Life In The Slow Lane: The Awful Slowed Down Soundtrack Songs Of 2013

Hey, you know what would make an awful soundtrack for a movie? Let’s take a song that was popular a few years ago, and slow it way the hell down.

Ohhhh Miiiiickkkeeeyyy yoouuuurreee sooooo fiiiinnnneeeee

No, we can still hear a melody there. We need to slow it down some more, and maybe add a string quartet or something.


Wee-ee-ee ca-aaaaannnnn daa-aa-aannnnnnccceeee iiiiiiffffff wweeeeee waaaaannntttt to-oo-ooooooo-oo

Yeah, that’s the stuff. Now we’ll have someone sing it in the most melodramatic manner possible and we’ve got something we can use over the closing credits. Success!

Beyonce featuring Andre 3000 – Back in Black (The Great Gatsby)

Beyonce covering an Amy Winehouse song sounds like a good idea, but something went wrong here, and that something is cinema anti-Christ Baz Luhrmann. Did we really need a Great Gatsby remake in 3D? Starring Leo DiCaprio? With a soundtrack featuring Jay-Z and Lana Del Rey? No, we certainly did not, and it is that lack of judgment that led to this execrable song.

Skylar Grey – Addicted to Love (Endless Love)

The Kids These Days probably don’t remember, but once upon a time there was a movie called Endless Love that was a byword for cinematic awfulness. Like “Ishtar” or “Heaven’s Gate” or “Anything by Baz Luhrmann.” We would tie an onion to our belts, which was the style at that time, and say “Oh no, that movie looks like another Endless Love. Let’s take our two dollars and fifty cents and spend it on a better class of talking picture show.”

So why would someone remake this movie? And why would they have a person/band/product named Skylar Grey ruin our memories of an iconic music video by trashing the Robert Palmer classic “Addicted to Love?”

Granted, this movie doesn’t actually come out until 2014 (on Valentine’s Day for heaven’s sake) but we have been suffering through the trailer for weeks now, so it goes on the 2013 list.

Peter Gabriel – Heroes (Lone Survivor)

Lately David Bowie’s “Heroes” has been taking a beating at the movies. First The Wallflowers played a mediocre version of the song in the completely unnecessary 1998 Godzilla remake. Then the supposed hipster characters in The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012) don’t even recognize the tune when it comes on the radio. And now Peter Gabriel, who should know better, wreaks havoc on the beloved song. Originally released in 2010, Gabriel’s cover of “Heroes” provides the score for the brotastic macho love story/war movie Lone Survivor.

Lorde – Everybody Wants to Rule the World (The Hunger Games: Catching Fire)

Teen phenom Lorde needs to fire her manager for this. Yes, we know it is a big hit movie and lots of moniez are being made for all kinds of people back home, but this “song” is a travesty and needs to be burned with fire, quickly. Tears for Fears must be rolling over in their grave.

Here’s looking forward to a 2014 in which the overly slowed down, hypermelodramatic cover song trend dies a necessary death. We owe it to the ghosts of Bernard Herrmann, Nino Rota, and whoever else has scored a motion picture with original music (not you, John Williams!).

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