Aug 6, 2017
Galavant RECAP: And They All Lived Crappily Ever After (S1:E7-8)
It seems like only yesterday (because it more or less was) that we first met Galavant (a singing, pungent-smelling, chicken-loving hero, who looked his absolute best when naked and wet and/or wearing hoodies).
Since then, we’ve ventured with him on a four-week journey to win back the heart of the b*tch he inexplicably loved, and rescue an obscure, sparsely populated kingdom from the clutches of an “Evil” King who was supposed to be The Worst but was actually The Best.
And now here we are at the stunning conclusion of a show that will very likely not be renewed, given its fairly abysmal ratings and the fact that ABC had the genius idea to air its second episode opposite the Golden Globes . . .
But hey, at least we’re guaranteed to get a happy ending right?
OK . . . well, not like a totally happy ending (they need to save some conflict for the rare chance we actually get a Season 2), but some things will surely work out for the best, won’t they?
Like the mutually attractive Galavant and Princess Lots-of-Last-Names will get to begin their courtship in earnest ?
Orrrr . . . Gareth and King Evil Dick will belatedly admit their love for one another and rule their glorious kingdom side by side?
Umm . . . the odious Madalena will finally get what is coming to her?
Galavant will get to have his long-awaited Hero Moment?
Everybody will get to eat more chicken?
Well . . . one out of five ain’t bad! Let’s review shall we?
A Hazy Shade of Winters
As the episode begins, we are informed, via subtitles, naturally, that the scene we are watching takes place “Thirty Winters Ago.” We see a sad little boy of about 11 sitting on some steps, and we wonder who that boy could be.
Then Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer appears and calls him “son” and “Galavant,” which is confusing because: (1) how did Buffy never know about this kid? (Then, again, this is the girl who was informed three-quarters of the way through the series that she had a little sister she just plum forgot about for 18-years and who didn’t find THAT strange at all.)
. . . and . . .
(2) If we are to believe that 13th century living ages one at more or less double the average rate (most people died by 32), how does Galavant still look like this . . .
. . . if he’s supposed to be in his 40s? (The actor who plays him is actually 27.)
Then, I remembered how in Game of Thrones “winter” only comes like once every five years.
So, maybe, in Galavant’s world it comes twice a year, which would make Galavant 26 . . .
Anywhoo . . . Giles tells Galavant that emotions are for pussies and sings to him that he should wait stoically for his Hero Moment before getting all soft and girly and lip locking with Princess Lots-of-Last-Names or, you know, whoever else might theoretically wish to stick her tongue down his throat, in his adulthood.
Years later (though probably less than 30), Galavant takes these words to heart and puts the kibosh on sexy times with Princess Lots-of-Last-Names . . . at least until he can figure out a way to save her and her family from the wrath of . . . whoever is the villain at this point of the series (Evil Dickey? Eviler Kingsley? Evilest Magdalena? Xanax? The Golden Globes? I’m afraid I’ve lost track.)
This is a shame, because sexy times in a dungeon would be very Medieval Orange is the New Black . . .
A Tree with No Branches
Also keeping Galavant and Princess Lots-of-Last-Names from their four-weeks-coming smooch is the fact that Princess Lots-of-Last-Names is engaged to another . . . her Cousin Henry, to be exact.
“Our family tree must grow straight up, no branches,” warns Princess Lots-of-Last-Names’ mother on the subject.
(This explains so much about so many of the characters on this show.)
The Mountain Vs. The Red Viper It Is Most Certainly Not
Back upstairs, Madalena is introducing the despicable Kingsley to our ragtag cast of characters . . . and proving that she’s a racist, all at the same time! (So efficient, that Madalena! One of the many benefits of having multiple personality disorder!)
Meanwhile, Evil Little Dickey is confused as to why Madalena has chosen her brother over him, especially considering that his brother is like “really, really old.”
My sentiments exactly. P.S. Evil Little Dickey is awesome, and Madalena is clearly a moron.
Evil King Dick then challenges Eviler Kingsley to a duel for power over the kingdom, which means, by Game of Thrones-y custom, they both must find champions to fight on their behalves. (Because fighting your own battles is SO middle class!)
Eviler Kingsley surprises everyone by choosing Evil Dickey’s loyal henchman Gareth to fight on his behalf.
And then Galavant surprises everyone even more by agreeing to fight for his nemesis Dickey, in exchange for the latter freeing his friends from a life in the dungeons.
It’s a heroic gesture, obviously. (And as a lover of Evil Little Dickey, it warms my heart to see My Actual Favorite and the Guy Who Is Supposed to Be My Favorite Because the Show Is Named After Him actually getting along.) Galavant comes to believe his Hero Moment has finally arrived and begins to sing about it, until Eviler Kingsley chloroforms him, because Eviler Kingsley thinks randomly breaking into song is an annoying character trait.
(Well, now we know someone who isn’t going to last long on this series . . .)
The Pointy Hats Are Coming!
On the battlefield, Chef tries to flirt with Not-Daisy from Downton Abbey, but she’s not in a flirty mood because she’s pretty sure they are all going to die when Galavant inevitably loses to Gareth and Eviler Kingsley takes over the kingdom and executes all of Evil Little Dickey’s servants.
Elsewhere, Evil Little Dickey complains to Gareth that he has now found himself in a lose-lose situation, caught between the death of his oldest bestest friend-with-homoerotic-undertones and the loss of his kingdom.
Galavant, however, is excited to have his Hero Moment and begins singing again, only to be interrupted by an invasion of men with pointy hats and their leader . . . creepy Cousin Henry, royal fiancé to Princess Lots-of-Last-Names . . . who just so happens to be like seven . . .
I’ve seen May-December romances before. But this one is more like January – December, 20 years later . . .
In Which Everybody Gets Poisoned but Nobody Dies (Unfortunately)
Gareth and Galavant’s fight to the death is temporarily put on hold so all the rich people can go eat. This is when Not-Daisy from Downton Abbey offers Chef the idea to poison the entire rest of the cast so the poor folk could all live happily ever after.
But Chef decides to just give them all the runs instead, because it’s only 8 o’clock on a television show owned by Disney.
Galavant has another would-be Hero Moment when he saves Princess Lots-of-Last-Names from eating crab, which will make her throat close up and increase her snoring. He’s about to declare his love for her and “Kiss the Girl,” but loses his nerve because it is a rule on shows like this that first kisses must be had under circumstances way more epic than Pre-Death by Combat Diarrhea Dinners and the avoidance of bad sushi . . .
King Evil Dickey then decides that he and Eviler Kingsley should fight for themselves rather than have champions. But Eviler Kingsley doesn’t want to fight, which means now King Evil Dickey has to battle Gareth himself . . .
Drunken Murder Party of Two
That night Galavant has the brilliant idea to take King Evil Dickey out for a night of drinks and male bonding. (See, I knew these two could be friends! I’m so happy that Galavant is starting to like him as much as I do!)
After about the tenth beer, Galavant gets Evil Dickey to admit that he and Madalena have never consummated their marriage . . .
. . . leaving Poor Evil Dickey with a whole lot in common with this guy . . .
Evil Dick may be a villain, but deep down, he’s a chivalrous guy. He’ll kidnap a woman and force her into marriage, sure. But non-consensual sex? That’s just not his thing . . .
Apparently, lack of sex and lots of liquor makes one murderous, because it doesn’t much for Galavant to convince Dickey to kill Eviler Kingsley while the latter is asleep in his bedroom . . . and sing while they do it, no less.
Unfortunately, just like drinking and driving, drinking and murder don’t mix. And it doesn’t take long before Eviler Kingsley foils the plan and sends a very inebriated Evil Dickey and Galavant back to the dungeons, where Galavant lays on Princess Lot-of-Last-Names the medieval version of a drunk dial . . . (We’ve all been there.)
. . . and Evil Dickey tries to engage Gareth in a mournful childhood lullaby, the night before the former’s inevitable demise at the hands of the latter.
In Which Gareth Madelena(?) Saves the Day
Overnight, the loyal Gareth has a change of heart about killing the obvious love of his life, Evil Little Dickey, and so he concocts a plan to sneak the Medieval Fortyish-Year-Old Virgin out of the castle and put him on a ship toward the kingdom of his birth, with Galavant by his side for protection.
Galavant doesn’t mind the idea but insists that the rest of the cast go with him. In that moment he finally gets to tell Princess Lots-of-Last-Names he loves her, sing his song, and shove his tongue down her throat . . .
But then Gareth knocks him unconscious and drags him out of the dungeon.
Some men just aren’t meant to have Hero Moments, or get Nookie, I guess . . .
At the shore, Gareth and a re-awakened Galavant vow to protect the people each other care about most, that means Evil Dickey for Gareth and Princess Lots-of-Last-Names and her family for Galavant.
When Gareth returns to the castle, he sets the rest of the cast free (except for Squire Guy, who he inexplicably keeps for “insurance” even though no one can even remember his name, let alone be willing to bargain for his life). Eviler Kingsley learns of this and is furious at Gareth for disobeying his orders, and at Madalena for letting him. He rushes forward to kill Gareth, but the latter is saved by . . . Madalena?
She murders Kingsley, claiming that the old man is “not her type” (personally, I think it had more to do with him hating sing-alongs than anything else), and offers Gareth the now-vacant seat on the throne next to her. Together they will rule a kingdom of pretty much nobody, because everyone on the show is either already dead or left to go someplace else.
“You’re going to need to either gain or lose a lot of weight [to be my girl],” Gareth insists of Madalena, pretending poorly that he actually has multiple types of women that he finds attractive, as opposed to having eyes for only one individual . . .
A match made in heaven . . . these two. Best Kingdom Ever!
Another Day, Another Damsel in Distress (for realsies, this time)
So to recap, Evil Dickey and Galavant are on a boat headed for another kingdom, where there will inevitably be many more nights of bromantic boozing and drunken sing-alongs, but there’s a pretty good chance no one will be getting laid at all!
Gareth is the new king. Awful Madalena is still queen. Eviler Kingsley is dead, and Squire Guy is just hanging out at the castle looking uncomfortable, which is basically what he’s been doing all season.
As for Princess Lots-of-Last-Names, she finds “shelter” in the home of her “fiancé” Henry. He’s super-excited to have her as his wife, so excited that he’s made her a creepy dollhouse, where she will stay locked away for all eternity, or at least until she dies at the ripe old age of 32 . . .
Well, that was rather disconcerting.
Ummmm . . . The End?