts are devoted to not agreeing with each other. We love to not agree. Two Jews, three opinions, right? (OR MAYBE NOT RIGHT? OR MAYBE RIGHT AND NOT RIGHT!)

Here is one truth upon which many of us could probably more or less agree: Jews do not need to be told how to Jew. The secular ones, the orthodox ones, the “Hey, I go to shul on the High Holidays” ones, the uber-hawkish-like-some-kind-of-white-evangelical ones, the every-other-kind-of-Jew-who-can-Jew ones. We all Jew in our own way. We certainly don’t need advice on how to Jew from evangelical schmucks (that’s Jewspeak for stupid penis) like Tony Perkins, who whined like a whiny crybaby in June that “liberal Jewish folk” who support marriage equality and reproductive rights (i.e., most of us) are DESTROYING AMERICA!!!

Nor do we need to be tsk-tsked by evangelical Bible-humper Michele Bachmann, who apparently gets a lot of DMs from God and is quite sure Adonai is NOT #ReadyForHillary. Bachmann had the choot-spa to tell Jews who support Obama (i.e., most of us) that we are BAD JEWS!!! who have “sold out Israel.” She is also a stupid penis.

That’s because no one — not anomalous conservative Jews and certainly not evangelical stupid penises of all genders who think Jews are dumb enough to overlook their anti-Semitism so long as they heart Israel — gets to tell Jews how to Jew. Even though Ben Shapiro et al. are so far outside the mainstream of American Jewish politics that when they blah blah blah about conservatism or casually toss around accusations of being anti-Semitic or “borderline Jew-hating,” we basically roll our eyes and say, “Oy vey, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT, SCHMENDRICK?”

Yes, they are allowed to be stupid penises, if that’s how they want to Jew. They are NOT allowed to tell the rest of us that we are Jewing wrong because Obama or liberal or Israel or whatFUCKINGever. Although it sure would be nice if the media would, on occasion, maybe trot out an American Jew who is more representative of American Jews so that all y’all not-Jews would understand that #NotAllJews — in fact, hardly any at all, ACTUALLY — believe that hearting Israel like the evangelicals is what it’s all about or any of that borderline Jew-hating bullshit, which is bullshit.

So here we are, engaging in yet another round of that ancient classic, How Do You Solve a Problem Like Israel?, and everyone is suddenly A Expert, even though it is complicated and nuanced and problematic and doesn’t fit very well into a soundbite or on a bumpersticker, unless you are a stupid penis. Whatever your A Expert opinion on Israel is, you can leave the whole This is how American Jews should Jew about Israel nonsense out of it and kiss my tuchas.

*Oh right. I promised a dirty joke, didn’t I? Here’s a classic. You’re welcome.

Follow Kaili Joy Gray on Twitter. She will NOT lead you to the promised land, sorry.

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