Feb 4, 2020
I Am Mad About A Thing: Hooray, Todd Akin Has A ‘Book’
Ugh, Todd Akin, right? You remember Todd Akin, of course. He was a Republican representative from Missouri who just might have become a senator from Missouri if he had not made the catastrophic mistake, as Republicans are wont to do, of opening his mouth and saying words. And you remember those words because we all do, because they are tattooed on our brains, and we cannot bleach them away no matter how hard we try:
If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down.
This was the perfect, if sort of awwwwkward, articulation of what the Republican Party officially believes, though many (but not all) lack the testicular fortitude to just come right out and say it like that. The official party line is that bitches be lyin’ ’bout rape, like, all the time, bro — often to cash in on fabulous gifts and prizes, or as the oh-so-serious George Will recently called it “privileges.” And, per Akin, in a situation of legitimate rape — or honest rape or forcible rape or easy rape, as his fellow Republicans have called it — women’s magic ladyparts detect the rape sperm and deflect it with their magical rape sperm deflection shields.
Even though Akin’s unfortunate moment became such A Moment that it is officially known as an Akin MomentTM, causing Republicans to spend two years scratching their heads to try to figure out how to not have that ever happen again (not saying stupid shit about rape is tricky business!), not everyone in the party has been on board. Rep. Phil Gingrey, who is an actual ladyparts doctor, said Akin was “partly right” about his magic ladyparts rape sperm deflection shield theory. But then he had a conversation with the president of the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, who showed him some “articles and more recent journals” and doctorsplained to him that “more recent data suggests just the opposite is probably true.” Too bad Dr. Ladyparts didn’t understand how ladyparts actually work, per “more recent data,” before he opened his big dumb mouth, huh?
Just thinking about all of this all over again makes my parts shrivel up into the fetal position and cry and want to sing Cake’s version of “I Will Survive” and eat all the ice cream, because goddamn is it depressing to realize that these kinds of people get to make actual decisions that actually affect actual people, and Jesus Hormonal Christ is that depressing.
But it gets worse. Todd Akin is back, and he has a book, with a forward from fellow fetus fetishist Mike Huckabee, of course. Akin is very mad at us, and the cowardly Republicans who pretend denounced him, because he was RIGHT and also what about Bill Clinton, huh? (Republicans think Bill Clinton’s consensual last-millennium hummer proves Democrats are the REAL
racists sexists and War on Women-ers, which thus far has not been an effective strategy for them, but maybe after saying it a thousand times, it will catch on maybe they hope.)
Here is Akin. [TRIGGER WARNING FOR AKIN]:
My comment about a woman’s body shutting the pregnancy down was directed to the impact of stress on fertilization. This is something fertility doctors debate and discuss. Doubt me? Google ‘stress and infertility,’ and you will find a library of research on the subject.
Oh. Well. Excuse the fuck out of me then, Todd, guess you were right all along because IT’S ON THE GOOGLE, and everything on The Google is legitimate, unlike some kinds of rape, right? If you do The Google, you can find words, a whole series-of-tubes library of them, about how chronically super-stressed women sometimes have a hard time conceiving when they are trying to get pregnant because of how stress can affect your menstrual cycle and hormones and the like, which is EXACTLY the same thing as a woman being raped and her ladyparts shouting “RAPE SPERM DETECTED! THIS IS STRESSFUL! SHUT IT DOWN!”
You know what else you can find on The Google? All kinds of words about how rape victims are more likely to become impregnated. (You can also find words about how Obama is secretly plotting the destruction of America with space aliens. Isn’t The Google great?)
Anyway, the stupid liberal media obviously googled the wrong words to ignore the “logic” and “truth” of Akin’s magic ladyparts theory, and then, being the typical liberal media, they MURDERED him:
I was the target of a media assassination. … So it really didn’t matter about what I said, or logic, or truth. I had mentioned ‘abortion’ and ‘rape.’ That was enough. It was simply an assassination.
I dunno about that. If he is assassinated to death, why is he still talking? And if it had been a legitimate assassination, you’d think Akin would have had a way of shutting that whole thing down.
At the time, Akin kind of sort of said he was sorry about speaking logic and truth to power, but now he is not sorry at all, he is only sorry for saying that he is sorry.
“By asking the public at large for forgiveness,” Akin writes, “I was validating the willful misinterpretation of what I had said.”
You see, if only he’d said, “Fuck you, I am right, IT’S ON THE GOOGLE!” he’d be a senator now, instead of a teachable moment for Republicans about how to lose an election with this one neat trick. That’s why instead of disappearing into shameful obscurity forever, he is Firing Back: Taking on the Party Bosses and Media Elite to Protect Our Faith and Freedom. Take that, the media and the Democrats and all the Republicans except for Mike Huckabee!
I don’t really have a problem with Akin coming back from the dead to be all SORRY NOT SORRY!, creating yet another awkward moment for the Republican Party that totally agrees with him but has just enough sense to know it is not wise to say so. I enjoy awkward Republican moments, to be honest. They are so helpful in clarifying exactly where the party really stands, which usually leads the electorate to choking on its own vomit and not voting for Republicans.
But at the same time — because I am one of those mean assassinating liberals who has been too busy fawning over Bill Clinton and “yelling, ‘Racism!’ every time anyone criticized the president’s policies” instead of googling “magic ladyparts” — I’d also appreciate it if Todd Akin would pretty please go fuck himself right in the ear. Legitimately.
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